A Life Worth Saving: A Nurse's Journey from Sickness to Healing (Excerpt)

Lesson 3

Build-A-Body

All eyes were on me as I walked into a room filled with men and women in their evening’s best dress . Everyone was having a great time enjoying the festivities the evening prior to Fun, Fit & Fabulous women’s health conference . I looked good and felt great . Earlier that day, my husband and I spent the afternoon driving from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania to Charleston, West Virginia for the annual conference . It was a picture-perfect fall day filled with the beautiful scenery of colors, tree-covered mountains, and sunshine guiding our way . Except for the bank calling to ask if I was in Connecticut, shop- ping at Target, all was well in our world . Apparently, you can create fake debit cards and go on shopping sprees . Thank goodness for the folks at the bank who, after the first time I fell prey to an attack, made sure I was always kept on alert . The unfortunate part was that the bank had to shut my debit card down . The fortunate part was that I got to spend my husband’s money for the weekend .

I loved the dress I wore to the reception . A black, off the shoulder, jewel-encrusted, swing dress . It was a hit, but the accessories under- neath became the main topic of the evening . Who would have thought a compliment on how I looked would spark a conversation that had the women high-fiving and nearly falling out of our chairs in laughter? We each shared the joys and struggles of womanhood, especially the amount of energy it took to look good . Outfits, especially for special events, are planned all the way down to what we’ll wear to hold in the undesirable parts . The pursuit of building the perfect body took me down memory lane to Build-A-Bear, a place in malls across America that allows little kids and adults to build a teddy bear made by your own hands .My kids and I have always gotten a kick out of going to Build-A-Bear . We didn’t go often, simply because you needed a small fortune by the time you added all the parts, clothing, and accessories . At Build-A-Bear, you control the entire process of creating your new buddy . You get to stuff it, dress it, and place a heart inside . You can also make it laugh, just like the one I made in memory of my son Keemy . The best part about Build-A-Bear is that you leave with something that was created by you . Just like Build-A-Bear, there are some fashion tricks that have allowed women to build our bodies, if only for one night .

I don’t how it happened, but during the Fun, Fit & Fabulous recep- tion, the ladies found themselves at the table talking freely about every- thing . We didn’t have to censor our conversation since the men were off entertaining themselves . Compliments circled the table about lipstick colors, hairstyles, and dresses . Our compliments toward one another sparked a conversation around the secrets of building the best body, no exercise or no diets needed . Yes, we get caught up in the traps of indus- tries targeting women to believe they have the answer to helping us build a perfect body . From Spanx to Jockey, I had it all . These undergarments cost as much the dress . I couldn’t live without them because the smooth, shapely silhouette they helped build proved to be well worth the invest- ment . These fashion must-haves become our besties . They help pull it all together, tight and right, if only for one night .

I began to share my Build-A-Body secrets that had us whispering, giggling, and acting like little girls playing with Barbie and Ken dolls . There are fashion undergarments that can give you a boob or butt job, annihilate the muffin top, reverse the thunder thighs, and smooth out the caterpillar back . I have so many of these items they have their own dedicated dresser . It doesn’t matter what you’re wearing; there’s an undergarment made to fit all types of attire, including short dresses, long dresses, off the shoulder, or strapless . The secret of how great I looked was in the carefully chosen fashion undergarments . These wardrobe enhancements can sometimes feel like a contraption that may require assembly assistance . Just ask my husband .

Now, there are some rules you should follow when determining which fashion undergarment to use . For one, the butt enhancer is one that requires the most discretion . This undergarment is for those who desire a little more junk in their trunk, but don’t want to spend a fortune, die trying, risk a plastic surgery faux pas, or put in enough time doing the tried-and-true glute builders . The key is to pay close attention to the tips, tricks, and traps of this wardrobe addition . You’ll also have to find one that’s realistic enough that you don’t feel like you’ve added water balloons or even worse—an over-inflated basketball under your dress .

Once you find the perfect one, you’ll need to decide when and where to wear it . The first time is always scary, and for those of you who feel a little nervous about wearing the butt enhancer I suggest you try out your new addition on vacation . This will hopefully protect your ano- nymity . Now, if you run into your pastor or spiritual leader on vacation or anyone else that knows that there’s no way on Earth you were blessed that way, please try not to turn around and walk away . That just might create more problems . Hello!

The first time I wore this figure enhancer was to a black-tie gala . I had on a fabulous brushed silver halter mermaid dress . My attempt at secretly slipping the undergarment on was a failure . As soon as I turned around my husband asked, “Is there something you want to talk about?” My response was no . This conversation soon became a full-blown con- fession of my desire to add some jelly to my jam . Well, that lame excuse wasn’t satisfactory enough . My husband flatters me no matter what . Skinny or thick, it doesn’t matter to him . I’m perfect just the way I am . There was no need to create the illusion of what I think is the per- fect body because his attraction to me is not superficial . It was me that had a problem with my body . The extra tire layers I carried around my middle would have been better placed on my rear . The butt enhancer was a futile attempt at creating a better proportioned physique . I spent years wondering why I wasn’t blessed with a booty like my older sister, Samira, only to find out that she often wondered why she didn’t have my boobs . Isn’t that what we all do? Highlight our imperfections and covet what others have .

I created my own Build-A-Body workshop in my wardrobe . I stuffed some places while lifting and tightening others . My attempt at building the perfect body was far more expensive than stuffing a bear at the local mall . It not only cost a fortune for these wardrobe enhancements, but also wearing them came at the expense of not being able to eat or breathe—two essential components of staying alive . I often forfeited comfort to look good in my own skin . The temporary fix was good for a night . Once the tightening and lifting game was over, things fell apart in the privacy of my home .

Getting up and repeating the same routine was exhausting . And let’s not even talk about what happened in the summertime . It can be ninety degrees at a summer wedding and not only do you have to contend with breathing and eating issues, you should add susceptibility to heat stroke .

The wardrobe enhancements became more like wardrobe hell .

I was aware that a wardrobe full of contraptions worn to create the illusion of a perfect body wasn’t the right journey to save my life . I was still the same person struggling with a healthy body image . I wanted to look in the mirror at a more aesthetically pleasing physique and knock a few medications out of my ever-growing pill box . The superficial enhancements would never get me to the me I so desired to be.

In the safe confines of my home, the many masks were removed and I still had to deal with the person that most people didn’t get to see in public . All the undergarments and the beautiful wardrobe that garnered much attention wouldn’t change the work that needed to occur for me to live my best life . Each night I repeated the same routine of taking them off, washing them, and placing them back in a drawer . Looking in the mirror was an inescapable way of facing what remained .

If I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired, then why couldn’t I change for good? Some say it’s not rocket science . But, it sure feels like it . I understood that behavior change is one of the most difficult aspects of any type of course correction . It is not easy trying to shed ingrained behaviors, let alone fighting against the giants of a health-hostile world . I needed my heart and mind to get on the same page . I had to be relent- less in my approach .

I sometimes laughed at all the wardrobe enhancements available to help build a body . But, I know that some enhancements are not a laughing matter . Women are being severely disfigured and losing their lives after trying to build a body through plastic surgery .

This Build-A-Body workshop we find ourselves in is not a joking matter . Going as far as seeking illegal ways to get a bigger booty causes a lot of harm, both physically and financially . The photos of the destruc- tion are enough to bring you to tears . Mothers, wives, daughters, and sisters are not returning home because their search for a better body caused them to pay the ultimate price with their lives .

Every social media channel is an advertisement for a basketball booty and water balloon boobies . The photos posted aren’t showing off other beautiful features, such as a woman’s eyes or her smile . The dis- play is all focused on showing off assets that get the most attention from people that don’t even deserve to look . That true, deep down, I-love-you- no-matter-what beauty comes from honoring our temples and being grateful for the skin we’re in .

I needed a new heart, and not the plastic, red object used in stuffing a Build-A-Bear . I needed a real one with a strong beat that would give me the perseverance and courage to change my body for good . Saving my life was going to require changing my heart . It’s not how I look that makes me healthy; it’s how I live . My heart is real . Our hearts are real. They beat with a knowing that we are enough. I was trying to build the facade of a perfect physique that I could only call my own for a few hours . If only for one night, I looked per- fect under that beautiful brushed silver mermaid dress . I had the body I dreamed of, diet and exercise not required . For me to be liked or accepted, I needed to create an illusion of Atiya that was good enough for the world . I wanted that good feeling to last longer than one night. For that to happen, I had to love myself so much that I was willing to get on the path to the ideal body that required real work . Work that is sometimes hard and tiring, but work that would produce results that I didn’t have to put back in a drawer at the end of the night.

Marilyn Monroe was spot-on when she said that women are mea- sured by their numbers and shapes . Does she have the perfect physique: 36-24-36? Is she round in the right places? Marilyn desired for herself, and all women, to be measured for what really counted: the person she was becoming on the inside .

I never wore the butt enhancer after that night . It was a perpetrator that would never give me the permanent feeling of what living healthily was all about . If I wanted to see any part of my body change, the change would come by building my best body through the healthy choices I made . My Build-A-Body workshop would include real body parts, no artificial fillers or preservatives added . It would be a workshop deserving of a lifetime commitment.

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