The Likeability Trap Is Real
Shaili Chopra
Founder, SheThePeople & Gytree. Aspen and Stanford Draper Hills Fellow. 40 Under 40
Hi, This is my first newsletter called Sisterhood and I am delighted to be starting this. I am not going to give any gyan, in fact, quite the opposite, I want to raise questions, explore the stuff happening around us and get our thoughts going. Today as my inaugural one and it focusses what we all suffer from - the likeability trap.
Starting when we’re very young, girls are taught that there’s a strict set of rules we have to follow if we want to be liked. As little girls, we have to be seen and not heard. Feminine but not too girly. Sexy but not slutty. Soft spoken and not loud. We’re always walking a fine line.
In the corporate sphere, many studies say that women who are seen as competent and ambitious aren’t likeable. Women who are likeable are seen as incompetent. The two cannot go hand-in-hand.
Women face the likeability penalty at work. When women assert ourselves to be effective, they are handed back labels. Men are 'expected' to be assertive. This “likeability penalty” as Lean In describes often surfaces in the way women are described, both in passing and in performance reviews. When a woman speaks in a direct style or pushes her ideas, she is often called “aggressive” and “ambitious.” When a man does the same, he is seen as “confident” and “strong.
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When Hillary Clinton was standing for US Presidency, the headlines read, "Clinton has a likeability problem." In a recent conversation with me, actor Vidya Balan said while she would like more and more people to like her, it wouldn't come at the cost of her changing who she is, what she stands for. Comedian Mallika Dua noted how women are expected to juggle 'beauty standard, rape threats, political correctness and be 'likeable', when they should not have to.
How do you unpack who a “likeable” woman is? Do the same behaviours and traits that make men likeable, make women unlikeable? And how does this definition of a well-liked woman change when our caste, class, sexual, racial and religious identities come into play??
Would love to know your thoughts. If you are keen to break this down further, check this video out
Founder & MD, Ferns N Petals
2 年This is a great
Helping organisations heal and be healthier through soul centric, wholeness centric leadership integrated in heart and mind. Transformation catalyst for inclusivity, presence, connection in workplaces.
2 年I think the trap is real and as you said it's the conditioning that has shackles on the way we perceive ourselves and how we want to be perceived. I think the straight solution, which is no way going to be easy as it would requires breaking and disappointing the whole idea of validation and acceptance by others whether personally or professionally, is to not try and be likable at all. To just be yourself in full acceptance of who you are, knowing who you are and remembering that you will always be liked by some, not liked by others and ignored by the rest. Owning yourself with confidence and humility is the only antidote to the likeability trap.
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2 年Congratulations! Shaili Chopra for this beautiful start. ??