Life is all about character, caregiving, and community

There is much to learn about the art of survival when a life crisis hits. Many of us feel unprepared when a loved one gets ill, an aging parent suddenly needs help, or the challenge of bearing and raising children turns out to be a greater burden than we realized.

But these are just some of the challenges life can throw at us.

At one point during my career in marketing, I found myself serving as the caregiver to a mother with cancer, a father with a stroke, and a wife with cancer as well. One of my running coaches called me up when he found out about the situation and offered words of encouragement: "Your whole life has been a preparation for this."

He meant that the challenges I'd faced in athletic competition gave me the tools to manage stress and endure even when hope seemed faint. He was right about all of that. Yet it wasn't easy.

During that year when all those health issues hit our family, there were many things that needed to be learned quickly about caregiving. I got involved in medical planning and insurance, hiring in-home care and dealing with my own demands at work. Some of these lessons were more subtle and harder to absorb, like learning how to be patient in all circumstances. The most important insights came about through the help and example of others. I learned that listening was one of the most important skills of all.

What I also learned is that there are methods to handling all the madness that can come our way. Here are the three categories of concentration that I found most helpful during all those years of challenge and change.

Character

Character is defined as "the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual." Perhaps we think of character as something fixed and permanent within each of us, but that's not always true. Understanding the nature and fluidity of human character is vital to helping people adapt to difficult circumstances. Character is a trait that develops over time, but it can change quickly due to fear or stress. Even success can change a person's character, sometimes for the better, but not always. So the first and most helpful thing one can do during a period of crisis is to think about the character of the individuals involved. Ask questions and listen to what people are saying, and even learn to read "between the lines" to better understand the state of mind among those involved. That's true in personal situations but also in a business or corporate environment. It may seem cliche to say, but character really does count when it comes to dealing with problems and solving them.

Caregiving

While caregiving is defined as "the activity or profession of regularly looking after a child or a sick, elderly, or disabled person," there are also many forms of caregiving that defy such descriptions. Helping people through any form of trouble is a type of caregiving. It also constitutes a project like any other. Coaches and managers, therapists, and bosses are also caregivers in a valid sense of the word. We may not typically think of ourselves that way, but the work world also depends on us to provide caregiving over projects and campaigns. The "project" often becomes the central focus of life. Caregiving is all about understanding the needs and requirements of a person or group and finding the resources to deliver guidance, assistance, and solutions. Handling these tasks requires planning, perspective, and preparation. These days, there are many agencies and online resources available to caregivers of many kinds. If you find yourself called upon as a caregiver, search the term and you'll find a wide spectrum of insights and resources depending on what kind of specific help you need. Don't be afraid to ask them questions. But also, don't depend on the Internet for answers to medical questions, treatments, or diagnoses. That's a bad idea. It is far better to find reliable resources and integrate those in your caregiving plan than to self-diagnose or try to figure things out all on your own. That way lies madness.

Community

One of the main things I learned is that it is far easier to provide caregiving when there is a group or community to back you up. During my late wife's cancer survivorship journey over a period of eight years, I relied on a group of volunteers with whom I communicated through online portals. That virtual community helped us with meals, rides, social, medical, and psychological support. Without that help, life would have been much more difficult for everyone in our family. Some of those people were our family members, but many were not. That goes to show you that every community has its own definition. There are no real rules to what constitutes a 'community,' whose common definition is "a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common." Note that the unifying factor of every community is a "characteristic." That relates back to the 'character' of the people involved. Every solution comes back to the character(istics) of the people involved.

Yet lacking that support, and not everyone has ready access to a friend group or community, there are non-profits, social agencies, government and medical resources devoted to helping people through all sorts of life's challenges. In our case, we resourced with the American Cancer Society for access to people nationwide experiencing the same disease as my wife. We also turned to a local, medically-based non-profit called Living Well Cancer Resource Center that provided services to cancer patients at all stages of their journey.

My mother did pass away the same year that my wife was diagnosed. That left me in full charge of my father's care as well. Once again, I built a community of informed resources that included financial management advice, medical and pharmaceutical support, and good old social support. Some of his longtime friends kept up their Saturday morning breakfast routine until he was too ill to attend. We can be grateful for the character of such people in our lives.

The nature of community

That's why understanding the character or nature of the people involved is so valuable and compelling. We learned through experience that honesty and vulnerability were key factors in relating to our caregiving community. People want to know what's going on, and I blogged to them about our experiences over the years. But not just the medical facts, or even our needs. We shared what the journey felt like, both the lows and the highs, and judiciously chose to be open about our evolving circumstances.

That's a good approach for people in their personal life and also for managers and companies looking to build community within organizations. Having these principles in place can be enormously helpful when people in organizations find themselves facing any sort of personal crisis, but also in day-to-day health and business. Character, caregiving, and community are the three C's of collective support and belief.

Christopher Cudworth is the author of a memoir titled The Right Kind of Pride: Character, Caregiving, and Community. The book is available on Amazon.com. To book a speaking engagement or consultation for your group or organization, you can reach him at [email protected] or through Linkedin.