The Life Giving Second – Avoiding Wrong Words & Disastrous Actions

By: Dr. John C. Mrazek

Lately, I have been more and more aware of how my words and actions are perceived. I know that I am not the only person who has ever wished that I hadn’t said that or did that right? In my senior leadership roles an off-hand comment or hurried statement has frequently resulted in messes that I had to spend time and energy resolving. I like to think that I always say and do the right things every time. But, being a normal human that is probably an unrealistic level of perfection to expect of myself. So, what can we do?

Several years ago I was reading an article for a class and there was a paragraph devoted to a concept called the “Life Giving Second”. The article was describing techniques used by counselors and case workers to help people struggling with temper issues. The technique focused on ways to distract a person from reacting emotionally and either swinging a fist or saying something that could be incredibly devastating. Research shows that it takes about a second for a thought to become an action or word. The counselors and case managers had created ways to insert a pause into the cycle that could stop the negative action or hurtful words from happening.

When I read about the Life Giving Second technique it impressed me because of its’ potential to help me stop from saying something that I would later regret. Maybe it is just me, but sometimes people say or do things to me that causes my automatic fight or flight response to kick in. When that happens I stopping thinking about repercussions and just respond with whatever occurs to me. That can be really dangerous in leadership settings and during family interactions. The Life Giving Second gives me a way to prevent sudden responses and think through what I am going to do or say next.

I have modified the Life Giving Second so that it is a pre-action instead of an action taken during a time of stress or emotionality as it was originally implemented. As a Christian leader I add God to the process by saying a quick prayer to Him as I walk towards a potentially heated or unsettling event. On the way to a scary meeting I will say the following prayer. “Dear God, I give you the life giving second. Please stop me from saying or doing anything that will cause harm or make a mess.” It can take less than 5 seconds to say the prayer and the feeling of peace and of not being alone that washes over me right then is absolutely priceless. For God a second is an eternity and He can do a lot of work in that small amount of time to change a heart or a mind.

Here is an example. One day I had a tough meeting with an upset senior staff member and I knew our chat was going to have a good amount of heat powering it and lots of misperceptions. In retrospect, if I had gone into the room that day without having first given God the life giving second, I would have walked into a Bear trap. The person was angry, hurt, and had practiced a series of intros that would have surely caused a nuclear explosion of defensiveness on my part. But I said the prayer before entering the room and my mind was clear and peaceful. I avoided the attack and then, because I was listening for prompts from God, I kneed in front of the person and asked them to forgive me for my miscommunication and anything else that I had done to frustrate the person. They were shocked and did not know what to do except to calm down and enter into a professional conversation about their specific hurts and my mistakes. In this instance, the life giving second saved me from a lot of collateral damage and hours of additional conversation.

If you struggle with having a bit of a temper or you lock up when attacked by an agitated person, I recommend trying the prayer of the Life Giving Second. We are all human and sometimes we need help to disrupt the cycle or pattern that our normal tendencies kidnap us into. Most of the time I find that I do not have the time to count to ten or the self-awareness needed to realize that the best possible response is to flee the room. Asking God to step into the life giving second before the event works because he can change your heart or disrupt the cycle.

One final thought. Does this work if you are bush-wacked by a sudden verbal attack? The answer is yes if you have invested in training yourself to listen before speaking and thinking about what you will say before you respond. Then adding the 2-3 seconds you need to utter the quick prayer “God take the living giving second!!!” to you pause to collect your thoughts and plan your response. It may not impossible, but it works and will become an incredible witness to others who are watching to see how a Christian responds versus everyone else.

If you are up for a real challenge, how about giving God the life giving second before your feet hit the ground every morning? What better way to start your day then with a prayer that invites God into whatever is going to happen that day? Every time I teach this concept in my conflict resolution and leadership classes the students bring back real-time stories of when they used the technique and how it changed the situation in good ways. When that happens for you, please email me your story so that I can add it to my examples and portfolio of faith. My email address is [email protected] . May God bless your efforts and I look forward to hearing from you.

By: Dr. John C. Mrazek