Life After Layoff: What Happened When I Was Forced to Stop Everything

Bigger, better, faster, more. This is the way I ran my entire life for 3 decades.?

My need to feel productive all the time actually created the opposite effect. It was causing me to feel limited, trapped, anxious, and left me constantly questioning my value. Sure, I accomplished a lot last year, last week, yesterday, today—but what about tomorrow? What would I do then to prove to myself that I was still valuable? I had confused momentum with obsession, driving myself into exhaustion and confusion in nearly every aspect of my life without realizing it.?

Since my teenage years, I’ve always had an endless to-do list because I was constantly running from the stillness of my mind. Slowing down means having to recognize things that might feel uncomfortable or unsettled. For me it was my insecurities.?

The rising frustrations in my marriage.?

The financial anxieties that stemmed from my upbringing.?

The disgust at the way my body was aging.?

The discomfort of my misaligned leadership role.?

Not knowing how to get out from under so much responsibility created feelings of loneliness and isolation. But I thought that if I just kept moving faster and faster then I wouldn’t have to deal with any of that unpleasantness. After all, I just crossed 27 things off my list today, so at least that’s something, right?

Wrong.?

I had my first taste of an uncomfortable slowdown in 2017, after a layoff that was followed by a new role misalignment which caused me to be back on unemployment only 5 months later. I knew that I rushed to get that job so I could avoid a potential resume gap, and subsequently rushed past all the red flags in the interview process as well.

After those two miserable back-to-back job loss experiences, I was exhausted and decided that 2017 would be the “Summer of Jamie!” I was going to enjoy it in true George Costanza fashion and tried my best to slow down, but only got about 50% of the way there. I was still filling my days with exhausting house projects for our midcentury fixer, an intense training plan for a 10k race I signed up for on the day of my layoff, and far too much freelance design work that I didn’t necessarily enjoy.?

Nothing is wrong with any of those things on their own. But compiled, they kept me from the stillness I needed. From actually seeing the bigger picture and dealing with grief that was slowly building up inside me.

This unsustainable pace continued until early 2020. Literally every project, plan, and responsibility was ripped from my life all at once. I didn’t have a job to go to, pets to walk or feed, a partner to cook for, deadlines to meet, a creative team that needed guidance, or anxious corporate leaders to email late in the evenings. I didn’t even have to clean my own damn house because 6 weeks prior I had exited a 27-year relationship and was temporarily living in a furnished studio Airbnb where everything was taken care of for me, right down to the dish soap.

So one morning, after a paralyzing anxiety attack, a long discussion with my therapist, and a serious ugly-cry, I deleted the to-do app on my phone and decided it was time to slow down and stop distracting myself.?

After all, it was lockdown. I couldn’t grocery shop, browse bookstores, go to the gym, or grab coffee with my friends. And my entire family was in lockdown 3,000 miles away, so there was truly NOWHERE left to hide from the noise inside my head. It was all coming to the surface and I was terrified that the only way out was through.?

At first it was uncomfortable as hell. I was itching for something—anything—to do that made me feel productive. That gave me my daily distraction medicine. But there wasn’t anything there to spoon feed me.

NO ONE needed me. Except myself.?

So I decided it was time to create a new routine.?I took long walks simply to be outside, instead of tracking my steps.?I smelled every flower instead of just rushing past them. I smiled at strangers instead of mindlessly gabbing into my phone.?I sat in the park on a blanket with my journal for several hours every day, catching my thoughts.?I did yoga every morning while watching the sun rise, instead of scrolling Instagram.?I forced myself to cook & eat dinner alone every day. Slowly. Without logging my calories.?

No television.

No social media.?

No YouTube tutorials.?

Because I knew I had the time. And also because suddenly and unexpectedly losing my father only 3 months earlier made me aware that time was a gift we all tend to squander when we have it.?

I was inside a mental fortress of solitude. And it was uncomfortable as hell.?

But after a few weeks of this––to my surprise––being alone with my thoughts and savoring the moments in my day actually opened up creative pathways that I was previously running over with my busy brain. And the results were astonishing.?

It’s how I got through the intense grief caused by losing my dad, my marriage, my home, my dogs, and my job, all within a 90-day window.?

It’s how I virtually reconnected with friends that I hadn’t seen in a long time—some in almost a decade—and rebuilt the supportive network I’d secretly been longing for.

It’s how I accidentally ran a 7-minute mile on a random morning jog without even trying.

It’s how I came up with this business idea to focus my energy on supporting other creatives who are struggling, and potentially also avoiding the same stillness and clarity I had resisted for so many years.

Because it takes one to know one.?

It’s also how I recognized who I really was, what I had to offer, the value I could create in the world, and found the courage to pivot away from the creative career I had steadily grown for over 20 years.?

I saw myself differently.

I saw my worth differently.

I saw my life differently.?

When I finally stopped trying to drown it out, it all fell into place.?

It’s hard as hell to slow down when the treadmill you’ve been on has been maxed out at 10 your whole adult life. But I found that not rushing changed my entire perspective on what I have to offer the world. And it was way more than I initially thought it was.?

If we don’t stop to recognize our own value, to take care of ourselves, and to nourish our inner creative spirit, we’ll never be able to share it with others to do the work we really want to do. We also won’t be able to generate innovative ideas, explore our creativity, recognize true career alignment, come up with better ways of promoting ourselves, or build our networks effectively.?

Your creative life is not something to “get through” and cross off a checklist. If you’re at a slowdown moment, I can tell you from experience that it’s meant to force you to actually see the things you’ve been just blazing by for far too long. Because those are the things that will actually get you to where you want to be, and where you’re MEANT to be. ??

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Rock That Creative Job provides empathetic career support for creative professionals across the globe through coaching, speaking, workshops, courses, online content, and podcasts. Founder and ex-Designer / Creative Director, Jamie Roberts, is dedicated to supporting creatives with the practical, emotional, and mindset guidance they need to identify and overcome the hidden blocks that can prevent them from having the career success they want. Learn more at rockthatcreativejob.com