“Life is tough my darling, but so are you…"

Moments before going under the knife for the sixth time, Lindsay, by now in her late 20s, recollects a brief encounter with her anesthesiologist.

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“I was naked, except for a pale blue hospital gown…hooked up to an IV and monitoring tubes, and left alone with the anesthesiologist for a briefing. For no medical reason, he decided to pull the sheet and gown back to reveal my left breast while he told me he would be the one putting me to sleep.”

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It was a grotesque scene, which left me horrified and enraged. But the patient – the victim - breezily dismisses the “unpleasant situation”, reminding her readers “I had bigger concerns to consider…”

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Like survival.

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Why Not Me is written with such colour and clarity that readers can easily feel what it’s like to idle a summer away in the Vermont woods, breathe in the ocean air off of Malibu, or be mooned in Manhattan. Part of this book’s genius is the ride the author takes us on. (And, as an aside, the ride she takes on a horse named Zurich nears virtual reality, the words jump off the page.)

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But we are not always in lockstep with Lindsay, as the brutal encounter with the anesthesiologist, or more precisely the way the author processed it, reveals.

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Then again, how could we? She was forced to grow up faster than most of us. The author talks about a “childhood surgeon” with the kind of affection we would save for our favourite teddy bear.

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Other times, we seem several steps ahead of the writer. Readers begin to recognize Lindsay’s inner strength, around the time of her first operation. Even as she scoffs at a Chaplin’s notion that “God only gives these challenges to those who can handle them”, we know he might been on to something.

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But, for me, the moments most out of sync rest with Lindsay alone. She could tap into vast reserves of empathy and acceptance for others who have fallen sick or faced their own demons. But she rarely granted herself the same courtesy. When Lindsay looked in the mirror, she could only see a nightmarish figure, described in disturbing detail, looking back at her.

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“When awful mishaps happen,” experts say, “it can take a lot of effort to get over the recollections, the feelings, and the sensation of simply not having the option to have a sense of security.”

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The search for that sense of security is a thread expertly woven throughout Lindsay’s story.

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I wondered if it would all unravel. After all, the odds of a ‘happily ever after’ decrease when people experience three negative encounters in their youth according to Andrea Roberts, a Harvard researcher. The dangers brought on by trauma are just that much higher. And so I found with every turn of the page, the tension tightened.

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But this is not a dark book. Far from it. Even in the most difficult moments, there is a melody in the narrative, harmony in the moments and the rhythm of galloping heart. Family and friends (and horses) keep her afloat. But she alone swims against fierce currents to find safe harbor. Or as she puts it: “I feel stronger if I confront my pain head-on and dive into my emotional whirlpool, usually confident that I will emerge swimming. It’s the only way I don’t drown.”

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We don’t have to be Dr Gaze, Lindsay’s beloved therapist, to know the scars she writes about are not just skin deep. But a turning point happens shortly after Lindsay finds love and partnership with Chris. On successive dates she speaks about her MS and then her “bag.” He later asked why it was harder for her to talk about the latter, after all MS represented a more life threatening condition.

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“Intellectually, I agreed with him, but emotionally I had not yet come to terms with the fact that people wouldn’t reject me because of my bag. More importantly, if they did, I didn’t know how I would handle it.”

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There was radical acceptance. First from Chris. Then ultimately from herself. The search for that sense of security could finally cease.

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Maybe that’s why Lindsay included a quote from Stephanie Bennett, “Life is tough my darling, but so are you…"

https://www.amazon.ca/Why-Not-Me-Lindsay-Ireland/dp/1947966650/ref=sr_1_1?crid=16KDF95ZFBM7E&keywords=why+not+me+lindsay+ireland&qid=1675370733&sprefix=lindsay+irelan%2Caps%2C964&sr=8-1