Leverage Conflict Constructively

Topics Addressed:

?Defining Conflict

?Good Conflicts

?Leveraging Conflict Constructively

?Conversational Strategies

?Knowing When to Walk Away

Defining Conflict

When we think of the word "conflict, " there are definitely some negative connotations. Literally, Merriam-Webster's first definition is "Fight—battle—war."

Those words bring up negative feelings and images. And especially in the workplace, we don’t want to feel that way: locking horns with our colleagues, our peers, or worse, our bosses.

Getting along is so much nicer. Peace is so much easier. Tranquility is bliss.

Right?

Isn’t it?

Is it?

According to Harvard Law School, there are also three workplace conflict categories:

Task conflicts are possibly the simplest and are usually resolved by discussing them with your management.

Relationship conflicts can be a little more complicated. People are diverse and working on proposals, and in BD, we work with many diverse groups of people all year long. This added to our complex task of winning business, creates a ripe environment for conflicts to arise.

Value conflicts can go deeper and be based on the way we see the world.

It’s not impossible to overcome any of these conflicts; only clear communication and willingness are needed.

Can Conflict be Good?

Understanding the negative feelings associated with conflict, are there any situations where conflict can be good?

Thinking of the fundamental fact that to build muscles in your body is an act of conflict. Lifting weights, running, cardio, the specific acts, not to mention the decision to get out of bed and move your body when you’d rather not! It’s a positive conflict!

Knowing that sometimes conflict can lead to positive results and thinking about the environment in which we work--where there are plenty of opportunities for conflict to arise--how do we start to leverage conflict constructively?

Steps to Leveraging Conflict Constructively

First and foremost, consider the timing. You do not need to rush into battle immediately. Most situations do not require immediate handling; proper timing can be the key to a successful discussion.

When that inkling comes up, that little “uh oh” feeling, whether I’m in a meeting or alone at my desk reading through emails, I need to stop and consider the motivation behind that feeling.

Think about what’s driving you to feel this conflict. If it’s a negative driver, slow way down and do some digging to understand why. Why do you think this way? Try to understand if your feelings are valid.

And even if your feelings are positively motivated (I want my team to be successful) how does this concern or speaking up in this area help them to be successful?

Introspection and self-awareness are key before you dip your toe in these waters.

While looking at your motivation, check for your ego. Be sure that it’s not in the way of you seeing the situation clearly. Throughout this process, you may need to continually check your ego.

If you’re making a claim, do the facts support you? What does the solicitation say or a past proposal or perhaps a subject matter expert (SME)? Do some digging first to make sure you fully understand the situation. You may even realize your concerns are invalid by doing your due diligence.

Have you heard others voice similar concerns, or do you have a trusted colleague with whom you can discuss your concerns? Do they share similar concerns? In no circumstances do I recommend gossiping in the workplace. Having a mentor, manager, or peer to discuss concerns with can be mentally healthy. A third party can help better understand specific concerns as well as brainstorm and problem-solve ideas for resolving issues.

Next, prepare what you want to say, but also prepare yourself to not be heard the first time. If I had a dollar for every time I was ignored, I would be independently wealthy.

When I was teaching myself how to be a manager, I found a podcast that helped me a lot. One of the things that stuck with me was to always try to be strong, calm, and kind in all situations. I try to be all three or at least as many of the three as possible in a given situation. Even if I could only be one of them, I held on to that one.

Understand that even if you did your research well, there could be information you missed or didn’t have. You could be wrong. (Where's that ego?)

Also, you could be correct but the business is making a different decision for a strategic reason. It’s possible you’re looking at the trees and missing the forest.

If you’re correct and point out something others were missing, and they go with your solution and decide you’re the best hire ever, don’t gloat! Instead, be prepared to help implement whatever solution you pointed out. Roll up your sleeves and get ready to work!

No matter the outcome, think about what you learned, how you felt, and how you can leverage the process in the future.

Communication Strategies

Different people react to different communication styles – I’m straightforward and to the point. That doesn’t work with everyone and can be off-putting to many. I learned as a manager to tailor my communication style, especially when giving feedback.

Someone once told me that I only focus on the negatives in their work but, for me, what was done well didn’t need to be addressed. Since then, I make it a point to comment on what’s done well and areas for improvement.

At the same time, when someone gives me positive feedback, I feel incredibly uncomfortable. However, I prefer when they focus on areas for improvement because then I know how to plan and organize what to do next.

We’re all different, and we need to be aware of that when we’re embarking on a difficult conversation.

While it’s important to be aware of your ego, it’s perhaps equally or even more important to be aware of the other person’s ego. And while this may not make you feel good to hear, or you may ask why, consider the job we’re in.

We’re in BD, Capture and Proposals. We’re sales professionals. Our business is winning business. Our work boils down to persuasion. Persuasion has a lot to do with connecting within someone’s ego; their ego is their sense of self.

If you want to mitigate a conflict or manage a difficult conversation successfully, you have to understand not only who that person is but how they think of themselves and be able to connect with them so that you can successfully be heard.

If you’re not willing to do that, you’re not willing to be successful. If your thought process is, I should be able to say it like it is, well, you’re likely not going to have much success.

None of this means that you’re not true to yourself. That’s the usual counterargument to this approach. But if we go back to my mantra of always being kind, calm, and strong, this is a part of kindness.

When I have a concern or conflict, considering their perspective and feelings is kindness, and that is 100% true to who I am—and hopefully, true to all of you as well.

Finally, have a support network if you need one. Depending on the conversation, you might want someone there with you during the conversation or have someone available for an immediate debrief.

Having a manager, peer, or mentor to bounce ideas and strategies off of before the conversation is also a benefit.

We’ve discussed situational awareness (or vision, if you will) and some strategies. So we can move into specific tactics.

Of course, everyone’s outcomes will be different for every situation. The rules of engagement vary, and we determine our own metrics of success. But I really like the following graphic, which highlights the process and shows us how to work through this particular scenario—and really any initiative we’re working on.

There are several types of conversations and best practices to use for navigating difficult conversations. The following table also highlights pitfalls to avoid and focus areas.

When to Walk Away

While it’s important to stand up for yourself and the bid, especially if it could mean the difference between a successful or losing bid, there are some times when it may be more appropriate to walk away.

When you try to speak up, no matter how constructive you are, no matter how positive your message, or how focused you are on the success of your team or department, you continue to speak to a wall—you may need to let go of the conflict and make peace with the situation.

Pay attention to nuance in these situations—if you’re speaking to a sympathetic boss, but there simply isn’t funding to address a problem that is different from a boss who dismisses legitimate concerns out of hand.

Similar to an unchangeable situation, perhaps there’s another situation where raising your concerns will only achieve a negative result. If there is no benefit, or if the problem doesn’t change, and it might seem like you’re only challenging a situation for the sake of challenging a situation, then don’t.

In toxic situations, making peace is likely beyond what is reasonable to ask of someone, and you may need to consider completely walking away from the problem if you can.

It’s not always easy to stand up to opposing voices.

Be self-aware, trust yourself and your instincts.

Learn from every situation and use each situation to grow and become better.

Thank you for letting me share my experience with you. I’m happy to connect and I’m more than willing to answer questions or talk through ideas.

Be well & happy bidding!

Anatalia Macik