Listen = Engage

I bet you already experienced this type of situation where a great idea came to your mind, you know the kind that would save the planet… Or maybe not as great an idea but still something like a Eureka moment. You have that feeling of profound excitement!!!

So, you rush to your friends or family or colleagues to share your great idea.

They do confirm this is a great idea and they share your enthusiasm. Awesome, we will actually save the planet!

However, when it comes to taking action, well, everyone leaves the room… “Come on guys, this is a great idea, you said it yourself…”

Why is that? It does not make sense to me…

If we look at the job market, we see an engagement crisis that some call the “big quit” or the “great resignation”.

I am asking myself the question, why is it so difficult to engage people into an idea? To engage your team? What are the key strategies to engage?

Engagement, a fundamental Human need

Apparently, for us to engage in a group socially is a human fundamental need from the studies of Abraham Maslow. We are social creatures, always seeking interactions with each other.

Based on evolutionary psychology, we do have similar behaviours than our ancestors 160 000 years ago, especially when we face danger, even though the danger today is not as frequent nor as life-threatening as it was at that time.

Today, we may fear losing our job or our company and not being eaten by a lion or another life threatening creature… But our body and emotions react the same way (maybe not as much intensity, I don’t know). Anyway, my point is that we had a real necessity to belong to a group. To survive by ourselves was a bit tricky.

So, if this is a fundamental human need to belong to a group, which means to ENGAGE in a group. Why is that so difficult then ?

Engagement, meaning

What comes to your mind when I say Engagement?

Patriotism? Love? Wedding? Problems? Kids? Charity? Time? Energy? Something positive or negative?

If we look at the etymology, it comes from the French “en” “gage”, to pledge: “something delivered as security for the payment of a debt or fulfilment of a promise”.

So there is a cost associated, right?

Sometimes depending on the type of engagement, you could well risk your reputation. It could cost a lot, and this is very much based on our feelings and fears associated with this engagement. What are the risks?

Also, it means saying No to something else, because you can’t engage in all opportunities that present to you. You need to choose and saying No is a massive problem for a lot of us, you??

It means you won’t know if it would have been better to engage yourself in another path. It is the FOMO, Fear Of Missing Out.

OK, so it is a need but still remains quite difficult because of the fear of the potential cost associated with it. Now how come some people have that ability to engage others and some not as much?

Gladstone VS Disraeli

Back in 1886, William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli were competing to be the next Prime Minister of the UK.

A legend says that the week before the election, a woman had the opportunity to have dinner with Gladstone and (another day) with Disraeli.

When journalists interviewed her after she had dinner with both men, she said that after having dinner with Gladstone “I felt like he was the smartest person in the UK”. And after having dinner with Disraeli, “I felt like I was the smartest person in the UK”.

Without cheating and asking your friend Google, who do you think won the election?

If you thought it was Gladstone, you are wrong, but it would make sense, you want the smartest person of the UK to be in charge of the most important leadership role of the country, right?

Well, it seems that this is not the case, it is Disraeli who won that time and he was known as a man who knew how to get curious about the person he had in front of him.

OK, this is politics so there might be more than just that, but it is a very good example to illustrate the idea.

Engage by listening, how did I discover it?

Hang on, I am not the one who did studies on charisma and the fact that listening does get people to engage with you, no… But I did discover it by experience, without knowing about the theory, I just got lucky, I guess.

To give you a bit of context

I used to be the director of operations in a company based in London and I tried hard to get my team engaged. I (strongly) suggested some methodologies and approaches to implement to get better results, get more efficient. As a Director right, I must have some methodologies and approaches that work, they got me where I was as a Director. Well, I found a lot of opposition, it did not work. Morale was not great, no great efficiency (from my point of view), no joy at work.

A few years after I joined that company, I was promoted to take the responsibilities of MD. Awesome opportunity, the company is in great financial trouble. I thought that I should enjoy being a Managing Director as much as I can, because it might not last very long…

So I decided that something has to change and I tried everything except changing my management approach.

I started to listen to my team.

Within a few weeks, the team spirit has totally changed, I did not feel any frustration going to work thinking that I will interact with a frustrated team. What a joy!

By listening to my team, I also tried to trust their view of how they think we should approach things and which methodology to implement. What did I have to lose? Close down the company a month earlier than expected? Who cares?

Well, joy was amongst us, yes, but the team got more efficient. I did not need to go after them or control much, they were more or less autonomous. I could concentrate on Sales & Strategy and within a year we actually made some profits. That was not believable for me when I took on the job.

An example please…

OK, so you must have at least one person in your environment who talks too much. I am part of these guys. When I was young, at pyjama parties, I always finished the only one still awake talking… How long have they been asleep until I realised, I was the only one talking, I don’t know ??

I had a colleague like this within the team that transformed the result of the company I mentioned above. Every time she would come to my office, I knew it would be painful and could last for quite a bit of time. I was frustrated before it happened because I felt I would be wasting time and I had a company to rescue, remember!

So I was trying to finish her sentence, cutting her off to get to the point, then suggesting something I would have done. It would end with both being frustrated, not efficient for any of us.

When I started to stop looking at my computer

When I started to look at her, not doing anything else, and just listening, things changed. She would find her own solution most of the time and we would end the conversation with a sense of accomplishment. Something has been solved! I actually felt like the conversation took less time than previously, it is most likely just a feeling, but it contributed immensely to improve our relationship and trust. That is how her engagement started.

I invite you to experience it for yourself. Try to notice the difference when you talk to a friend of your partner over dinner vs when they are doing something else like the dishes. You will find yourself struggling to express yourself and develop your ideas. It takes a lot more energy. I know I can’t, I must stop and wait until I get full attention.

OK it works, fine, but how do we explain it?

We exist!

When someone listens to us, we feel like we exist. It has been proven that when we are happy about our behaviour around someone, we tend to engage with that person a lot more. Most likely what happened to that woman when she had dinner with Disraeli.

Wants vs Needs

Also, when you listen to people, they will usually tell you about what they want, just like employees asking for a pay rise. But when you keep listening, they will start to express their needs. When you fulfil a need, things change. The wants, not necessarily.

When you get more money, depending on where you start, you get used to it very quickly and it won’t affect your productivity for very long. Hang on, I am not saying this is not a great way to reward employees, not at all, but it is rarely the benefit that will get people more engaged with the company. You may have heard about the “Golden-chains” effect, when you are a very high paid employee within a company, it is very hard to quit because you earn so much. Well, nowadays it does not stop people from quitting anymore, at least not as much as it used to.

As long as this is my idea

A funny one… you may recognise yourself here, but when I was young and that I was in a good mood and wanted to help my parents with cleaning up the table or filling up the dishwasher, as soon as my mother or father would ask me to do it, then my feeling disappeared straight away, I did not want to do it anymore… Weird, I was actually going to do it a few seconds before they asked me to. As long as it was my idea, it was a great idea, but now it isn't anymore…

When you want people to act and help you on a project, don’t tell them your plan. Just ask them what their plan would be. If they come up with the same plan, they will be way more engaged. If they come up with a different plan, well it might turn out to be better than yours. You have a lot more to win than to lose with this approach!

I believe it now, but how do I listen to people ?

Eye Contact

First of all, eye contact is important. Don’t be weird… People tend to look away and back at you, make sure you look that person in the eye when she is back looking at you.

There have been studies about the fact that eye contact does stimulate the secretion of the Oxytocin hormone. It is the hormone known for bonding. You build trust when you look in the eyes.

There is a funny story about 2 people who actually fell in love after they had a discussion where they were asked to look into each other's eyes, and then keep looking in each other's eyes for a few minutes.

Careful, this is quite potent.

Stop cutting-off people...

Secondly, stop cutting off people. You are smart, they know it. You don’t have to show them that you already know. Also, you are wrong about the fact that it is helping them because they were looking for a word. They are better off using their own words (because sometimes it would not be the word you would have given to them) and it is better for the health of their brain (to search for it). I know they always say “thank you” but they are just being polite. They might be more embarrassed that you provide them with the word they are looking for than for the time it takes them to find it, because they are thinking.

Be curious

Thirdly, be curious, keep the ideas to yourself (oh yeah, this is hard, I know, I have a lot of ideas), let people express their full imagination. Only ask questions, ask for more details, more definitions because sometimes it feels obvious what they mean by using a certain word, but you might not have the same definition.

Please share with me your experiences and if it resonated with you!

Resources

"Time to think" by Nancy Kline - https://www.timetothink.com/?

“The Charisma Myth” by Olivia Fox Cabane - https://www.askolivia.com/books?

How Hardwired Is Human Behavior - https://hbr.org/1998/07/how-hardwired-is-human-behavior