The LinkedIn Draft

What a week! In the spirit of the NFL draft, where hundreds of young men will see their dreams realized (and in the case of those drafted by the Jets, Lions and Jaguars, shattered), we unveil the first-ever LinkedIn draft!

Companies will select the LinkedIn personalities most suited to their goals for the upcoming season.

So, without further ado, we break down the top seven prospects for the upcoming LinkedIn draft....

#7 - The Activist

Strengths: The activist turned heads at the LinkedIn combine with their ability to run the 40 while telling others to "do better", blowing their competitors who tried to use more subtle forms of persuasion out of the water. They also have a quick-twitch ability to report and block unacceptable opinions, and do not waste unnecessary moves trying to educate those who should educate themselves.

Weaknesses: Inability to understand joke concepts often gets them lost in coverage when lined up against comedians and satirists. Thinks Mr. Peanut is problematic.

Interested teams: Every company that needs a transparently hollow PR stunt about the burning issue of the day to keep Twitter off their backs.

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#6 - The Generic Middle-Aged Guy

Strengths: Excellent field recognition; the generic middle-aged guy can quickly point out when something is or is not appropriate for LinkedIn and should instead be posted to Facebook. Strong technique in things like fractional accounting that no one besides him gives a shit about.

Weaknesses: Old school competitor, would be better suited for the game as it was played in 1987.

Interested Teams: Finance firms and...well, finance firms.

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#5 - The Fake Profile

Strengths: Ability to dupe gullible and thirsty men into accepting connection requests by posing as attractive female. The Fake Profile set NCAA records last year in phishing scams, hacked smartphones and data theft of saved "favorite" hunting and fishing items on Amazon.

Weaknesses: Inability to respond when asked any actual questions.

Interested Teams: Russian Ministry of Defense, Russian Ministry of Propaganda, Russian Ministry of Energy, Russian Ministry of Vodka.

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#4 - The Hi Dear Creep

Strengths: The Hi Dear creep blitzes aggressively up the middle, relentlessly pursuing his targets. Difficult to block as he often returns in disguised blitz packages the next time.

Weaknesses: Overpursues in the midst of said aggression, often and easily shoved to the side by more experienced competitors who can smell him coming a mile away.

Interested Teams: Silicon Valley firms looking to make their employees even more socially awkward.

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#3 - The Emotional Influencer

Strengths: The Emotional Influencer has blazing-fast, record-setting speed as she goes from strong, powerful, stoic boss lady to sobbing, disheveled mess depending on the metrics she needs that day. Great teammate who is often embraced and fed engagement by pods of other influencers.

Weaknesses: Constantly changing backstory and inability to adjust to being temporarily removed from the play by LinkedIn and other platforms whose users have had enough of the charade.

Interested Teams: Solopreneurs who will spend several mortgage payments on her coaching program because they think they have a chance with her.

#2 - The Just-Following-Upper

Strengths: This fierce competitor really dazzled scouts with their motor and inability to take no for an answer. Pursues every prospect until the whistle. Then after the whistle. Then an hour after the whistle. Then a week after the whistle. Then ten years after the whistle. Then the heat death of the universe after the whistle.

Weaknesses: Lack of situational awareness and zero ability to read the defense. Doesn't even try to disguise the approach and is easily blocked.

Interested Teams: Chop-shops that still employ cold-calling.

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#1 - The Actual Recruiter

Strengths: The last of a dying breed that still knows what LinkedIn is used for. Ability to sniff out unhappy employees and poach them for a handsome commission. Strong skills in quickly changing directions when candidates ask uncomfortable questions about salary and expectation of office vs. remote work.

Weaknesses: Sometimes gets lost in the play and forgets to let candidates know how the interview went for that job they applied for in 1998.

Interested Teams: Every company who's had a talent exodus over the past year and tries to pretend that it's because their people weren't loyal, instead of the fact that they ran a sweatshop.

Let the draft begin!

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Geoff Woliner, CEO of Winning Wit, is a?speaker?&?author?who helps organizations?de-stress through comedy.

If your colleagues have been super-stressed over the past few years and need a few laughs at your next conference, holiday party, team-building pow-wow or trip to Mickey D's...

...go to a medium and channel the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield.

But if he's busy, let's chat.

[email protected]