The Likeability Penalty: How I Paid the Price for Confidence

Manipulative. Intimidating. Bossy.

Those three words hit me like the snap of a taut rubber band against bare skin. Sharp. Unjust. Wounding.

They felt untrue. They felt unfair.

I’ve always prided myself on being empathetic, flexible, and approachable. So, when I heard those words attached to my name, I couldn’t understand how they fit. But then, it hit me—I was experiencing the double bind.

The double bind is a harsh reality for women in corporate America. It’s the phenomenon that makes being both liked and respected - a near-impossible balancing act for women.

You see, when women don’t conform to traditional gender stereotypes—when we’re confident, assertive, or unapologetic—we’re judged as less likable. And that judgment can be career-defining.

Let me give you an example: When I showed up in meetings as knowledgeable and firm in my stance, when I advocated for my team or a vision I truly believed in, I was called “intimidating.” But my male counterparts? They could show up twice as bullish and still be admired. Respected. Even liked.

The very traits that made me an effective leader were the ones working against me in the court of public opinion.

When men are assertive, they’re admired. When women are, we’re “too much.” Confident women get labeled as “intimidating.” Strong women are called “bossy.” And the bias isn’t just from men—we’re all guilty of it.

And the kicker? This bias isn’t just perpetuated by men.

Women, too, internalize and reinforce these standards. It’s woven into the very fabric of how we’re conditioned to view authority, leadership, and success.

This post isn’t about solutions—at least not today. I’m not here to give you the “three steps to overcome likeability bias.” Because let’s be honest: the burden shouldn’t fall solely on women to navigate an unjust system.

Today is about awareness. It’s about naming the bias, calling it out, and refusing to normalize it.

To the woman climbing the ladder, staying true to her convictions, trusting her skills and expertise—and being labeled intimidating instead of respected—I see you.

You’re not the problem. The system is.

And to everyone else? Do better. Challenge your assumptions. Reflect on the labels you’re quick to assign. Advocate for women whose confidence and competence deserve recognition, not critique.

Because change starts with awareness. And it grows with action.

What’s your take? Let’s have the conversation.

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