It was a total accident that I found this awesome book. The title sounded great. I have a background in mediation and negotiation and thought this would be a serviceable book. The title “Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as if your life depended on it” interested me. It was interesting because I always split the difference, and it’s okay. The author, Chris Voss, says no.? He was an FBI negotiator; I should keep reading.
There are ten chapters in the 250-page book, each building on the others.? The first chapter is an introduction and in each chapter after, he brings in an FBI negotiation and then some solid principles. The principles are at the end of every chapter.
Here are some things I learned in the following chapters:
- Focus on the other person and what they have to say. What does that person need? Don’t go too fast. Use a deep, soft, slow, and reassuring voice; it is your most powerful tool in verbal communication. That voice should be positive and easy-going. People in a positive mood think quickly and are more likely to collaborate and problem solve. Mirror the opponent.
- Imagine yourself as your opponent. Empathize with them, and they may tell you something. Focus on clearing barriers to agreement. Pause after labeling a barrier. Label opponent’s fear to diffuse their power. List the worst things that the opponent could say about you. Remember that your opponent is a person who wants to be appreciated and understood.?
- Break the habit of attempting to get people to say yes. A no is not a failure; it may just mean waiting or I’m not comfortable. Don’t aim for yes at the start. Saying no makes the opponent feel safe. Sometimes you need to force a no by asking a ridiculous question. Negotiate in the opponent’s world. Creating unconditional positive regard opens the door. “That’s right” is better than yes. Use a summary to trigger a “that’s right”.
- All negotiations are defined by a network of underlying desires and needs. Splitting the difference is wearing one black and one brown shoe, so don’t compromise. Meeting halfway makes for bad deals sometimes. Deadlines tend to rush people for things that are against their best interest. Do not get suckered into a deal when the opponent mentions ‘fair’. Bend the opponent’s reality by anchoring her starting point—the real value depends on the vantage point. People will take more risks to avoid a loss than to realize a gain.
- Ask questions that start with HOW or WHAT. This gives the other party an illusion that you need help. Do not ask questions that start with WHY. Calibrate questions pointing to a solution. Pause if you are attacked in a negotiation; avoid an emotional reaction.
- Follow the 7-38-55 rule published by Albert Mehrabian, a UCLA psychology professor. Also, is the yes real or counterfeit? —ask 3 times. Does the opponent use I, me or Us and we? —the plurals indicate more of a savvy decision maker. Use your own name to make yourself real.
- Identify your opponent’s negotiating style. Prepare, prepare, prepare. Get ready to take a punch, set boundaries, and prepare a plan.
- Let what you know guide you but not blind you. Remember Black Swans (he identifies them in the chapter.) Review everything you hear from your counterpart and double check that. Exploit the similarity principle. When someone seems crazy, they most likely are not. Get FACE time with your counterpart—pay attention to verbal and nonverbal communication at unguarded moments—at the beginning and end of session or when someone says something out of line.
Does this pique your interest? This book is a good tool for furthering your career and getting your best way. The author has some great stories, and lots of good advice about negotiation.?
