A Life's Work: On Becoming a Mother by Rachel Cusk

First published in 2001, this is a beautifully written memoir about the first year of motherhood. It is raw, honest, and authentic. Described in The Guardian as “her disarmingly frank account of motherhood”… As a father with two preschool aged children none of the content/recollections were shocking. What I found refreshing and enlivening was the transparency, granularity, and coherence of Cusk’s descriptions. It’s unusual to hear a mother describe the full range of emotions and experiences, with such a neutral perspective. Referring to Cusk’s writing as detached or dispassionate would be inaccurate, because she is clearly attached/passionate/loving/caring for her daughters.

There are reflections on her pregnancy, but the bulk of the writing is about the first year of mothering her first daughter. During this year Cusk became pregnant with her second daughter… Rachel Cusk is an award-winning writer, and has made a lucrative career out of her talents. The speedy transition from adult/intellectual pursuits to the domesticity of raising a family was no doubt jarring and confronting for her… There is very little reference to her husband (who gave up a legal career to help raise their two daughters). The book is very much focused on Cusk’s emotional journey, the baby, and their interactions.

Cusk was about 33 years old when her first daughter was born. She had written three novels in the 1990s, two of which were highly acclaimed. The family seems to have been financially well off, allowing them to move from London to Oxford during this year (where Cusk read English at New College). The security of her writing earnings, and the support of her husband, provided an unusual opportunity to openly express her perspectives of becoming a new parent…

The first years are really hard as a parent (we are all out of our depth, grasping to keep heads above water). In almost all households and families the vast majority of this responsibility falls onto the mother. There are unrealistic expectations about having a “natural birth”, breastfeeding, bonding, coping, and many other aspects of motherhood. And there is a lack of honesty about how challenging this period will be, with a wide range of experiences being typical (from lengthy surgical recovery to postnatal depression and anxiety to sleep deprivation to colic).

Why does our society continue with such a large dichotomy, where seasoned mums share the gamut of their experiences with each other but we shield prospective parents from reality?

Cusk’s book was vilified by quite a large number of people, including references to her being a bad mother and the harm that would be done to her daughter (upon reading such “brutal honesty”). Some readers claimed offence, and pointed to negative/critical interpretations of the book, which I didn’t recognise at all. Why is it so hard to accept that mothers (and parents in general) will feel frustrated, exhausted, bored, disinterested, and many other emotions during this most challenging time?

My main takeaway is that we are doing a disservice to future families by shielding them from the truth. A Life’s Work is part of the antidote to this malady… The aphorism “if it doesn't kill you, then it makes you stronger” is sometimes used in relation to parenthood. However, in contrast I have often considered that if family households were a workplace then they would all be shutdown due to ongoing and extensive health and safety violations!! The contrast between formally regulated sectors of our economy/society and the reality of family life is larger than it has ever been. So it should be no surprise that both fathers and mothers often want to return to the stability and predictability as well as adult/intellectual interactions of work and business pursuits, which gives some respite from the on-going marathon of parenting.