Lift Each Other Up
Today is Pink Shirt Day, an opportunity to reflect on the positive impact we can each make in the lives of others, simply by being kind to one another. It is also a reminder of what happens when we are not kind, and the impacts of bullying and harassment.
This year’s theme is “Lift Each Other Up” and it sparked something within me and compelled me to write this piece. Like many of you, I have been watching / reading the news and taking in the recent announcement from the Alberta Premier on gender affirmation, as well as learning of Nex Benedict, a gender fluid teenager who was attacked in an Oklahoma school bathroom and died the next day.
Let me begin by prefacing that my intention in writing this is not to instigate debate over who is right or wrong. In fact, any of you who have spoken with me know that my belief is that conflict typically begins (or gets worse) when one party attempts to be “more right” than the other. I am writing this because I want to share my perspective, as a gay man, and as someone who is part of the Queer community and directly affected by all of the current conversation about my community. My views are my own and do not represent anybody else, including others from my community.
Alberta’s Premier announced her government is bringing in new rules around transgender kids who wish to use different names or pronouns in school and/or seek gender-affirming care. These rules would require parental notification and consent if a child aged 15 or younger changed their name or pronouns at school. The rules would also block the use of puberty blockers or hormone therapy for those 15 and under (unless they have already started the process) and ban gender-affirming surgeries for people under the age of 18.
First, I absolutely support ensuring safety of all people, especially youth, and can therefore empathize with the fears that some parents have for their children’s safety. I have heard fears including those of youth being influenced by others and potentially being confused about their gender identity, or perhaps pressured into changing their gender identity for a variety of reasons. There are fears of bathroom usage and predators who may seek to harm others using the guise of gender identity to gain access to bathrooms. There are fears about youth not being mature enough or wise enough to know what they actually need and may therefore make choices that are irreversible and regretted later on in life.
All of these are valid fears and should certainly be considered with as much information as possible to ensure the safety of all those affected – that includes hearing from the youth themselves and what struggles they are facing. It also includes hearing from medical professionals who are involved in gender-affirming care, as well as educators who are interacting with and supporting youth at schools.
One of those professionals, Dr. Jablonski, expressed his thoughts on the Premier’s policies in this interview . Dr. Jablonski notes that puberty blockers are, in fact, reversible and are most effective when taken at the start of puberty. For most youth, that would occur prior to the age of 15, leaving me wondering how the Premier’s policies were informed and who was consulted when determining the ages identified. Dr. Jablonski also shares what a typical gender-affirmation process looks like and the number of medical and support professionals that are involved in helping the patient understand the choice they are making, and that the choice is, in fact, one that they wish to make. He dispels the myth that youth can simply decide one day to change their gender and will receive medications and/or surgeries the next day. That is not the case at all. The process actually takes several years and is backed by medical and scientific evidence at each stage of the journey. This sounds, to me, as though the concerns around being influenced by others, and those around maturity and wisdom, are considered and carefully navigated and safeguarded against.
I was curious about the fear around bathroom usage and searched for recent data, in Canada, around any stats of who is being victimized in gender inclusive bathrooms. I wasn’t able to find data more recently than 2019, and specifically around bathroom usage, I was not able to find data from Canadian studies. What I did find is a CNN report from 2019 citing a study of 3,673 US kids aged 13 to 17, which found that 25.9% of students in the study reported being a victim of sexual assault in the past 12 months. Transgender and gender-nonbinary teens who were in environments of washroom and locker room restrictions experienced a higher prevalence of sexual assault, at 36%.
For Nex Benedict, according to a story from The Independent , “bullying started in earnest at the beginning of the 2023 school year, a few months after Oklahoma governor Kevin Stitt signed a bill that required public school students to use bathrooms that matched the sex listed on their birth certificates.” The story goes onto describe how Nex suffered severe head injuries during a physical altercation at their school and died the next day. The cause of Nex’s death is still under investigation but if we come back to the fears of bathroom usage and predators who may seek to harm others under the guise of gender identity, there are far more examples found online that the victims are actually folks from the non-binary and Queer community.
Having now considered the fears I have been hearing about, I consider my own lived experience as someone from the Queer community. For as long as I can remember, I have felt different and at times, questioned my place in this world. Going through my own journey of “fitting in”, first, I unconsciously suppressed any notions of a sexuality that did not fit the heteronormative narrative that was all around me. Every joke or disparaging comment made about Queer folks was another reminder to my subconscious mind to not even consider anything other than being heterosexual. Then I finally started working with a therapist, and through significant denial, suppression, and eventually, realization, I came to terms with my sexuality and identified as a gay man. The journey continued in “coming out” to my family, friends, colleagues, and continues today in the work I do where I choose to “come out” as a part of the sessions I facilitate.
Hearing jokes, disparaging comments, sometimes “well-meaning” questions that have an undertone of queer phobia wrapped up in an “I’m just curious” blanket – those are all aspects of my daily life that I have learned to navigate around. I do so because I feel that I am capable of withstanding those words and if I can keep a conversation going, rather than react to it, there is a chance I might help someone relate to a lived experience that is different from their own.
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However, when children are being attacked, and in some cases, losing their lives, or taking their own lives. When politicians are introducing policies and legislation that strips parents, youth, and professional experts, from supporting youth in the ways they need to be supported – this lands in a very different way. I am not those youth today, but there is a part of me that identifies with what those youth are going through, and I can relate to the feeling stirred up when trying to find my place in the world amidst all the messaging that I don’t belong. It is not a nice place to be in.
Imagine yourself at an impressionable age, where you are seeking validation and assurance that you are accepted, “fit in” and belong. Now imagine while in that state, you are bombarded with messages that if you don’t fit within “the norm”, there is something wrong with you. These youth have political leaders, people who hold significant power and have a tremendous platform from which to broadcast their messaging from, telling them that if they are different, they are not accepted. Some parents of these youth hear this messaging under the banner of “protect your children” and are called to action to do what they believe is protecting their children. Fear starts to infiltrate and it doesn’t take long for fact to be replaced by fear-fueled-fiction. These youth now have more messages coming their way, this time from their families and in their homes where they should feel safe to be their true selves.
I wonder what those youth who attacked Nex Benedict believed they were doing – what they were protecting. I wonder what Nex Benedict felt every time they were given messages that being their authentic self was not okay. I wonder what Nex Benedict’s family is now going through, as they try to piece together the fragments of their shattered lives and attempt to make sense of what happened to their beloved Nex, who they also tried to protect.
I share this simply as a way of offering some insight into a lived experience that may be different from your own. A reminder of the power of our words, who is hearing those words, and, what those words are telling them is possible for them. It does not take much searching online to be heartbroken over the statistics around youth mental health and suicide rates. Those statistics are telling us how these youth are being impacted by the messages they are receiving. This is the generation that represents our collective future – let us remember that the next time we use our words and consider how we can lift each other up.
Resources referenced include:
Other resources that may be helpful:
Embracing kindness truly lifts us all ?? - Aristotle believed in doing good to feel good. Let's inspire change by being the light in someone's darkness. #PinkShirtDay
Indigenous Senior HR Professional - Human Resource Strategy, Diversity, Inclusion and Reconciliation
8 个月So very well articulated Farz! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insights.
Executive Director at ARC Foundation
8 个月Thank you Farzeen ! Well said, & important to reflect & consider how our actions, words & deeds affect others in so many ways. We cannot simply pay token service to this issue; it runs deep & the effects of bullying can impact mental health for *years* -- indeed, even a lifetime. Sadly, Premier Smith's announcements, along with other provinces' anti-SOGI policies &/or legislation, have created a climate of enablement and EMPOWERMENT of bullies USING these government initiatives to justify INCREASING their bullying towards 2SLGBTQ+ students in schools. While surely not intended by governments, they need to consider the consequences of these initiatives. Bullying doesn't come from a vacuum; we need to educate & be pro-active to build bridges of understanding, respect & visibility so we can all see each other with respect, compassion & dignity. It's okay to disagree with or not 'subscribe to' others' religion, culture, language, sexuality or gender identity, but in a pluralistic society we need to respect & understand each other, even if we don't follow or practice the same beliefs. THANK YOU for your efforts to illuminate these issues & opportunities; it is not a destination but a (continual) journey. Keep going!
Passionate about growing leaders through executive coaching, our Authors Speak Interviews, and/or our Leadership Learning Labs. Igniting growth every day, all day.
8 个月So well articulated Farzeen Mawji. "A reminder of the power of our words, who is hearing them, and what these words are telling them is possible for them." And I would add, what if we came with love? How would that change the conversation.