To be liked or be disliked?

Last summer, my brother-in-law, Francis Jacob , recommended I read The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. I must admit, the title itself sounded like an attack on me. "Who wants to be disliked?" I thought. But I was curious and gave it a shot anyway, mostly because Francis is one of those people who is an avid reader and remembers the entirety of the content he has laid eyes on, and I have always enjoyed his recommendations. I ordered a book and practically finished reading the book from cover to cover in one go.

This book is about a philosophical discussion with an elderly neighbour who doesn't have a smartphone but nonetheless understands the essence of life. Based on the ideas of German psychologist Alfred Adler, whom you may or may not have heard of, it is written as a conversation between a young, angsty man and a serene, all knowing philosopher who leads him on an existential journey.

In summary, Adlerian psychology asserts that you are not defined by your history, that trauma is not a justification, and that you are not required to spend your life seeking the favour of others. This, to be honest, reiterates my favourite motto and something I have truly believed in throughout my life: you accept responsibility for your life and career. I found reading about this similar idea to be both liberating and disturbing. Many people have spent years attributing their dubious life decisions to uncontrollable circumstances, but now this book tells me that I am in charge.

Key Takeaways (aka Life-Changing Smacks to the Face)

1. You Don’t Need Other People’s Approval

According to the book, living for the approval of others is essentially accepting a life of suffering. You're giving people the key to your happiness if you spend all your time worrying about what they think. Let’s face it, most people have no idea what they want for dinner, much less what’s best for your life. So why waste energy trying to meet their expectations?

2. Your Past Does Not Define Your Future

Adlerian psychology boldly states that your past experiences don’t dictate your destiny. This means that blaming your high school maths teacher for your fear of numbers (or life failures in general) is no longer an option. The book argues that it’s not about what happened to you but how you choose to interpret it. Harsh? Yes, but the essence jolted me awake!

3. All Problems Are Interpersonal Relationship Problems

According to Adler (and the wise philosopher in this book), most of our struggles come from how we relate to others. We either try too hard to be liked, get caught up in comparison games, or believe our happiness depends on someone else. Spoiler alert: It doesn’t. Imagine how peaceful life would be if you stopped worrying about being liked by people who probably aren’t even thinking about you.

4. You’re Free, but Freedom Comes with Responsibility

Here’s the part where the book delivers a mic drop moment: You can choose happiness at any moment, but that means taking full responsibility of your life, which, let’s be honest, is slightly annoying because blaming external factors is way easier. But if you want to be truly free, you have to accept that your happiness (or misery) is in your hands.

I had one of those ‘staring at the ceiling and questioning my existence’ moments after reading this book. It made me realise how much time people waste trying to impress or win over those who aren’t even paying attention. The reality is that most people are too preoccupied with their own lives. Having the courage to be happy also means having the courage to be disliked.

One thing I have to mention is the way this book is written. The dialogue format makes it super easy to read, but also slightly frustrating at times. The young man is so stubborn in the beginning, resisting every idea like a cat refusing to take a bath, while the philosopher just keeps calmly dropping wisdom bombs. Absolutely, if you’re someone who overthinks everything, cares too much about what others think, or struggles with self-doubt, this book might just be the wake-up call you need. It’s not your typical self-help book that gives you five easy steps to happiness. Instead, it forces you to rethink your core beliefs, which is both unsettling and refreshing. You might not agree with everything, but you’ll definitely walk away with some new perspectives.

Francis, if you’re reading this, thanks for the recommendation. And if you (dear reader) haven’t picked up The Courage to Be Disliked yet, do yourself a favour and grab a copy. Just be prepared for some serious "Wait... have I been living life all wrong?" moments.