LIFE'S LIKE THAT - a personal account of dealing with mental illness

While I published this nearly two years ago, I thought it still has relevance.

Carl Rogers, a renowned research/clinical psychologist, made the observation:

“That which is most personal is most general.”

Sadly, this is statistically supported with regards to the incidence of mental illness. To begin with I would like to provide an account of my experiences as a backdrop to providing an understanding of living with a mental illness. I need to emphasise that, as a personal account, the signs and symptoms I experienced as a child and, more recently as an adult are just that – personal. Likewise, the coping activities applied were mine and may not always have been a) effective or b) recommended. The intent of this presentation is to provide an honest overview of my experiences.

So, to begin: I’m 40 years old, with an additional 28 years’ life experience. I’m going to start by saying my account brings me to today where I’ve been happily married for 34 years and have a 27-year-old son who I’m extremely proud of. That said, another personal attribute of mine is that I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having anxiety and deep depression. In an attempt to put my situation into context I need to go back.

My parents separated when I was 3 and for a number of years thereafter I was on the divorce merry-go-round, that’s to say one week with dad then the next with mum; different environments, rules and expectations. Being with dad was different. He ran a deli and when the doors were locked for the night he would bring out the mattress and, where the customers would stand, became our bedroom. I have a vague recollection as a child of being asked by some government official to choose between staying with mum or dad, saying I’d stay with dad. The rationale was there was me and my sister; I go with dad and my sister stays with mum.

Dad remarried essentially so as to maintain custody of me. Dad absolutely adored me, but he had no parenting skills. I can’t recollect ever having a ‘father/son’ conversation with dad. My introduction to my new mum was that she vowed to have me in a foster care within a fortnight. I was subject to regular physical and emotional abuse. The emotional abuse being more adversely enduring. She was able to do this because dad was away with work for 4 weeks and home for 1. I often slumped into bed sobbing where I would construct a watertight boat with the blankets & bed sheets. It was here that I’d imagine I was safe and secure although a raging storm prevailed around me. I was consumed with fear of the mornings, wondering what I would confront and be dealt with. Just getting breakfast down was a major feat.

At the age twelve I had run away from home twelve times; each time being sent back to my stepmother by my mother. Her partner didn’t want me in the equation. By this time I had attended four different primary schools which didn’t help in establishing a core group of friends. To add to this void my stepmother declared that I wasn’t to play with Allen next door, my best friend at the time. A remnant of the compound effect of these experiences is that I find it difficult to establish friendships. I have strong connections with work colleagues and invest in interacting with them. It’s on the personal plane where I am challenged in this area.

Throughout primary school I had a profound stutter. This was creatively accommodated by the teachers in that, when it came to my turn to read, I was skipped and the kid next to me read on. Physically I had developed severe eczema that would bleed. Interestingly when my dad took me to the doctor only the physical symptoms were treated. The underlying psychological causes, namely anxiety, weren’t considered. I entered high school functionally illiterate unable to read or tell the time; needless to say my self esteem was rock bottom.

I took up the practice of Judo around the age of 10 which bolstered my self image. Over the period of doing Judo I was state champion for four years and runner-up for the Junior Nationals.

I remember dislocating my elbow in the Nationals semi-final contest and being taken off to hospital. I was bemused, to say the least, as to why my instructor didn’t accompany me to the hospital or follow up on how I was recovering. I challenged him in asking this to which he said he’d seen within me the ability to achieve what he hadn’t been able to and when I broke my elbow that crushed his dream. This was a kick in the guts for me. I’d given my absolute all to him, probably to win his acceptance.

Back at school Mr. Fitzgerald, my second-year high school teacher, took an interest in my involvement with Judo and was the first person I can recollect who expressed belief in me. He said he believed I could perform just as well academically as I had demonstrated with Judo. I took the belief he showed in me and at the end of the year was awarded top of the state; well not actually but I was awarded most improved in the class.

It was around this time when there was an occasion where I stood up to my stepmother. This incident brought things to a head where dad had to decide whether it was to be her who goes or me. From here on after it was dad and me. The fear and intimidation were removed. Things were very different in that, from a very controlled, fear dominated environment, suddenly there were no boundaries or rules. I exploited this in getting involved in alcohol and drugs which led to a number of adverse consequences.

At 19 I challenged the parents of my 17-year-old pregnant girlfriend that if they didn’t allow us to marry I’d take them to court. We were married and had a son who was hospitalised for the first 6 months. He’s been born with spin bifida and contracted pneumonia in hospital. I’d finish uni and go straight to the hospital to visit him. In all the time we were operating under this stress, not once did the hospital offer any counselling. Within a couple of years we were divorced. It was when I was at a particularly low point in my life when my mum & sister were listening to Baz & Pilko on the radio when an alert was presented suggesting drivers avoid Unley Rd. A car had run into a stationary bus. My sister asked mum – ‘how can you run into a stationary bus?’ The answer is that I’d been drinking and smoking marijuana and then proceeded to drive the car; an example of high risk-taking behaviour bringing a different meaning to ‘Catch the bus.’

It was only a couple of months after this that I awoke in hospital after a suicide attempt to be addressed by the resident psychiatrist. She gave me two options: 1) be institutionalised 2) commit to regular visits with her and get back out in the world. I can recollect almost observing myself from afar, saying, ‘This isn’t me. I’m not like this.’ I had reverted to stuttering and required the company of my younger sister just to go around the block.

I joined ETSA (Electricity Trust of South Australia – the State Electricity Distribution Company) at 23 in 1976 working from Morphett Vale Depot as a Powerline apprentice. I thoroughly enjoyed the diversity of the work and particularly the teamwork / camaraderie. The 40 or so people in the depot were like a surrogate family for me. I had the prestigious achievement of being voted the ‘Biggest Stirrer’ on three occasions. Only now looking back do I realise that my antics were in fact a case of over compensating for my anxiety. I was masking my anxiety with being the joker. I moved onto the Training Centre where I providing instruction to apprentices. During this period I took up Tae Kwon Do, ultimately training for my 3rd. Dan Black Belt. It’s only now upon reflection that I realise that the exercise regime provided an effective dampener to the symptoms of anxiety and depression.

I entered into a second marriage that lasted for seven years. In the absence of an appreciation of how a family unit operated, I assumed the role of the male was to be ‘the bread winner’. I worked three jobs amounting to around 90 hours a week. My absence from the family permitted someone else to come along with the result being divorce. This was yet another particularly low point in my life.

At both these particularly low points in my life I felt alone, hopeless and a failure. These negative mood attributes squashed any drive to attempt to connect with people in general. Seeking professional help wasn’t even on my radar as an option for consideration. Instead I reverted to self medicating with alcohol finding some temporary relief from depression, though no resolution.

Probably for the first time I got off the crazy behaviour merry-go-round that kept bringing failure and disappointment. I began to evaluate the results I was experiencing. I came to the conclusion that I needed to alter my behaviour if I wanted to experience different, better outcomes.

At the age of 32 I was blessed to meet Taya, my wife. She had her work cut out for her with me, but fortunately loves me, and has incredible patience. Taya filled the void I was operating from. I felt loved, accepted, appreciated and understood; warts and all. I felt connected and motivated by a positive intent to carve out a life together.

Taya took up the mammoth task of attempting to influence me in matters of effective communication skills such as conflict resolution where my principle skill rested in sulking and skulking about until the other party gave in. This presented a brilliant opportunity for Taya to apply the skills she’d acquired in completing a Counselling course as an extension of her nursing qualification.

Remnants of past experiences were still very evident in my conduct. In the early days, Taya became exhausted by the fact I needed to be incessantly busy, a coping mechanism. While I was occupied I was distracted. Idle time meant reminiscing, and that wasn’t a good place to go. She taught me to be still and attempt to savour the moment. There were other little things, like when I would repel from her going to stroke my face, an old fixed reaction pattern from my childhood thinking I would be hit. There are the quirky things that I can’t explain like not being able to enter a library or like, while being nervous, being able to speak in public to 30 or 300 people but having about a 40-minute time frame when in social occasions where after I can become almost frantic to get out; this can be with family, friends, three or thirty people.

Through a series of events I gained exposure to personal development material. I soaked up what authors were espousing. Statements like:

·????????We make our habits and then our habits make us

·????????The past is finite, the future infinite and

·????????Accept yourself for who you are an imperfect, growing, changing human being

As an initiative to change my thinking for the better upon getting up of a morning I would write out 68 positive affirmations. I repeated this exercise daily until I would mentally recite the affirmations. These days when I’m walking the dogs of a morning I have woven the essential affirmations into my daily prayer. This contributes to setting up a good day.

After four years of mammoth commitment with the IVF program, particularly on Taya’s part with four miscarriages, it was declared we had about a one percent chance of conceiving with their assistance. The stress was too much and we came off the program. A month later Taya was pregnant with Michael.

A month before Michael’s arrival Taya and I deliberated as to how we wanted to rear this child of ours. We were adamant we didn’t want to mirror the parenting we had respectively experienced. The foundation value we declared we would operate from and express was our unconditional love for him.

I relished in every opportunity I had with Michael as a toddler and thereafter. Adopting the role of a steward to Michael I personally went through a lot of relearning with respect to values and behaviours.

At 50 I very nervously enrolled in a Diploma in Training & Assessment course; pushing back the echoes of my stepmother’s statements resounding in my head; "You're dumb, stupid and no-one loves you." I was elated to complete this and then went on to do a Dip in Business, a professional Dip in HR and finally a Dip in Life Coaching. It was through these courses that enabled me to enter, and be comfortable in, a library. It’s again only upon reflection that I can see where committing to this series of learning programs was in fact a coping mechanism for me. My time and thinking were occupied in study thereby suppressing the anxiety and depression.

A psychiatrist tells me my brain is ‘hard wired’ by my early experiences and can’t be altered. Another one said that I should consider myself a success in that most people with similar conditions to mine are either institutionalised homeless or alcoholics. While I’m a very different person from 40 so years ago, i.e. more positive and effective, I still need to regularly take prescribed medication that assists in providing me some stability.

I’ve spent several terms in the Psychiatric Clinic weaning off prescribed medication in readiness to take on a new combination. Apparently the condition that my symptoms portray is challenging to treat with medication. There have been occasions when, overwhelmed with anxiety, I’ve needed to leave work early. I am fortunate to have a leader who I trust, knows of my mental health issue and accommodates flexible arrangements. On these occasions when I got home I would hide in the bedroom, blinds down in darkness, alone with no noise. When the effects of anxiety weren’t that bad I found comfort in watching favourite movies that I might have watched half a dozen times before. Our two West Highland Terrier dogs, brother and sister, provide a lot of comfort to me. They compel me to exercise daily, walking them. Of an evening they’re generally on my lap as we watch TV.

In the past I would generally go to bed around eight o’clock, not so much because I’m old but rather that I found that I was entering stimulation overload by then and just seek the quiet darkness of the bedroom.

The inability to manage my mental condition with drugs led to my psychiatrist proposing, what was a final option, Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). As it turned out I went through two ECT programs, the first lateral and the second bi-lateral with respect to the sections of the brain stimulated.

I am happy to say the second program eliminated the symptoms of depression. This left me yet still plagued with anxiety. I came across Mindfulness Meditation and found this particularly helpful to ground me when I might be getting swept up. Frustrated with the ineffectiveness of the cocktail of drugs I was still taking, I counselled with my psychiatrist, saying I wanted to come off them. He somewhat reluctantly agreed and I’m now down to taking two drugs, one with the dose substantially reduced. I am much better for this.

While this might not be the perfect arrangement I’m attempting to accept myself for who I am - an imperfect, growing, changing human being. I attempt to adopt the attitude of salvaging the learning from all experiences, no matter how bitter. I believe the value in this is expressed in the empathy you can display to others and, at the end of the day, I don’t believe any of us are free from the effects of mental stress.

It is from this basis that I have sought to influence the understanding of mental illness and wellbeing within the organisation I work in. For several years now I have presented a half-day Wellbeing/Self Determination workshop with newly inducted apprentices. This is now a part of their curriculum.

It was around Movember some years ago when, upon providing a copy of ‘Life’s Like That’ to the Corporate Communication Department, that I was invited, along with another colleague, to be featured on a DVD titled "Creating an Open Workplace" providing an overview of the experience of having a mental illness. The DVD presentation was followed up with me presenting on several occasions at the organisation’s Leader’s Forum on Wellbeing and mental illness, signs, symptoms and coping strategies. Over the course of twelve months I made fourteen presentations to businesses and community groups as a volunteer Beyond Blue speaker.

Everyone has a story; this one is mine.

DEPRESSION.

A friend recently asked me to describe what depression is like. I came up with this analogy:

You’re an astronaut. You’re basking in the riches of life – you have long term meaningful relationships; you’re admired and respected within your field of operation and you make value adding contribution to both business and the community. Your work demands that you have highly developed skills.

During a voyage in outer space there’s a glitch with a component on the outside of the space craft. You suit up to conducted investigation. In the course of manoeuvring to the site the clip securing you to the ship fails and you find yourself adrift.

How is this like depression: despite all the skills you have, the emotional attachment with significant others and your standing in the community (the spacecraft), in this situation none of that matters or can assist you in the situation; you’re alone, adrift, helpless. The void of outer space is the engulfing depression.

ANXIETY.

I liken anxiety to the following:

It’s in the era of the Roman Empire and you’re an unwilling gladiator who’s thrust into the arena. You’re somewhat disadvantaged in that you’re of Woody Allen’s build and all you’ve got to defend yourself with is Woody’s rye wit. If that’s not bad enough, your adversaries come in a variety of forms including horrid monsters and also in invisible form.

The following words of Sir George Bernard Shaw strike a chord with me:

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work, the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.