Life is good? Stop criticising yourself ??

Yes we live in challenging times for some time now. A lot of uncertainty, fear and change to cope with every day. We are getting tired. Our emotions, thoughts and actions can be disruptive and it is hard to develop a positive outlook, resilience and to improve our emotional wellbeing. I decided to take a week off around easter break and almost drowned in to-dos and things that needed to get done before my break. My energy was drained and it seemed like I was running in a tunnel without any lights while time was running out. I felt bad as I had to tell friends I am available after my break and do not have time right now. At least that was what I told myself. What was going on?

Understanding "negativity" bias and how to break the loop

Our brains have developed over millions of years and are wired to see the negative side of things. Our amygdala continuously scans our environment for potential threats and also remembers threats of the past. This happens with good reason. Those who were more mindful of dangers and acted more careful survived. Let's say that is our system default setting. That means to see the our best self, the good side of things needs intentional focus. This focus can be sharpened by telling myself what I would tell others when being compassionate and just being with them in a difficult situation. I might not be able to find a solution but I can be with them with what is now and recognise what is going on. How about: "You are only human. There are too many to-dos for that amount of time. What really needs to happen before your break?" So I can change my own narrative and see what tasks I already completed. I stop - step back and ask myself how I can best prioritise instead of running ever faster in the tunnel. Do I really have to be so hard on myself? What is the worst thing that will happen to me if that will not get done?

Why is it so hard?

We live in a success driven "no pain no gain" world where failure is never an option. While there is nothing wrong with pushing ourselves and driving success. But there is a line where it gets too much and unhealthy. As we see this behaviour around us all the time we simply forget about self-compassion. Self-compassion means intentionally directing kindness inward. Self-compassionate people understand the being imperfect, failing and experiencing challenges are inevitable parts of life. So instead of being angry with themselves when confronted with painful experiences they are gentle with themselves and acknowledge what is going on. When we do not take this time for ourselves to be with this experience and judge ourselves as "a failure" we feel isolated and ashamed. This separation makes us feel worthless and puts us down in the "negativity loop".

How to practice self-compassion?

1. Be mindful of the story your are telling yourself! Listen carefully to your inner critic and thoughts. Being mindful you can take a step back and observe without judgement. I love to work with the RAIN method when reflecting. I journal on: 1. Recognise what is going on 2. Acknowledge what is 3. Inquire what is 4. Non -attachment to what is and letting go.
2. Seeing the positive in the negative. What good intention does the inner critic have behind those harsh words? Always assume positive intent not only with others also with yourself.
3. Reframe the positive intent by being kind and compassionate to yourself. Talk to your inner critic as you would talk to a friend or loved one. Do not be too hard on yourself.
4. Be patient and develop self-compassion as a habit. That negative self-talk just won't go away over night you have done it for years. It is a process and feels unnatural at first to be more kind. Give it time and trust the process. This habit will build over time

It takes time to lead ourselves out of the tunnel. Working with mindfulness I can say I am seeing the light and it is not as hard as it seems. It is like learning to walk: you fall you get up and you try again. Do it consciously and consistently. Life happens failure happens, things will never be perfect. All of this is much easier if you are kind to yourself. If you would you like cultivate your own self-compassion and mindfulness practice let me know. I am happy to lead the way. www.planb-coaching.eu