The lighthearted “everything you need to know” guide to B2B video conferencing – and it’s not very pretty

So here we are - day 5 of lockdown and if there is one thing that has screamed loud and clear at me this week (apart from my two children) it is that whoever started the coronavirus, clearly has shares in every single video conferencing platform available.

I used to avoid video conferencing like the plague (or the coronavirus). In fact, the rules of social distancing from video conferencing were pretty much my mantra. I needed to hear you, I didn’t need to see you, and even more so – I didn’t need to see myself staring back at me.

Remember in the good old days when the worst thing you could do was record your own voice and cringe as you listened back to it? Now we are forced to look at our own faces whilst trying to do business. In this age of selfies and the Instagram generation, is there anything worse than seeing your own face staring back at you and trying to tilt your screen so it catches your best side and avoids displaying your double chin?

But I am afraid it is not going away people, not for a while yet. So here are my tips, learnings and thoughts on what I have learned this week about video conferencing: 

Camera off

“Why have they not switched their camera on?” is the first thought that immediately pings into my head.

My sales pitch has all now but gone out of the window as I stare at their initials on that black screen, wondering what it is they have to hide. It’s too late for me to switch my camera off now as that would just make me look weird and I can’t ask them why they haven’t got their camera on.

There is only one thing worse than when you are talking to someone who doesn’t have their camera on – when you are on a group call and you are the only person with your camera on. You find yourself increasingly keeping quiet so that your little box with your lonely face doesn’t spring up amongst the alphabet jungle.

Living rooms and kitchens

I feel like I am living my working life in an episode of Through The Keyhole. I expect Keith Lemon to jump out at any time and to start giving me clues at to who lives here.

You want to know why video conference calls seem to take so much longer than your average call? Because we spend the first 10 minutes commenting on each other’s living rooms and kitchens! But we don’t comment to the guy who is sitting in his bathroom. He is just weird.

And let’s all be honest right now – you judge, don’t you? You will never admit it, but as you are scanning over the shoulder of the person you are talking to, checking out the décor of their home, you are judging.

Facial expressions

“God my client is a dick.” Oh sh*t, he can see me. He can see my facial expression! Oh f*ck, his wife has just walked into the picture and she can see my face as well!

There is a reason I have never really used video conferencing and that is because you can lie with your words, but not your face. It is bad enough when you try to put on that really awful poker face in a face-to-face environment – you’re there with the person so your brain kicks into action when your client gives you a ludicrous objection and tells you to do that stupid smile that isn’t really fooling anyone, but is enough to not get you in trouble. But video conferencing? Our brains are not quite trained for this yet, so the moment you hear something stupid, you roll the eyes. You wear that facial expression that says you think the person you are talking to is a total pleb.

But then it hits you. You go stony faced, a bit like a rabbit caught in the headlights or even worse, like you have just been kicked by a mule. You try to recover, but it is too late. You’ll spend the rest of the call feeling anxious, knowing you have lost the deal. Thanks video conferencing, thanks a lot.

Children

“Oh, aren’t they sweet!” No, they are the Devil’s spawn.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids. I just don’t particularly love them between the hours of 9-5 and especially on conference calls when their annoying little heads start bobbing up and down at the bottom of the screen, normally scrounging for food.

I was on a call with the senior management team from my company the other day. Like a lot of businesses, we’re trying to desperately swim against this tide of coronavirus. Decisions need to be made, tough decisions. So, when a little person interrupts halfway my CEO outlining his vision for the next three months because she needs a wee, this is creating a whole new dimension to the boardroom.

But a thought struck me yesterday when my four-year-old decided that her need to wear a Disney Princess dress was far greater than Daddy actually trying to convince a client to part with some marketing budget to I could keep Mediatel Events afloat. What if I put her to work? If Ant and Dec can have success with two little kids dressed up as them interviewing famous people, then imagine my little girl interviewing Sir Martin Sorrell. I have seen Sir Martin interviewed a hundred times before and he always dictates the interview. Good luck with my little girl, Sir Martin! She’ll take you to the cleaners. Anyone interested in sponsoring that?

Old people

Like a lot of middle aged or the more mature adult, I know I am not as IT savvy as the annoying kid in my team who was born in the 90s and shows me up on a daily basis with the most simplest of tasks when it comes to social media. But I know enough to survive and to be fair, most people I come across in the media industry know their way around tech.

But there is always that one, isn’t there.

Occasionally, you will find yourself speaking to a colleague or a client on video conferencing who is a bit like your dad and the conversation will go a little like this:

Client: “I can’t see you.”

Me: “Turn your camera on.”

Client: (Silence)

Me: “Hello”

Client: (Silence)

Me: “I think you have hit mute, not camera.”

Client: “Ah right. I still can’t see you.”

Me: Turn your camera on.”

Client: “It is on.”

Me: “Turn your phone around.”

Client: “Oh that’s it.”

Me: (Sigh)

The awkward face freeze

If I haven’t made my point clear already, I don’t like looking at my face much on video conferencing. So why then, if that is the case, does the technology have to a) constantly freeze and b) freeze when your face resembles Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

No face freeze has ever made anyone in the history of face freezes look good. Even if Brad Pitt was on a video conference and his face froze, I bet he would end up looking like someone who had far greater problems than just the coronavirus.

Here is a challenge for you video conference call providers – create a bit of tech that when your face freezes, it is immediately replaced by your favourite selfie!

The weekend

The first weekend after the lockdown is fast approaching (has it only been just one week??) and it will be time to kick back, relax and switch off.

Well, switch off everything that is apart from video conferencing apparently. Because I have lined up an array of virtual parties, family screenings of Netflix, quizzes and some sort of gathering on something called House Party. So basically, after a week of suffering the humiliation and indignation of face freezes, annoying children, old people technophobes and looking at home décor, I now have to endure a weekend of… well, you get the picture, right?

Steven Scaffardi, Head of Events at Mediatel Events

These views are my own and do not reflect the views of the Mediatel Group (despite my facial expression saying otherwise)