Life Lessons I Learned from Death

Death.

The thought of it creates a powerful and often emotional response. It’s something we know is inevitable; yet, we try not to think about it. For many of us, it’s a distant thought, something we can put off and think about later. I, on the other hand, grew up thinking about it rather frequently, and not for the reasons you may be thinking. It wasn’t because of a childhood tragedy or some morbid affinity. It’s because I grew up in a funeral home with two funeral director parents. For me, death was a regular occurrence.

Now, you may be thinking, ‘that’s really weird.’ And, in some ways it was. However, I wouldn’t change it for the world. Constantly being around people struggling through such a tragic event taught me a lot of things about life. Things that have changed the way I see the world, for the better I hope.

While the topic isn’t specific to learning or technology, as many of my posts are, I felt it relevant to share as there are so many transferrable lessons to those of us that work in the learning and talent space given our responsibility to influence our businesses to keep these things in mind.

With that, here are 5 of the biggest life lessons I learned from death:

Lesson 1:

Don’t Let Work Become Your Life

We’ve all heard something along the lines of ‘nobody’s ever wished they’d spent more time at the office when he or she is on his or her deathbed.’ While that’s probably true, the powerful reminder to not let work become your life came not from the deceased but by observing those closest to them. Listening to the stories and seeing the emotions of friends and family as a bystander is something you never forget.

You see, while it’s true someone may have regrets about letting work consume their life before they die, once they're gone, it’s no longer their problem. However, the wake of pain and regret lives on in the friends and family of that individual. I’ve seen families crushed when the mom or dad that was too busy working dies, solidifying the reality that there’s no longer a chance it could change. Forever shattered is the long-held hope that ‘mom or dad may actually make time for me.’

Work was more important than everything will forever be the legacy left behind adding exponentially to the trauma families suffer.

And, if you justify the imbalance because you hold tightly to the myth that what you do at the office is too critical for you to not make it your top priority, I’ve got news for you. While I’ve seen coworkers attend and grieve the loss of their colleague, I’ve never once seen them panicking about how the company will go on, regardless of their position. No matter what you do, things are just fine if you’re not there, so stop pushing everything else aside.

Lesson 2:

Don’t Sweat The Small Stuff

I’ve been told that I seem calm in what many would consider stressful situations. I think that’s largely due to spending so much time around death. When you're regularly exposed to what many would consider life’s greatest tragedy, it puts everything else in perspective. People often joke, ‘at least nobody died,’ but that’s actually how I think we should see things. Death is at the polar end of unavoidable and permanent. You can’t strategize or six sigma your way out of it, and once it happens, you can’t undo it. Most other situations, especially in the corporate world, don’t even come close.

Now, some might read that and mistakenly think I’m suggesting we should all just shrug our shoulders and move on when things don’t work according to plan. That is definitely not the case. I completely appreciate the stress and uncertainty many situations in life create. I also would say it’s critical we have urgency and a focus on taking action when those things occur. However, I think we’d all be a lot healthier if we were able to balance that with the reality that life will go on, and it will all work itself out one way or the other.

The reality is, most things we panic and lose sleep over fall into the realm of, ‘Well, that sucks. Now, let’s figure it out and move on.’ The problem is, it’s so easy to not see it that way, and I’ve been there myself. When I lost my job a while back, I had moments where I really thought the world was ending, but I’m so thankful I could go back and reflect on the fact that ‘Hey, $h!t could be worse. At least I can pick myself up and move on.’ I’d encourage everyone else to do the same.

Lesson 3:

Invest in People, Not Things

I don’t think I’ve ever talked to someone who didn’t agree with this lesson, at least in theory. However, it’s amazing how often work becomes people’s top priority because they’re doing just the opposite. The endless hours at the office to pay for that jumbo mortgage or the fancy car you just had to have. Sadly, all that effort pursuing and acquiring stuff has a dismal outcome once you’re dead.

While I’ve seen people try some crazy things, the truth is, you can’t take it with you. Even if you can convince your family to bury it with you or with you in it, you’re wasting your time. I can assure you, you won’t be admiring your Rolex in the ground.

Also, while you may have admired and enjoyed all the crap you accumulated, your family and friends will likely not share in your admiration and enjoyment. I can’t think of a time when I overheard a happy conversation about what to do with so and so’s belongings. It’s either an argument about who gets it or who has to get rid of it. Chances are, a good chunk of all that stuff you worked so hard to acquire will be sold off or thrown away.

Now, on the brighter side, if you want to see how worthwhile it is to invest in people, spend some time at funerals. It will take your breath away. You can always tell when someone had their investment portfolio right because the stories just keep coming. You see clearly how the time and effort spent on the people around them have vested. It also proves to be an investment with a lifespan far greater than that of the investor. 

Lesson 4:

Appreciate Your Current State

We all like to think we have lots of time left; however, the reality is, it can all be over in an instant. A quick read of the obituaries will validate that not every funeral is that of an elderly man or women. I’ve been a part of many funerals for people who never came close to retirement. Sadly, ignoring this harsh reality can leave you obsessing over what’s next while completely overlooking all the great things going on around you. Even worse, there’s no guarantee you’ll even be around long enough to get there, so it could all be for naught.

Now, that’s not to say there’s anything wrong with planning ahead or looking forward. In fact, you'll read later that I think it's shortsighted to not. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t fully appreciate where you are right now.

Living life today as if you didn’t have a tomorrow doesn’t have to be the stereotypical YOLO clip. It’s about looking around you and being grateful for what you have and where you are right now. It can be as simple as telling your family why you love them, telling someone you know that you appreciate having them in your life, or doing something kind for a stranger just because you can.

After all, just like you may not have a tomorrow, the same is true for everyone else you know.

Lesson 5:

Plan for the worst; hope for the best.

If there’s one really tactical lesson I’ve learned from spending so much time around death, it’s that you need to plan for the unexpected. Given death isn’t an ‘if’ but a ‘when’ you’d expect more people plan accordingly. Tragically, that is not usually the case. Families are left scrambling amidst the tragedy while they try their best to think through all the things that could have been handled much, much sooner.

Having seen this play out far too often, I’d encourage others to plan for other unexpected things like the loss of a job or unexpected family health issue. While I hope that they never come to fruition, wouldn’t you rather be prepared in the event they do?

The truth is, I don’t think anybody likes to think about bad things happening to them. However, the reality is they do, on a tragically regular basis. We tend to think it will always be someone else, especially with things like getting laid off. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t plan ahead of time in case it does. Now, this isn’t to say you should go doomsday in your preparation, but it can’t hurt to make sure you can afford to eat if you find yourself in an unexpected job hunt.

As an encouragement, if you don’t like to think about it, I can assure you that planning for bad things doesn’t make them happen. People pre-plan their funerals all the time. I’ve never once seen someone drop dead as he or she finishes signing the paperwork. I think sometimes we’re paralyzed with the fear that if we plan for bad things it increases the likelihood of them occurring. However, I’ve seen no evidence to support it.

Now, think for a minute. If you were to die tomorrow, would you, or more importantly, those closest to you, have any regrets? Is there anything you could do or start doing about it today? If you answered yes to both, I’d ask, why wait?