Listen here, can you do that?

Do you find it hard to listen? Me too! This week, I want to dive into a topic that lies at the heart of effective conflict resolution, leadership, and, frankly, any situation that involves working with people: the skill of listening.

Are you seeking to upskill your team in listening and other conflict resolution skills? There are lots of different ways to do this from training, coaching, experiential learning and reflective practice. Book a time for us to discuss your team needs here: Contact | Shiv Martin

As a mediator, conciliator, and team manager, I know that listening is the most critical Microskill in our toolbox. Yet, despite its importance, I’ve found that listening is often the hardest skill to master. One of the most helpful books I have read in relation to this skill is (helpfully titled) Listen. Here are some of my takeaways from this book.

Why is Listening So Challenging?

Listening can be difficult for two main reasons. The first challenge is our internal voice. When someone speaks, a word, a phrase, or even an unrelated thought can trigger our minds to drift away to other issues. We start thinking about our own problems or how what they’re saying relates to us, and before we know it, we’ve missed half of what they said.

The second challenge is our tendency to listen to respond. As problem-solvers, we often feel the need to provide advice, information, or solutions as soon as it comes to us - even if that means interrupting the speaker.

In my experience, I find these two barriers the most common reasons for why I fail to effectively listen to what the other side is saying. So how do we get around this?

The Role of Silence in Listening

To become better listeners, we need to understand the value of silence. Silence is a powerful tool in open and deep conversations. It gives both the speaker and the listener time to process thoughts and emotions. Think of silence as a pause in the dance of conversation—a moment to catch our breath, reflect on our thoughts, and decide on the next step.

So, next time you’re about to jump in with advice, remember: hold your breath, nod, and embrace the glorious silence. You might just find that being the person who truly listens is the best mic drop of all. ??

Here are some pitfalls to avoid in your journey to becoming a better listener:

1. Interrupting: Cutting someone off mid-sentence or mid-thought prevents them from fully expressing themselves.
2. Telling Our Story: While empathizing by sharing our own experiences might seem helpful, it can shift the focus away from the person who needs to be heard.
3. Offering Advice Too Soon: Sometimes, we need to hear the entire story before we can provide meaningful advice. Instead of jumping in with solutions, ask questions to understand what the person has already tried.
4. Over-Identifying: Phrases like “I know how you feel” or “I understand what that must be like” can be harmful - can we ever really know how someone else feels?
5. Minimizing Distress: If someone is upset, allow them to sit with their emotions and process them. Don’t try to distract or divert the conversation away from their feelings.
6. Trying to Fix It: Our role as listeners isn’t always to solve the problem. Sometimes, it’s simply to be there and listen.
7. Making Assumptions: If someone pauses to express emotion, resist the urge to assume what they’re feeling or what they need next. Instead, ask questions to clarify.

Picking from Different Styles of Listening

Did you know that there are many different types of listening? In different contexts it is important to consciously adopt a style of listening that best meets your role and objectives in that context. Here is a short summary of the different styles of listening and when you might use each.

• Active Listening: Fully engages with and understands the speaker. Best for conflict resolution and emotionally charged discussions where validation is needed.
• Empathic Listening: Focuses on understanding emotions without judgment. Use when emotional support is necessary, such as in sensitive conversations. This style of listening reflects emotions and provides reassurance but does not give advice or solutions.
• Critical Listening: Evaluates and analyzes information for decision-making. Ideal in meetings or when assessing proposals. This style includes clarifying and investigative questions.
• Appreciative Listening: Centers on enjoying and valuing the message. Useful in inspirational talks or performances.
• Reflective Listening: Mirrors back what the speaker says, aiding self-reflection. Effective in therapy and coaching. Motivational interviewing is underpinned by reflective listening.
• Informational Listening: Aims for clear understanding of facts. Use when receiving instructions or learning new information. Ensuring that you are able to follow clear instructions involves this style of listening. The focus is on content accuracy without interpreting emotions. Ideal for technical or fact-focused discussions.

If you'd like to train your team in each of these styles and help them practice shifting between styles, please get in touch, I would love to help you! [email protected]

Listening when someone repeats their story again and again and again.

Listening becomes particularly challenging—and essential—when someone is telling their story over and over again. This repetition is common when someone has experienced an emotionally intense or challenging event. They may repeat their story as they try to make sense of what happened or until they feel they’ve been truly heard. This process is a vital part of coping and helps individuals move forward.

For example, think of a new mom who repeatedly shares the story of her childbirth experience. Or consider the way we might retell an embarrassing story to friends until it becomes something we can laugh about. Personally, I’m known for retelling the story of “Zipper Gate”—the time a crucial zipper?on my clothing gave way as I was crossing a busy road. These stories, told over and over, help us process intense emotions and experiences.

As listeners, our role is to provide a safe space for people to tell their stories. Where you find someone repeating their story again and again, it might be helpful to note that they have told you this story before and you can hear how important or significant it is to them.

How to shift from listening to wrapping up a conversation

Once we’ve listened deeply and actively, the next challenge is knowing how to wrap up the conversation or move it forward. This part, I’m happy to say, I’m quite good at. Here are a couple of strategies I recommend:

Reflect and Summarize: Reflect back what you’ve heard, with humility. For example, you might say, “What I’m hearing is that your main concerns are A, B, and C. Is that correct?” This shows that you’re listening and gives the other person a chance to clarify or add details.

Offer Choices: Instead of open-ended questions, offer a few clear options for how to move forward. This keeps the next steps manageable and focused. For instance, “To move forward, we could do this or that. Which would you prefer?”

These strategies are particularly important in conciliation, complaints handling, or other forms of dispute resolution that are time-managed. While it’s crucial to listen actively and deeply, it’s equally important to conclude the conversation in a way that continues to validate the person’s experience while also providing clear next steps.

Overall, listening requires focus, patience, and a genuine commitment to understanding. While it’s not always easy—especially when distractions or assumptions get in the way—practicing the art of listening can transform our interactions. By giving others our full attention and taking the time to truly hear them, we create a space where understanding and resolution can thrive.

In my conflict resolution skills workshops and webinars, we dive into different styles and approaches to listening. If you'd like to learn more, email me: [email protected] .

If you're interested in reading more of the content I have published on dispute resolution skills and process subscribe to my blog here: Resources | Shiv Martin