Life is about where you're going, not where you've been

You are born into this world without choice and as you grow, you realize you are walking along the beautiful journey we call life. 7.6 billion people wake up every morning searching for or carrying out their purpose. The truth is, everyone just wants to figure it out. Through this process, we experience constant change, different jobs, new homes, and new friends. Yet the whole time, we are in search of our true meaning: our why. I am sure you have asked yourself "What am I here for?" As you grow up, you are told that in order to be successful and get a good job you need a good education. Then you're supposed to raise and support a family. In a moment of weakness I decided I did not want to experience any of that.

Seven years ago today my life took a course change. In the fall of 2013, I was struggling immensely with my mental health. What I didn’t know was how to talk about my mental health. I was only 14 years old. After experiencing a bad fight with my parents, something that seemed to be happening more frequently through my adolescence, I went to my room and I did the unthinkable. On the second Saturday night in November, I made the decision that I did not want to live anymore. I sat down at the foot of my door and cried. I was hurt and I felt alone. I had believed that my parents were sick and tired of me as we had only been growing farther apart. At this point I had thought to myself that if I was gone, I was sure I would not be missed. It would be a better world without me I thought. I brought my parents grey hairs, sleepless nights, and frustration. What’s the point, we all die at some point… why not now. After having these dark thoughts I made up my mind. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and texted my oldest brother, “I love you, thank you for always being there for me”. I put my phone down and was certain I no longer deserved this life. 

I was wearing a long sleeve shirt which I proceeded to take off. As I grabbed both ends to the sleeves, I wrapped it around my neck as tight as I possibly could. I tied my first knot. After that, I tied a second knot, and then a third, and an additional one after that. I told myself the more knots I tied the harder it would be to back out. By the time I tied the fourth knot I found myself lying on the floor suffocating, struggling to breathe. I felt my mind soon come to ease as I embraced the end.

I had soon gone unconscious, and within minutes, my mom, having been alarmed by my text to my brother, came to my room. She attempted to untie the knots around my neck while calling for 9-1-1. I had later regained consciousness in the ambulance on the way to the hospital but went into psychological shock. At the time I did not know whether to be happy or upset that I was still alive, why was I saved? For what purpose? I spent the following week in the hospital, and from that point on, for months, I went to therapy. I was diagnosed with seasonal depression, impulsivity disorder, and a mood disorder. I was ashamed and having missed plenty of school, I felt extreme anxiety from peers sparking curiosity to my disappearance. Often as a teenager, we spend so much time trying to find our identity or our purpose. I certainly did not know mine.

Through months of therapy I learned numerous coping skills to combat my feelings of depression, not to put them aside, but in the present learn how to cope with them. I had also grown closer to my parents than I ever had before. I soon began feeling extremely grateful to be alive again and I actually had many thoughts of selfishness too because I had attempted to take my life willingly when many people struggle for their lives and health everyday. However, what I didn’t know was the decision I made at 14 years old was going to impact me again later. In December 2015, I received a conditional appointment to the U.S. Coast Guard Academy pending a medical screening. I had never wanted anything more and I felt a sense of accomplishment. I was on track again and living for a purpose. This feeling did not last long. After months of waiting for my medical results, in March of 2016, I received a letter in the mail from The Coast Guard Academy's medical staff:

Subj: Dylan Roberts Medical Waiver Appeal

Good afternoon Dylan,

We have heard back from our HQ. I regret to inform you that the Coast Guard Personnel Service Center (PSC) recently reviewed your DoDMERB medical exam results, medical history, and our Chief Medical Officer’s recommendation and your appeal letter and has denied your appeal for a medical waiver. The Coast Guard PSC is our service’s waiver granting authority and their final decision cannot be appealed further. I am very sorry to hear the News about our loss in not being able to bring you into our program. I wish you success in your new endeavors.

As I read that letter in my driveway, my heart sank into my chest and tears flowed down my cheeks. I began to cry, more than I ever had before. I felt like damaged property, turned away, and defined by a decision I made at 14 years old. I had no back up plan, no secondary school in mind. After accepting my reality, in the coming months, I decided that I would spend the next year attending Marion Military Institute, a junior college in Marion, Alabama as a self-prep service academy student. It was the only possibility of proving that I could handle the rigors of academy life and the military. At MMI, I worked hard daily balancing both academics and military requirements. After returning home for winter leave, I learned that I had posted a 4.0 first semester GPA. I then made the decision to apply to USNA and USMMA in addition to USCGA again. In the middle of the spring semester I received letters from both academies, USNA and USMMA, stating that I would be denied a medical waiver for appointment. It was not easy coming to terms with this, but I knew that I could not waste time feeling sorry for myself and that I had to keep moving forward. By the grace of God, in April 2017, I received a letter from the Coast Guard Academy. I had received a temporary medical waiver and was granted a full appointment of admission. Mark Twain once said: "The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." On that day I had realized every obstacle that I had overcome was there for a reason. I realized that I had been tested, experienced true weakness, yet I made the decision to keep moving forward. Today I am nearing my final semester at the Coast Guard Academy with a full medical waiver for commissioning. I have experienced my share of ups and downs on this five-year journey but I continue to grow and move forward. I feel stronger everyday and comfortable in my own skin. I want to use my experience to help others. There is a stigma surrounding mental health in our society and I want for all of us to overcome it.

Life is beautiful in its own unique way and over the past seven years I have learned that self-love is the greatest kind of love. I promise that you, the reader, are worth it. Your struggles are worth fighting through. I am thankful every day for this life and for the people that have mentored me as well as lives I hope to change. It has taken me seven years to tell my story. Seven years to feel comfortable to share it without feeling ashamed. I share this for those of you who have suffered or continue to suffer with depression, sense of self-worth, or any mental health illness. Know that you are not defined by it. It took me a long time to understand that and I continue to learn from it. I spend my free time reading about psychology and philosophy to better understand how our brains work and expand my self-awareness and emotional intelligence. I feel that my purpose is to serve others and be apart of something greater than myself. I am stronger today because of the struggles I endured. Nobody can hold that against me.

It’s okay to be wrong and admit your mistakes. When you do, you will feel uplifted and no longer feel that you are carrying a heavy burden. When you embrace your mistakes you will find growth. People often do not want to admit their problems and I never wanted to admit mine. It was embarrassing to admit that I was struggling, and in today’s society, it can be especially challenging as we do not want to be criticized by others. More often than not, we want to pretend everything’s okay even when its not. But I’ve learned that it is okay to not be okay. It is never too late to be who you want to be or live the life you desire. Even if you have to take it one day at a time. Do not waste time comparing your life to others, instead focus on what you have in front of you; your family, friends, and loved ones. If you are currently struggling, it might even surprise you that the more you open up about your struggles, the more people around you will feel comfortable to share their story as well and you will soon realize that you are not alone. You are never alone.  My best piece of advice, one that was given to me is TTSP (This Too Shall Pass). Your struggles are not forever.