Life of the Party

This morning I’m thinking about diversity and masculinity.

?

I attended a party last night. It was a Christmas party hosted by one of my wife’s colleagues.

?

It was lovely from beginning to end.

?

Beautiful home.

Welcoming people.

Abundant food.

?

The host’s specialties included lasagna. He had made like four of them. Each was different. One was traditional. One had shrimp. I think one was meatless. I seek to be a good guest, so I tried them all. They were a testament to the power of cheese.

?

As I was going from group to group, however, I was struck by how many different life stories were in the room, and how many involved lanes I either don’t presently occupy, or never did.

?

The was the woman who offered me a drink. When I declined, it sparked a conversation as to why, which is familiar to me. It also led to inquiries about what I used to drink, which was less familiar. ?

?

It was a retrospective of good tastes and bad choices.

?

Another couple had great news of being pregnant, after years of trying to conceive. I had heard about them from Lori. So it was a joy just to meet them.

?

Another woman reflected on moving to New York City from her home country years ago and being enthralled by the beatify, and the activity, and the life of it all.

?

I remember my own experience of that when I got here 24 years ago. It was like I had grown up under those GE soft white lights, and now everything was 1500 watts. I’ve always marveled at how you can light up a baseball stadium for a night game so that it can be pitch black out there, but daylight in here.

?

That was my experience of NYC. Pitch black elsewhere, always lit here. So I could relate.

?

Then I walked past a group of people I didn’t know at all and heard about a fight at a bar mitzvah. The dad was explaining his son had gotten into his first physical altercation there, because a group of kids came to be rude, and disruptive, and say inappropriate things to the moms.

?

And while I’ve met disrespectful people of every age, gender, and culture, and I wasn’t there to witness the fight, there was something particularly striking about the image of a group of 13 year old boys with a religious understanding that they were now men, choosing to express that manhood through aggression, misogyny, and a lack of self-control.

?

It made me think about how we understand manhood. This is a much longer conversation. It is interesting to me, though, how many broken definitions of manhood figured into this story.

?

A real man is sexually aggressive.

A real man disrespects women.

A real man bullies anyone he sees as weaker than him

A real man is unapologetic when intoxicated, and not responsible for his behavior.

A real man is violent.

?

And this leaves me considering how many of our messes involve bad things done to us by men, or bad things we did as men.

?

It also brings me to a sense of the harm of narrow definitions of manhood. Do we all have to get on the same poison truck?

?

We live in an era that often demands conformity and celebrates uniformity.

If you find meaning, or belonging in that, more power to you.

I do not.

?

I think the world is a richer place when I can celebrate people in their lanes as I pursue mine.

?

I think the world is a safer place when young men learn that the mark of manhood is not empowered mistreatment, or emboldened unkindness.

?

I think the world is a better place when middle aged men learn that the women in their life are not the source of their discontent.

?

And I’m not saying those women are perfect. I’m not saying that people don’t mistreat each other in relationships. I’m also not saying that life is fair. I deal with anger regarding many moments in my life. I created, or consented, to most of them myself. And the ones outside my control are certainly not the fault of the women standing next to me, who are products of the same systems.

?

I also think the world is a kinder place when old men learn that becoming great again doesn’t mean putting people in their place.

?

There’s enough sun for everyone.

I pray we would enjoy it.

I pray we would not block or wreck it for anybody else.

?

May we not be the storm clouds in anyone else’s day today.

You were made to shine.

So just keep shining.