The Liking Gap & Leadership

Do they even like you?

When you meet someone for the first time, you're often left feeling self-conscious about the impression you made. You replay the meeting in your head, typically criticizing yourself for the things you said and how you acted. You're left questioning, "Did they like me?"

This is a common question for managers (especially newer managers) to ask themselves.?When we manage people, we have an innate desire for them to like us.?In fact, this applies to many of the people in our lives, not just those we manage.?We worry about what they think of us.?We assume they’re judging us for the things we say and do and even for how we look, dress, and act.?

The desire to be liked isn’t inherently bad.?But an over-obsession with being liked can drive some destructive behaviors, especially for those in leadership roles.?It can drive poor decision-making and can lead to uncharacteristic (and even unethical) behaviors.?

Being overly self-critical can motivate manipulative behaviors as you work to impress and oversell your abilities.?You convince yourself that people don’t really like you, and as a result, you overcompensate and obsess about why they don’t like you and how to change their minds.

An excessive desire to be liked can be a fatal flaw for leaders.?It causes us to avoid candor, transparency, and being genuine and vulnerable. ?It can make us defensive and rude and can even lead to withholding information and lying.

The reason this occurs is because an obsession with being liked is driven by fear of being disliked or fear of being excluded from the group.?This means it triggers a natural fear response spawned in the survival brain, leading to brutish survival behaviors.?Self-preservation becomes the controlling motivation.

Here’s the reality…?Studies have found that we almost always, and sometimes drastically, underestimate how much people like us.?There’s a significant gap between how much people like you and how much you think they like you.?This is called the liking gap.?And it’s a big deal!

What this means is that people like you!?Even when you think they’re judging you or looking down on you, they actually like you far more than you realize.?So, stop being so hard on yourself.?Stop being so self-critical.

But that’s easier said than done.?How can you, as a leader, stop obsessing over being liked??

Here’s a good place to start…?Instead of focusing on being liked, shift your focus to being likable.?

When you’re focused on being liked, you’re trying to manipulate what other people think of you.?You’re trying to control something that is out of your control. It's exhaustingly futile.

When you focus on being likable, you try to improve yourself rather than control others.?Focusing on being likable means you’re trying to be genuine, honorable, principled, kind, empathetic, and you’re trying to lead by example and serve those in your charge.?It means you focus on trying actually BE a good leader instead of just trying to convince people you’re a good leader.?

When I started teaching at the university level, I was extremely concerned about what my students would think of me.?I walked into the classroom on the first day, absolutely terrified of how I was being judged.?I was certain my students didn’t see me as a reputable professor.?I was convinced they felt I was a complete fraud and imposter.?At the end of the semester, I received several student evaluations on ratemyprofessors.com.?To my surprise, they said things like “Professor Plenert is my favorite professor by far,” “his teaching style made the course easy to follow,” and “would definitely take him again.”

I was very surprised to receive such kind feedback.?In fact, I still feel unworthy of it.?But it goes to show how large the liking gap can be.?I had no reason to be so self-critical as a new professor.?I was a victim of the liking gap.

Far too often, we hold ourselves back because we fear what others will think of us.?We avoid being vulnerable and genuine because we fear exposure.?I do it. ?You do it. ?We all do it.?So, try to remember the liking gap.? Try to remember that people like you far more than you realize!

When have you experienced the Liking Gap? Please share your thoughts!

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