LIFE without REGRETS

It is true - it's possible to have a regret-free life.

The problem is, such a life isn't worth having.

Living life to the fullest, and having regrets, is not an oxymoron.

My father recently passed away. We had a great relationship, and I miss him a lot. And that's precisely why I have regrets.

As Rebbetzin Heller-Gottlieb brilliantly explains, anything good and meaningful can always be done better. If you take a few moments to think about her words, you will appreciate how comforting they really are.

Any relationship that does not have regrets is not a real relationship - like those with your dentist, cab driver, or accountant.

But not with your kids or parents.

Therefore, the trick is not how to have zero regrets, or even less regrets, but how to actually appreciate, and even be grateful, you have those regrets.

If history tells us one thing, it's that no matter how smart, wise or even a genius you happen to be, you can't live life without regrets.

Regrets come in two flavors, vanilla and chocolate.

Vanilla regrets are the result of choosing this road and you should have taken that one. You married Jane, but you really should have married Elizabeth.

Chocolate regrets however are the really tough ones. Those come from not marrying either.

Marrying Jane would have been better then never marrying at all. If you don't believe me, ask someone who never got married.

In fact, don't ask. It won't go well.

Many parents raise their children wishfully thinking that their kids would avoid the mistakes of the parents. While it comes from a good place, the problem is, it's not their heaven you are leading them to, it's your hell you are trying to avoid.

You may be able to help them avoid your mistakes, but they will still make others, just as, if not more painful.

Therefore, what parents should be teaching, and which is a far more necessary life skill, is what to do with those nagging feelings of regret.

It's not just you, no one can, or ever has, lived a great life without regrets.

The Torah Portion called Bechukotai lays out what life looks like if lived well. And what it looks like if not.

The former takes 9 verses and the latter takes around 30!

Why isn't it equal?

As Rav Yaakov Weinberg zt"l explained, more can go wrong in life, than can go right.

It is far easier to mess up than it is to get it right.

There are many ways to play the guitar, but only a few that are called music. There are many ways to bake a cake, but only a few that has people asking for seconds.

Therefore, it is impossible to go through life without messing up. All the people mentioned in the Torah were of exceptional character, nevertheless, they all sat on their deathbed with regrets.

Because a successful life comes with regrets.

Even the learning of Torah itself can only be achieved through making mistakes (Talmud Shabbat 120a). Because the process of learning Torah mirrors the process of life itself.

This is how we learn:

A) We have an idea or expectation of how something will go.

B) It doesn't.

C) The gap between A and B is the lesson.

Of course, many people derive the wrong lesson. Think Homer Simpson, Palestinians, and the International Court of Justice (that is an oxymoron).

However, by trying again. And again. We slowly come to understand the true lesson of life.

This is no different than the scientific method. As Thomas Edison said, "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

Therefore, the way you view regrets will dictate your success in everything. If you look at them like a scientist, as part of the necessary process of having a great life, then you will have a great life.

As King Solomon said (Mishley 2:4), "Seek it like you seek silver and search for it as you would treasure" and you will realize, there is no such thing as failure, just one less place your success can be.

I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that Warren Buffett lost more money last year than you.

If I got that one wrong, please call me.

This is what he wrote, which will go a long way to explaining his remarkable success:

You can't win in life, just like sports, by only playing defensive.

It's like driving with one foot on the gas and the other on the break, you can't live life to the fullest if you are simultaneously dreading regrets.

While I am sure Buffett does not enjoy losing money, it's not the focus to which made him who he is.

What is the way that will give you the greatest life?

That's the question.

And deal with the regrets later.