LinkedIn InMail Chronicles; The Worst Messages of All-Time

This is a new series, showcasing the all-time worst LinkedIn messages from the characters you know and love.

If you have an example of a really bad LinkedIn pitch, or a great one, please leave it in the comments below.

Part 1

The Desperate Loner Looking For a Job: Chuck Noland

My name is Chuck Noland, I am seeking to re-enter the workforce. My last position as a FedEx systems analyst had me traveling the globe, solving productivity problems and fostering efficient operational strategies. This role not only sharpened my analytical skills but also deepened my appreciation for the intricacies of global logistics and the importance of clear, concise communication and teamwork.

I hate to give you a spoiler alert prior to the interview, but I should probably address the large career gap on my resume. The truth is, while on a FedEx cargo plane, we got caught in a storm and crashed into the Pacific ocean. I was faced with an extensive unplanned solitude of four years and was forced to survive on my own. This honed my resilience and adaptability in the most challenging conditions imaginable. As I mentioned, I'm an expert in productivity. Do you know how HARD it was to have nothing to do for hours on end when your expertise is in PRODUCTIVITY!?

Anyway, I believe my skills, along with my extensive background in logistics, systems analysis and problem-solving, equip me to make a substantial contribution to your team.

Ok, I know that only explains the 4-year gap. I've spent the last 25 years looking for my friend, Wilson.

Thank you for considering my application, who am I kidding, you aren’t going to hire me are you? It sure is a shame how people just castaway candidates.

Yours Truly,

Chuck