The LinkedIn Multiverse

I log onto LinkedIn. There are many notifications as usual. Many beloved connections are posting now that Passover is complete. Everything seems normal. Until.

"Wow, there are a lot of articles here. And I have many comments to respond to. Now I know what will take up the next half hour."

The phone rings. I pick it up, expecting a nonsense sales call.

"Hello?"

"Thomas, are you on LinkedIn?"

"Not right now. I'm talking to you. Who is this?"

"David."

"There is no shortage of Davids in my life. I just came home from work and logged on the computer. Believe it or not; articles are popular like they once were."

"That's because you have fallen into the LinkedIn multiverse. It looks like you are in the world where groups never lost their relevance."

"That is what made this site relevant. Are we in 2015?"

"No. Would you want to relive that abusive supervisor? A glitch in the algorithm has caused quantum jumps to different possibilities. Here comes another!"

A portal opens and I am in a harem. Many women are interested in me and I care about them all.

"Hey ladies."

Twenty women are happy to see me. We work together and communicate.

"David, is this where I became a benevolent pimp? That foray into the hidden job market was derailed because half the people I told of my desire did not know the definition of "Benevolent" and the other half didn't know what a pimp was."

"No, you have more astute friends now. These ladies don't work for you. This is the world where having a high credit score is considered sexy."

"As well it should be. It's probably challenging to pay my bills every month on time and keep these ladies entertained."

Opening the next portal

"Geez, it's like those dreams where you meet someone into you and the alarm goes off."

"I don't know where we shall end up next."

"David, is this a reaction to a busy day at work which I compared to Everything, Everywhere, All At Once?"

"Boxes were coming at that frequency. Maybe we'll end up in the universe where your bosses know something about pacing."

"No one on my job uses LinkedIn. Does that mean we shall be transported to a world where they use this site?"

"That would probably be boring. Not everything has to be the exact opposite."

"So we won't be transported to the world where Michael Fritzius has sons and Josh Etress has daughters?"

"They would be loving fathers no matter what. The ground is shaking. Here we go again."

I wake up next to Hannah

Hannah: Good morning.

Thomas: The sun's out. Am I late for work?

H: It's Sunday. The one day we can sleep on the same schedule. I must like you if you wake me up every morning around three

T: Wait a minute. We're together?

H: Together? We're married. I thought you remembered everything.

T: Was David our best man?

H: Who's David? It was Luke Freeman.

T: Wow. I just met him six weeks ago. Oh well, I have no friends and you have known him since grad school. Did we make Magic in the Room?

H: Almost every night. Your son is coming.

T: My son? I didn't think you wanted children.

H: Normally, not really. Since this is the multiverse and you are going to give birth it seemed to make sense.

T: Well, I do have child bearing hips. Hey?! Does this mean the child is going to come out of....

H: You can't even say the word. What's the big deal? They do a Caesarian.

Whoosh!

Landing in a room by myself wondering if that was a statement on Catholic guilt or empathy.

"I'm not sure I like this multiverse, David."

"Wait. You don't love the new features? I thought this was an improvement on the algorithm."

"What about LinkedIn Audio?"

"In the multiverse they only play Ed Sheeran music there."

"You would think in an alternative reality there would be good conversations; not the worst part of Brexit."

"I think supply chain issues and inflation are worse."

"Is there a multiverse where Boris Johnson stepped down?"

"There is one where he combs his hair. Let's go somewhere more interesting."

"How about the world where Tom Dietzler and Kimberly Davis actually get together instead of missing each other by that much?"

"Too much to ask for."

Whoosh!

"I have to go to work in the morning. I don't have the strength to propel myself through the multiverse."

"We're back. This is normal LinkedIn. They will keep making changes, introduce features to the masses so many months later they won't care and you can still write articles under the radar. Your body of work is a multiverse so keep writing."

"There is no reason to stop now."