Life triggers: Why do we wait for triggers before we start doing something different in life

April 7, 2019. That was the day that changed everything. It was the day that my 3-month-old son suffocated, and I thought I killed him. During those five minutes, my world shattered into a million pieces. I felt like a failure, an incompetent father, and unworthy of his love.

Life triggers can be powerful events that shake us to our core and challenge everything we thought we knew about ourselves. In my case, the most recent trigger was the near loss of my child, and it left me languishing. The shame that sunk in was overwhelming. I felt like I had failed in the most important role of my life — being a father. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be a parent, and that I was unworthy of the love and trust that my child had placed in me.

The languishing went on for about half a year. But as I began to work through my feelings of shame and inadequacy, I realized something important. Life triggers don’t have to define us. They can be devastating, but they can also be opportunities for growth and transformation. I put pen to paper and wrote down the experience, what it meant for me.

Through self-reflection, writing, sharing and podcast, I began to see myself in a different light. I started to recognize that my experience did not make me an incompetent father, but rather a human being who had experienced a life lesson. My life trigger was a wake-up call. It reminded me that life is fragile, and that we never know what tomorrow may bring. But it also taught me that while I am far from perfect, I can always become better if I see myself as a work-in-progress. Learning about how to become a better father is something within my control.

There are a variety of reasons why we wait for triggers in life before we start doing something different. Here are a few possible explanations:

Comfort with the status quo:?Humans are creatures of habit, and we tend to become comfortable with our current routines and ways of doing things. Even if we know that a change would be beneficial, we may hesitate to make a change because it requires stepping out of our comfort zone. This tendency is known as the “status quo bias” and has been studied extensively in behavioral economics and psychology. People are more likely to stick with the status quo when they perceive potential losses as more risky than potential gains.

Fear of failure:?Making a change can be risky, and it’s natural to worry about the potential consequences. If we’re not sure that a change will be successful, we may hold off on making it until we’re forced to do so by a trigger event. This is a well-known psychological phenomenon known as “loss aversion,” which refers to the tendency to prefer avoiding losses over acquiring gains. This has been studied in a variety of contexts, including decision-making and risk-taking.

Lack of awareness:?Sometimes we may not even realize that a change is necessary until something happens that makes it obvious. For example, we may not be aware of the negative impact that a particular habit or behavior is having on our lives until we experience a health scare or other trigger event that brings it to our attention. This can be explained by the concept of “mental models,” which are the cognitive frameworks we use to make sense of the world around us. If our mental models are incomplete or inaccurate, we may not recognize the need for change until something happens to challenge our assumptions.

Lack of motivation:?Even if we’re aware that a change is necessary, we may lack the motivation to make it happen until we’re pushed to do so by a trigger event. This can be especially true if the change requires significant effort or sacrifices in the short term. This can be explained by a variety of theories, including self-determination theory (SDT), which posits that motivation is driven by three basic needs: autonomy, competence, and relatedness. If these needs are not being met, we may lack the motivation to make a change even if we know it’s necessary.

While trigger events can be helpful in catalyzing change, it’s also possible to proactively seek out opportunities for growth and transformation without waiting for external circumstances to force our hand. If you’re struggling with a life trigger, know that you’re not alone. It’s okay to feel lost, confused, and overwhelmed. But remember that these events are not within our control, we can’t control how life happens to us. And we can give permission for these emotional moments to become our invitation for personal growth.

Aaron Pang

Founder of TP Consultancy & Community

Authenticity is a choice. Vulnerability is a strength.

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