Be Like Kids

A friend asked me recently how I became good at being a divorce mediator when my own parents were happily married for 65 years. That was an interesting question. I thought about both my personal and my personal experiences.

My parents didn’t divorce, but my brothers did. And I’d been particularly sensitive to how it had affected their young children, whom I adored (and still do!). No matter what was going on between the adults, the kids were loyal to both parents.

I also represented children in foster care at Bronx Family Court for several years before I started mediating. This was during the end of the crack epidemic, and many of my clients had been removed because of a parent’s drug use. Most of them were extremely understanding and forgiving of their real parents. They loved their parents fiercely, and many wanted to protect and take care of their parents – no matter what.

One of the keys to being a good mediator, I think, is to realize that there is no objective “truth” that everyone has to agree on. The sky can look blue to one person and gray to another. It is the mediator’s job to hold both realities in her head – to hold out the possibility that both things could be true at the same time, even if they seem contradictory.

I don’t get to work directly with kids anymore, which I really miss. But I am most grateful that I did so before – I think they really taught me to see things in a more nuanced way, to be less judgmental, and to realize that even though parents may see things very differently, they are, for the most part, doing their best.