Liquid People

Polish sociologist and philosopher Zygmunt Bauman coined the term "liquid modernity" as a metaphor to represent the constant mobility and change in relationships within contemporary society. Many of us don't want to commit to a single identity, person, or community, so we remain fluid, able to adapt to any future situation. We also want the ability to leave if we no longer enjoy something. As a result, we refuse to take any decision that may prevent us from making an even better choice, which we believe is just around the corner. But our proclivity to dissolve old "solids" such as loyalties and duties generates a sense of remoteness that leads to indifference, insecurity, and isolation.

Fear plays a significant role in our unwillingness to commit. Pete Davis points out in Dedicated that we avoid commitment simply because we fear we will later regret not choosing something else (i.e., fear of regret). Furthermore, we are concerned that commitment may jeopardize our identity and turn us into a carbon duplicate of the people to whom we are bound (i.e., fear of association). Lowering the stakes is the first step toward overcoming our fear of regret. It's useful to keep in mind that not all commitments must be everlasting. We also need to change the way we think about ourselves in order to overcome our fear of association. If we believe that we have a static self, everything that doesn’t mesh well with us is a threat. The alternative is to view the self as dynamic.

Fear of the past, and more specifically, allowing it to foretell the future, leads also to commitment problems. Thought Catalog tells out that we've all experienced events in the past that influence our behavior in the present and future. Experiences act in the same way that shock therapy does; if we are burned enough times, we will naturally quit doing it. They produce anxiety, causing us to stop things before they start. We want to believe that our problems are caused by an uncontrollable chemical imbalance, but the truth is that we've been conditioned to undermine our own relationships and life choices. The remedy is as simple as writing down the rationale we use to avoid commitment and then reading our arguments aloud to ourselves. It will be difficult not to conclude that they sound silly.

Needless to say, commitment can elicit fear of failure. It can manifest itself in a variety of ways, including believing that we lack the necessary abilities or expertise, thinking that we will disappoint others if we fail, and setting low expectations to give ourselves some tolerance. Many times, in order to avoid potential pain, embarrassment, or disappointment, we simply don't try at all. One simple solution is presented in Tim Ferriss' TED Talk, Why you should define your fears instead of your goals. He proposes that we make a list of the things we are afraid of. It should have three columns: what is giving us anxiety, what we can do to avoid it, and what choices we have for repairing the damage if the worst happens.

Our fear of relationships also makes it difficult to commit. We typically fear rejection, comparison, loss, abandonment, disloyalty, expectations, disappointment, responsibility, vulnerability, and heartache, according to Steven Carter in his book Getting to Commitment. He offers three strategies for dealing with relationship anxiety. To begin, we must dissect our anxiety to determine what comes from our relationship with people, what comes from our image issues, what comes from our insecurity, and so on. Failure to do so generates the illusion of hopelessness, driving us to establish distance or pick a conflict in order to reclaim control. Second, we should not escalate our anxiety by taking drastic decisions when we're in the midst of a commitment struggle. These include breaking up, making up, moving out, moving back in, heated arguing, and heavy apologizing. Any actions we take should be based on well-considered decisions, not on our work in progress. Finally, do not self-destruct. Pushing a situation even further with thoughts like "if it's going to end, let it end now" and "either it's 100 percent perfect or it's nothing" leads to a shattered relationship.

In sum, fear of regret, association, the past, failure, and relationships can all explain why we avoid commitment. But, as I have stated, commitment concerns are not always the result of fear. Other elements can also influence our commitment behavior. Kiaundra Jackson author of Hard Work or Harmony? outlines various causes, beginning with distrust when our trust has been betrayed. In addition, complicated family dynamics while growing up can have an effect as things we don’t want to uphold can take a long time (if ever) to unlearn. Finally, unfulfilled childhood needs or attachment issues are important too. Many do not receive the love, security, safety, and care they require as children, and as a result, they grow up projecting those unmet needs into an uncommitted existence. The only way to solve these problems is to talk about them, as we cannot heal what we are unwilling to acknowledge.

Bauman’s liquid modernity is also evident in the connections we establish in our professional lives. Chris Kutarna, Ph.D., a Fellow of the Oxford Martin School at the University of Oxford, points out that labor no longer ties down capital. As a result, brief contracts have replaced long-term commitments. People who can move and act quickly seem to have the upper hand. In contrast, those who are bound to a given situation, bear a disadvantage. He believes that where once we valued durability, we now prefer flexibility. Today, what can't bend readily will snap instead.

Commitment is also the key to giving solidity to our work lives. When we are dedicated to our job, we create a commitment to effort, honesty, and integrity, among other qualities. The more committed we are to our own personal values, the less prone we will be to being liquid at work, and the less damaging it will be when others try to drag us into their liquidity. This reminds me of the prevailing "ghosting" epidemic, which refers to the poor practice of not showing up for work and then never returning with no explanation or advance notice to anyone (i.e., a 2021 study shows that 84 percent of US job candidates ghosted an employer, potential employer or both).

Moving through life like liquid people is a trap. It gives us the impression that we are gaining freedom when, in reality, it is an invitation to crave for purpose indefinitely. We think we've broken free from the shackles of bindings, but those same bonds keep us safe and happy. We enter and exit relationships with ease when deep inside us we seek belongingness. We know the path to follow starts with committing to someone, a cause, or activity however, we divert in order to continue flowing boundlessly. Zygmunt Bauman once said, “The only discovery humans can possibly make on that voyage is that the route they have taken was but a detour that sooner or later will bring them back to the starting line”.

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. April 9, 2022.?