Listen and Connect With a ‘Talking’ Soul

For you to be a good speaker, you need to be a good listener, first.

I grew up listening to this mantra but only understood the importance of it when I became a mother 10 years ago. My babbling toddler taught me “to listen”. Not just hear but listen. To understand what he wanted to say, what he was unable to express and what was going on in his mind even though he did not have words.

Research shows that about 85 per cent of our communication is non-verbal. This includes our posture, physical movements, eye contact and our psychological presence. Listening also helps a speaker gain greater perspective in any situation, be it a seminar, 1-2-1 dialogue or conflict.

As technology helps bridge physical gaps across continents, offices today are filled with multi-cultural teams and to maximize performance in such an environment, key is to listen. This kind of multi-cultural interaction is often described as “listening with empathy.”

Janet Reid, a multi-cultural expert and managing partner of Global Novation, describes it as listening to connect with a person’s feelings and thoughts. She says to enable such listening, we not only have to train our ear but also build our multi-cultural muscle by slowing down our knee-jerk reaction to talk over people and listen in the cadence and rhythm [of their culture].

However, as part of our formal education system, we receive almost no formal training on how to be a good listener and usually do not realize that “really listening” to someone is not a passive activity.

So how do we build on our own capabilities to listen more effectively? 

As an HR professional with over 17 years of experience, I have been continuously working on honing my listening skill and it has helped me grow as an individual and professional. It particularly came in handy during the 2020 pandemic when all our conversations were remote - over phone or a computer.

Listed below are my top 10 learnings and findings:

1)    Empathic Listening: This entails making an emotional connection with the other person and finding similarities between their experience and your own so you can give a more heartfelt and compassionate response.

2)    Being Present: Being completely present in the moment and engaged in the conversation without being distracted. Keeping your favorite gadgets away during a conversation always helps. Maintaining constant eye contact lets the speaker feel that we are listening.

3)    No Interruptions: Resisting the urge to interrupt before the speaker indicates that they are done, this helps in ensuring completeness of a conversation.

4)    Avoid Judging: When we jump to conclusions, we only hear what we want to and may miss some key messages out. Don’t judge. Just listen.

5)    Qs: Asking questions that may help clarifying matters further or helping a speaker see a different perspective, of course without interrupting.

6)    Non-verbal cues: Communication is much more than the words spoken. People communicate in many ways, including non-verbal. Acknowledging the information, we are receiving with questions like, “You seem excited about this, can you tell me more?” or “I get the sense that this upsets you, is there anything you need to share?” can help in making the conversation more effective.

7)    Our Reactions: Along with focusing on the body language of the speaker it is important to control our own body language. At times this is challenging, either because we disagree strongly or because the news is upsetting. However, if our body language is not neutral, the conversation may end even before it starts.

8)    Reflective Listening: Reflecting helps in recapitulating the conversation to remember the points discussed or missed. It also helps us realize what could have been done better to make us a more effective listener.

9)    Solution Time: Let the speaker first complete his/her thought process in the conversation. If there is a solution that may be present it should be held on to and only provided when asked or towards the end of the conversation.

10) When to Stay Silent:  Silence allows the speaker to become aware of his or her own feelings, to explore more deeply and to proceed at his or her own pace. Because many listeners become self-conscious with silence, they feel the need to "break" it by talking or asking questions. It is difficult but very important to maintain silence at this moment.

While the above tips are very handy for a “normal” office routine, how do we incorporate them given our current work-from-home (WFH) situation and how do we compensate for the lack of physical proximity when communicating over a call? The answer is simple – in a remote conversation, it is important for us to take turns as we talk, allowing the other person to make their point, using reflection as a method to enable completion of points left uncovered. Also, remote conversations are often short lived due to the wavering attention span over a remote medium – therefore it needs extra concentration and full participation in the conversation.

In summary empathetic listening requires training, persistence, effort, and most importantly, the intention to become a good listener. Stephen Covey says: “Empathic listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives and interpretation, you're dealing with the reality inside another person's head and heart. You're listening to understand. You're focused on receiving the deep communication of another human soul.” And we cannot do more justice to any communication than by communicating “Soul to Soul”.

Happy listening ??