The List (2.0)

Note: This story is back up after my LinkedIn account was wiped and restored. New readers: Thank you for taking the time to catch up with me.

Returning readers: I've added an epilogue!

Hey guys, you probably noticed I’ve been pretty quiet about some sweeping changes in my personal life. But it’s taken me almost 28 years to put into words just how wonderful it’s been. The following is an update in hopes it’ll spark an idea, get someone out of bed or change their lives. This update is also a final step for my own personal coming-of-age story and encouraged by some great people in my life.

(Trigger warning for mental health recovery and thoughts of self-harm).

Spoiler: Long story ahead. It’s a good ending.

I won’t sugar coat it:?

I woke up one morning in August 2022 not wanting to be alive.?

Life and my reality absolutely sucked. The circumstances seemed normal and trivial. But more than usual, I despised my routine:

• Wake up at odd hours (sometimes 4am, other times around noon).
• Get in my old beater 2011 Kia Rio (with a very broken defroster).
• Work in a role that wasn’t what I wanted.
• Keeping my head down in piecemeal jobs I blamed myself for deserving.
• Seeing my (talented) colleagues live out my dream life on TV, Radio & Web.
• Waiting an hour for my frozen car to start so I can go home.
• Look at the mirror hating my own body - a personification of my weakness.
• Struggle to sleep from insomnia, depression and the thought of repeating that old routine again.

There didn’t seem to be an end to my reality. My former journey through a seemingly exciting career became my own skull-sized hell. I blamed myself for my own failures from department to department, without having the guts to see accountability in decision-makers who kept me down and saw the worst in me.

This was when I first realized what the “glass ceiling” was in the world of Journalism and beyond. You could be doing everything right (or trying to), but it takes a few mistakes to give decision-makers the ammo to bat an eye for growth and support. You either work for a company, or a company works for you. I unfortunately never felt like the latter. I thought if I wanted it badly enough, things would turn around. But only the slightest if you were me and not everyone else.

You either work for a company, or a company works for you. I unfortunately never felt like the latter.

I became bitter, jealous, outright sad and alone. I drifted apart from reality and further from joy each day while losing some good people in life. As people walked away from me, I kept spiraling down a thought: I’m a big, fat loser and deserved to exist in the circumstances I put myself in.

After feeling sad for such a long time, it was only a matter of time before I felt another emotion:?

Anger.

When felt responsibly, anger has a way of jump starting the side of yourself that you needed all those years ago. It finally lets you stand up for yourself and against the circumstances bogging you down. In other words: I was too angry to give in and to give up.

Let’s rewind to the moment I woke up in August 2022.?

At the moment I opened my eyes, the first words that would change my life were:?

“I can’t live like this anymore.”

I had two choices: suppress & depress until I couldn’t anymore, or do something about it. All of it.

To cope with losing a handful of friends (and a dear one who unfortunately passed), I coped by reading. Self-help books helped me make sense of the why and how for many things. The biggest being taking responsibility for my faults and others’ faults (even if I didn’t ask for it).

This is what my real turning point looked like:

• I took a piece of paper.
• I drew a line down the middle.
• Left side: I listed everything that bothered me. Small. Big.
• Right side: I wrote the complete opposite of each circumstance (i.e. hate your car? Have a better car).

I tore off the left side and threw it out. I was left with a personal “hit list” I would systematically take on. Even if it took every dollar and fiber of mental hope I had left.

After all, what else did I have to lose?

I stopped pretending that everything was okay with my circumstances at work. I was willing to relocate and signify I wasn’t tolerating another day if it didn’t let me write, voice or hear a marginalized voice (someone like me).

I had two choices: suppress & depress until I couldn’t anymore, or do something about it. All of it.

I spoke when spoken to and stopped with my quips for a week. It led to a somewhat endearing chat with a decision-maker, which led to another transfer to a less-grueling job. At the very least, I was called a producer every day. But didn’t exactly grow.

I wanted to be a journalist first. I accepted the fact I had to get out of there to write, voice and present to some degree. When the same job habits started to reappear, I emailed other bosses about joining and learning.

For a long 7 months, I did the following:

• Buy a new car with savings from my entry-level role and not ever travelling.
• An honest check-in with my remaining friends, who supported me throughout and are still around.
• Leave home for the first time, move out to work at London, Kitchener-Waterloo and Sudbury.
• Learned, fumbled and went on a reporting spree across Ontario while pushing harder on that glass ceiling.
• Met someone special at the time, fell in love and learned I could be compassionate (and be part of someone’s life again). No regrets.
• Left the precarious and somewhat unfair and unforgiving world of game journalism (now enjoying my love for it in a healthier manner and sharing the fun with others).
• Renewed my gym subscription and got to work on my body like the temple it is.
• Stood up to decision-makers (both professional and personal) for my own freedom to grow, explore and experience without anyone’s permission.

My “hit list” for reversing reality started to work.?

I celebrated each time I crossed off a small or big item. For the first time, I learned how capable I was of standing up for myself, being my own best friend and fighting for the life I want. I woke up each day with a new purpose to (figuratively and responsibly) take revenge by success.

In September 2022, I checked off a big item: Go to Disneyland.

The trip had some big effects on how I now view myself and reality.?

One was to heal my inner child with experiences I can give myself permission to have. This is a continued purpose to have fun, discover new hobbies and revisit things I missed out on growing up. Healing your inner child is one of the best ways to discover yourself and those other passions.

Another effect is telling myself I could make my dreams come true. Big or small, cheesy or not. I dreamed of visiting the happiest place on earth (which is an understatement by the way).

By myself, I flew to L.A. I had nothing but time, savings and the absolute freedom to enjoy Disneyland, see Galaxy’s Edge and meet some extraordinary people. It’s still the most fun I’ve ever had by myself. After Disney, I surrendered to my love of movies, Hollywood and pop culture while rediscovering my hobbies.

The biggest image seared into my brain is the Hollywood sign. I sat there for an hour, facing one of the planet’s most iconic giant letters. I told myself one important thing:

“You got yourself here. You did this. No one else. You got what you wanted. You.”

That was the moment I renewed my own vows for myself. I became my own best friend and loved reality. From that moment on, I was invincible. I could do anything I set my mind to.

I took out that now-wrinkled list from my wallet and crossed the final item off in front of the coolest giant letters spelling H-O-L-L-Y-W-O-O-D that I’ve ever seen.

“You got yourself here. You did this. No one else. You got what you wanted. You.”

At the Hollywood sign, I had essentially “killed” a part of myself there. The part of me who woke up, kept his head down, bogged by circumstances and blamed himself for all of it.?

That “big, fat loser” was gone (or at least will never forget that he was wrong about himself all along).

I came back home. I stepped out of the Air Canada plane knowing I was never the same person.?

At this moment on September 7, 2022 - my life really began.

Flash forward to now (2024), it was the trip that helped me with the following:

• Finally left the world of Journalism after being one staff among many job cuts in late-2023. Without much protection or support from decision-makers, it was the last straw that led me to walk away and find permanent, stable work.
• I am much closer with my friends while learning that people also come as they go. Everything has a way of others balancing out and matching that energy.
• I am still working out the gym part - but in recent memory completed my first 10K run in under an hour and climbed the CN Tower just shy of 20 minutes. These are both records that surprised me (and what my body could do).

As of writing, I’m happy to announce that since May 2024, I have found a new home with Achēv, a non-profit dedicated to helping newcomers find work. As a Content Developer and Researcher, I have been getting to be the person I needed all those years while building solutions and pathways to employment.

There’s always a way. I have finally gotten what I wanted in a team that gives me support, love, fun and praise in my ideas and aspirations. The glass ceiling has been shattered.

Here’s my new routine waking up:

• Wake up at 7am.
• Get in my 2022 Ford Mustang that I make every excuse to drive with.
• Work in a role that lets me help people and project my best self with smiles per results.
• Keeping my head up for years to come.
• Addressing my physical health with specialists.
• Finishing my first round of therapy with validation, confidence and affirmation.
• Still seeing my (talented) colleagues live out my (former) dream life on TV, Radio & Web, but feeling relief for myself.
• Look at the mirror loving the person with a reality changing superpower.
• Still insomniac, but powered by a love of video games, DIY cosplay projects, spending time with close friends and streaming on Twitch.
• Planning and saving for my next Disney vacation.

Thanks for reading!?

TLDR: Life’s good right now.

Epilogue (Written on September 13, 2024)

Often times, we're bogged down by our own circumstances to the point of hopelessness.

It's a nauseating feeling of hoping for the best in thoughts without doing much about the cards life dealt. Sometimes there's no choice as decision-makers, bad luck or outright terrible people can take your own love, time and valuable efforts for granted.

Closing my chapter in this life taught me a valuable lesson: you have the power to shape your reality. Like it or not, doing something about it starts with you.

Fighting for the life you want is hard. It can take years (or days), yelling at yourself to get out of bed and losing money and relationships.

But systematically, drawing your own line down a piece of paper and listing the abstract solutions of life's woes gives you something priceless: a new purpose.

This new purpose took me out of my comfort zone. After knowing how to tolerate and keep my head down in familiar territory, building the new life I wanted meant losing the one I knew.

Hence: the metaphor of ending the life I hated and replacing it with one circumstance at a time.

One day, you'll be able to look back at the life you had before. Through the work, experiences and inching your way out of the perspectives and situations you once had, you won't be the same person anymore - for the better.

Ask yourself:

• What does your list look like? Small or big, what is every thing that bothers you, haunts you or feels like a black cloud over your head?
• When was it the last time you verbally told yourself or someone else "life is pretty good right now"
• Everyone knows who you are at work. But who are you without it? Who are you beyond the scheduled hours?
• When your adult self from the office is no more, what is your inner child saying about hobbies, destinations and experiences that can now happen without a work schedule?
• Why wait? Why not make for lost time with your inner child outside of work?

More importantly, when faced with anything bogging you down:

What are you going to do about it?