The link between Anxiety and Self-esteem

Before we get to why Self-worth is a game changer, let's first look at the difference between stress and anxiety.?

Unlike anxiety, stress relates to specific situations. For example, having too much on your to do list, doing a presentation for the first time, social situations, coping with new technology, settling into a new role and so on. When the situation changes for the better, the stress usually diminishes; though this may take a few days or even weeks.?

Anxiety is a more permanent background rumble and is usually present even when there is no specific stress to worry about. With anxiety, there is a feeling of constant vulnerability that means you cannot access a state of calm, safety or peace. Everything seems urgent: there is an ever-present rush or juggle.

Anxiety often has its origins in our early years. Some people associate their teenage years with anxiety, but for others anxiety may surface later in life.?

Symptoms can include tension in the gut, feeling on edge, difficulty sleeping, headaches, constant cough, nausea, endlessly rehearsing negative scenarios, anticipating negative feedback, fear of social situations, constant fatigue, exaggerated startle response, restlessness and lots more.

The link between Anxiety and Self-esteem?

Of course there are many causes of anxiety; a full understanding of which would go well beyond this resource. Childhood trauma, bullying, coping with a narcissist for a long time, genetic factors, medical conditions, hormonal factors,… all of these can be linked to anxiety.

But there are many people suffering from anxiety today, who do not have such experiences in their personal history. A more frequent cause of anxiety for many talented people is overdependence on conditional self-esteem, which at the very least will magnify any anxiety present due to the factors listed earlier above.

If your relationship with yourself is contingent on a job title, financial success, physical appearance, owning a high-status house, being in the perfect relationship, or anything else;? then you are almost certain to suffer from anxiety… simply because you know (consciously or subconsciously) that you could easily lose any of these things. Whenever I meet someone who is driven by self-esteem, it doesn’t take long for the anxiety to manifest… even when on the surface they are very confident. You can often hear or see this anxiety in…

• How they talk rapidly (often about themselves)
• Nervous darting eye movements around the room, constantly scanning the horizon for threats
• Flitting rapidly from topic to topic, or person to person… sometimes even interrupting themselves!
• Envy of other people, constantly comparing with others, using social media to address the perennial question of “How am I doing?”
• Repeated use of words such as “I must”,”I should” or “I have to”
• A tight tone of voice, visible tension around the neck and throat
• Preoccupation with risk, particularly those risks that might impact them
• Preparation-mania: the need to be totally prepared for everything, rehearsing every detail

When people are driven by self-esteem, they are constantly asking themselves? “How am I doing?” To feel good, they usually have to be doing better than others. Deep down, they always feel they could and should be doing better than they are. Needless to say, all this self-esteem thinking writes a blank cheque for anxiety.

It’s worth noting that narcissists and manipulators are usually very good at spotting people who suffer from anxiety (often from the symptoms above). They know they can harness that vulnerability to get the anxious person performing for them, utilising their hunger for self-esteem.

How self-worth is a game changer?

Of course, self-worth people want to perform well too! However there is a big difference: they are doing so as an expression of self-worth rather than a condition of self-esteem. Unlike those people driven by an incessant hunger for self-esteem, they feel enough already. Everything else that happens is a bonus. For example:

• If they get promoted, they are happy. If not, or someone else gets promoted, they are still happy
• When facing future uncertainty, they trust themselves and their capacity to deal with whatever the world throws at them… Because they are already okay with themselves.
• When exercising, they do so because they feel good about themselves, not in order to feel good about themselves.
• If they are single, they are happy. If they are in a relationship, they are happy. They have de-coupled their happiness from relationship status… yes, pun intended :)
• They save all that energy that goes into self-validation: they simply don’t need it. Neither do they need ratings, appraisals are any subjective opinions about their value.?
• If somebody doesn’t like them, they don’t waste emotional energy on that. They simply move on (or occasionally have a courageous conversation, because they can do that too).
• When dealing with setbacks, they will feel the same pain as anyone else. However, they avoid the additional suffering that accompanies self-reproach. Therefore they recover much more quickly from setbacks than people driven by self-esteem, for whom every setback comes with “What does this say about me?”
• When tackling technological developments e.g. AI, they feel less threatened. Knowing their own value, they know they don’t need to learn everything about AI (Or indeed anything else.) They can focus on those aspects that enhance the value of their work.
• Developing their professional identity, they are able to move beyond usual “Me-stories”. They focus on how they can be useful: on how they are valuable, not just how valuable they are.
• Socially, they are relaxed. They can give attention to others and/or move on when they have had enough.?
• They surround themselves with other people who see their worth, rather than trying to convince others of their value.

Get to know the self-worth approach to anxiety

On Thursday, February 29th at 4pm GMT I'll host a zoom workshop called 'Overcoming Anxiety: Switching off from an intense world'

Register here for free

? John Niland, Feb 2024. For enquiries about John as coach or speaker, on topics of self-worth and professional identity, see www.selfworthacademy.com or email [email protected]