Light upon Mommy's guilt!

"Hey Subha, nice to see you back! How's your little one doing?", "How old is he?", "Who takes care of your baby?", "Back soon??", "Are you not feeding him?", "Did you not extend your leave?", "Why don't you consider a part time working?", "How do you manage?" - everyday questions from people who meet me after 6 long months of maternity break!

As I get ready and leave to work, waiting for my cab downstairs, my neighbors have the same questions as well! While many of them have genuine care and concern, some of them also throw this sarcastically!

"Amma, I will come home at 3:30. I will play with Pranav! You don't worry! Get back to work!" the maturity from my eight year old daughter awed me and I hugged her!

Just 4 weeks since my return to work from my maternity leave! "Pranav, say bye to amma" he smiled at me. I smiled while tears rolled down my cheeks. First time that I am going to be away from him for about 12 hours including my travel time to and fro office. First few hours in office, checking my emails and reading the updates from colleagues!

Had to excuse myself every few hours to relieve my nursing pain! "Is he digesting on his first semi-solids? Can he stay without me? Is he playing? Is he crying? Is he sleeping?" The physical and mental strain ruined me. Back home the first day, I was running a temperature of 100.4 degrees which I knew was biological. Some ice packs helped me. In office, wash room walls were the shoulders I cried upon. Back home, my pillow soothed me by absorbing my tears! No friends nor colleagues had a clue what I was undergoing! All that they knew was I was back to office with a broad smile leaving behind a six month old baby - a cruel mom!

Roadmap and future career plans were discussed. Many took decisions for me now - "You must settle first. So you can do things slowly. You don't have to take up new projects - you are a new mom! You wouldn't travel - how would you since your baby is too small!" People told me of the new work schedules and what has changed since the last six months of my absence and so on. Even the people who I trusted at work told me it would be difficult for me to cope up - this was the time when I questioned myself - "Do they really care or this is the chance they use to slow you down?" Some "so-called" friends were debating on my return!

I spoke less at work and tried less to explain myself. "You don't have to! None except for yourself would know your true situation!" My mind calmed me. My first trip to Berlin was scheduled and when I said "yes, I'm traveling" still more comments and questions. It's my choice to answer them with a smile. 11 hours of my flight was filled with my baby's thoughts! I watched his videos and pictures. Back to the hotel and my first video call with my mom to see my baby. "Pranavvvvvvvv!" I called and he smiled at me. I cried! The hotel room seemed haunting. The cry of a baby at midnight is something I missed. I wanted to hug him, feed him, kiss him, cuddle him and feel his warmth - like every other mom in the world! A lot of emotions pouring within me - would I be the same person as I was before? I cried.

"Subha, calm down! I know it's a mother's guilt. Instead of cribbing and crying over the situation, look upon the Northern star! How can you turn this situation useful? Light upon the new mom's guilt" my inner voice said! I sat down penning my thoughts which gives me happiness as always!

"Every second I spend away from my little baby - is a trade off! This is not my time but his time. I should not waste even a second" I told myself. One week is precious and I started writing down how to make the best use of it. Project schedules, timelines, transition plans and many topics to cover and this is the time for it. What cannot be solved over telcos are on my priority list. I made a plan! As I wrote down all of that, I asked myself "why do people cry over the situation than making use of it?"

Many a times, we are stuck with a personal situation and discuss that at work. The endless conversation of what doesn't work in office is not going to help any of us. Discussing why we don't step up the career path, the political system, unhappiness, guilt, sorrows - nothing is going to help us but will only kill time. If we all understand that coming to work comes with a lot of sacrifices at home, we need to use it wisely. Indulging deeply into topics, putting in our best without looking at what's next, and creating our opportunities matters. It took me many years to understand "Opportunities do not come your way! You need to create it!" - even a small space can be converted to an opportunity if you look at the big picture.

Rather worrying about what's not happening, see how to make it happen. The nine hours at work is something we have loaned from our family and we need to make it worth it! Return on this investment can only be got if we use it to the fullest. We are betraying our families not by coming to work but by wasting it on pointless discussions and worrying. Crying and worrying is not going to solve any issue - be it at work or home. Using every second to the best benefit and growing is the best gift you can give yourself out of all the guilt and shaming. A promotion, a bright career, reaching heights - may not always be the success factors but how peaceful and satisfied you are internally that you have done your best matters!

"Yes, I think about work while at work and for this I don't have to be a guilty mom!" Your mommy's guilt and pain should create a spark within you and you need to be much more efficient than before! This comes with a lot of responsibilities - and "No pain no gain!".

Although it's a repeating situation after eight long years, I am now matured enough to handle the situation. With my baby's smile on my head, I am geared up to use my "New Mommy's guilt" to light me up!