Letting Go for a Stronger Self

For years, I treated myself like a pack-mule. I carried as much as I could whenever I could. Why make two trips in the snow and on ice to get the groceries in the car, especially when it was below zero at least half the year? Why wait to get my undergraduate when I could do it with my three-year-old, while working multiple jobs, and going through a four-year custody battle – over 3,000 miles away from just about everyone I knew. When I was 22, I looked at this picture and said – yes! I can do it all! And I did but I kind of wish I didn’t, to be honest.

I probably would still be carrying a million things if I was just an iota more obstinate and a little less drawn to feeling better. And, if I hadn’t let go of quite a few unhelpful thoughts and behaviors to create the space for a stronger me to grow.

We all have mountains to climb and make choices that change us along the way – even if that choice is not to change. Resisting change is likely to feel very different at first than it does after 20 years. I have faith that most people do change over time, through whatever visible or invisible processes that work for them. We often can’t see the change in people –showing change is a vulnerable thing, even if it is positive. And not everyone is looking beyond their own fears and desires to see change in others.

The first wellness wheel was created by Dr. Bill Hettler in 1976; environmental and financial were added later. Many wellness wheel models exist, including cultural understandings like the one I was raised in -- the I?upiaq Learning Framework. ?

My self, like your self, can be mapped onto a wellness wheel. If you are in balance in these areas, your life should flow well. It’s overwhelming to think about letting go in all areas of your life. Breaking our selves down into these categories can help us assess what works and what doesn’t to let go and feel stronger.

These are some of the ways I’ve let go and created what I needed to feel stronger. I offer these perspectives and stories as hooks to hang your own. I respect your journey too much to tell you what’s best for you – only you know that. My hope is that these insights are useful to you, that’s all.

If you enjoy doing inner-work to feel better and want some guided support, I got you!Check out Letting Go for a Stronger You: An At Home Wellness retreat on our YouTube Channel: @Creative_Decolonization . The retreat is broken up into 20–30-minute chunks so you can work through it as you have time. It’s on our YouTube channel, Creative Decolonization for you to relax into anytime.

Environmental

“Every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home.” — Matsuo Bashō, Japanese poet

I left home for the last time in 2009. Home has always been hard for me. I grew up with PTSD, major depression, anxiety, and suicidal tendencies from years of hidden sexual abuse from uncles, cousins and others. I don’t know who all abused me because, like way too many other people in the world, I was drugged a few times and don’t remember things or people coherently.

I let go of home as a place I visited and started creating space to build the home I needed in myself in 2015. Once I did this, the stress and fear associated with going home began to dissipate. I thought I’d work at home or with home for the rest of my life. It was and continues to be a loss. Yet, with loss comes the opportunity to grow something new. So, I have.

Home is walking barefoot on the warm, maroon earth of the high desert, feeling connected to the spirit in the rock beneath me.

Home is listening to the quiet in-between crashes of the cold, gray waves onto the rocky North shore.

Home is cross-country skiing on fresh, sparkling snow without a soul in sight.

Home is in the gentle stretch of my heart as I make space for something new.

Emotional

Sacrifice is a big part of parenting. It can feel like burning a forest to keep it healthy, which is one way I see the divorce I went through in my early twenties. I was married during a shotgun wedding at 18 and sought a divorce shortly after my son’s first birthday. I looked into what his future could be and didn’t want him to think the unhealthy relationship his father and I had was what he should strive for. After five years of shared custody between New Hampshire, where I was getting my undergraduate degree, and Alaska, we decided on something better for him. Our son would spend 2nd through 5th grades with his father and their growing family in Texas, and middle school with me. High School would be up to him. I hated the thought of him being away from me during the school year so I did all I could to not be away from him, save moving to Texas.

I designed my life during this time to maximize time with and for him. I visited him as often as I could throughout the school year which some years was every month in the fall or spring. I was the first voice he heard in the morning (literally, still in bed) and made sure to ask him about school every afternoon. I knew what he ate every day, when he was sick, who his teachers were and his friends’ names and temperaments. Being connected to him as much as I could be was a salve for the persistent pain I felt being away from him.

When I was away from him, I faced and let go of all kinds of irrational fears about his safety, health, spirit, and everything else. I let myself feel the soul-wrenching sadness a parent can feel when away from their child or children, however often it came. In the space left behind, I allowed the faith that my son was healthy and safe to enter in; that he was not just protected and cared for by me. He had a whole community of people in Texas and Alaska who knew and loved him.

This helped when he decided in 6th grade that DC, where I was living, was too much for him. I had spent years setting myself up for him. I moved from New Hampshire to Boston after college and then to DC and into a great, financially stable job. My brother lived in DC which was the closest family I had in the states. I snagged the perfect apartment in a suburb with a great public education system two years before he was supposed to move -- to give myself enough time to settle in and get to know all the healthy and educational spaces in the area. I saw us exploring new land, learning new histories, eating food from around the world and doing things he would never hear about in Texas.

But he didn’t see it that way, he was miserable. He wanted to be in a rural place with his many brothers. I got that. I grew up in a rural place with lots of siblings. I could have forced him to stay for "my time" but I didn't. It broke my heart like a wrecking ball slamming into a glass house to let him go. This was and still is the biggest sacrifice I’ve ever made and biggest heartbreak I've ever felt in my life.

But it’s not just heartbreak anymore. Because we don’t see each other every day or even every week, we have a really good and close talking relationship. He’s not naturally a chatter like me but will spend an hour often talking to me about everything and nothing. I’m in Texas so often that I’ve become a new part of his Texas family over the years. I’m not a Kennedy anymore but I have a place with his father’s family. In truth, I have never left him and never will -- no matter how far the physical distance between us. He’s almost an adult and has thanked me already for what I’ve sacrificed for him to grow up in an environment he chose.

Physical

Over 20% of people in the US have some form of arthritis – crazy fact, right? And not all of them are elders. I’m one of the lucky 5% under 45 who live with arthritis. Just jokes (<< Alaskan slang).

For thirty years, I was usually one of the strongest people in the room. I was a runner, hot yoga lover and very healthy eater. Most people thought I was a vegetarian but I’m I?uit and no I?uit I know says no to Arctic meat. I grew up on whale, walrus, seal, caribou, fish, Swedish meatballs and the occasional pizza. Sure, turkey for Thanksgiving and all that. As an adult in the lower ’48, I was mostly a pescatarian.

I was legit healthy until bam! Within two years of getting symptoms for Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) and other inflammatory illnesses, I couldn’t walk without hobbling from pain. I had been running 20 - 30 miles a week. Running was one of three things that kept me balanced. I couldn’t hold my hairbrush – my wrists and fingers felt like they were filled with knives when I tried to use them. My future husband came over at 5am to help me get dressed, shower and make breakfast during that time. I am still deeply grateful for this sweet and loving kindness.?

It took me a few years to let go of the body I used to have. I didn’t want to! I was afraid of so many things. What if letting go of doing more turned out to be a slippery slope? I had read that 60% of RA patients were unable to work 10 years after diagnosis. I had worked 2-3 jobs regularly from the age of 12 until my diagnosis so that statistic really haunted me.

But I did let go and when I did, the feelings of being deficient because my body didn’t work how it used to, left too. Sure, I still get frustrated, but I don’t expect things of myself that I can’t do without a lot of pain. I don't run anymore but I hike and walk which gives me what I need to feel balanced. It's different than the running high I used to get, but so am I.

And guess what? Seven years post diagnoses, I am damn strong (again) because I don't overload my body or bandwidth. Workwise, I am running my own small cultural and creative business that fits the schedule I need to be healthy. The fear I felt was big then but now looks small. I feel strong and capable -- inflammation or not.

Professional

"Balance is not better time management, but better boundary management. Balance means making choices and enjoying those choices." – Betsy Jacobson

This quote came to life for me in a fast and intense way. After my body changed, I tried for two years to work as I had before – hard, long and with lots of energy. I was working for NASA at the time in a fast-paced environment. My supervisors were incredibly understanding and wanted me to stay but I felt I had to choose – less pain or full-time work.

So, I let go of working full-time for organizations like NASA, nonprofits, social services, and education because I didn’t have the physical bandwidth. The work I’d seen myself doing in high school and college was in a different body. I physically couldn’t do it. This was a big blow. I’d been working with communities like this for over a decade and was building a career.

Facing decades of working part-time or, in the worst-case scenario, not at all, I felt defeated. I’d never thought working multiple jobs if I needed to, long hours, or on my feet, would be something I’d have to let go. I was scared. I thought, what if a day comes where I can’t support myself – would I be living on the streets in my 60s unable to walk or use my wrists?

I did what I do when I am facing something I’m afraid of – I give myself time and space to see it in a gentle way. Sometimes it takes months, or even years. It’s worth it though. Seeing it with self-compassion allows me to learn from it to get past it. This allows me to see and empower all I could do, not what I couldn’t.

I could start a small part-time business. I took the ideas I had for creating a cultural wellness nonprofit and built the first iteration of Creative Decolonization in 2017. Six years later, I am grateful I gave up what I had to because I love the work I do now. It has its challenges, but I can meet those challenges in a way that works for me today, not ten years ago.

Financial

The first serious partner I had after my divorce was from a wealthy family in Colorado. I didn’t know this because I met him at home in Alaska and we were anti-consumer, energy-saving hippies who lived very frugally. I went with him for Christmas one year and was surprised by my reaction. I felt very uncomfortable in his parent’s beautiful, expensive home. When he opened his Christmas present from his grandmother, it was a check for $10K. Later, in his room, I cried. I understand that people can and should give things like money to people they love. And I felt such injustice in my heart, thinking about how easily 10k was handed off when there are so many families living in cars or worse. I don’t think having money means you made good choices or being penniless means it’s your fault. Money was a confusing, frustrating, and sad thing for me.

When I started my small business, I had to face this weird confusing money sadness and anger. I contracted Katherine Pomerantz, the Bookkeeping Artist, to teach and advise me in money matters. She did so much more. Through working with her Chaos Money framework, I realized that I was afraid of money. I was raised with little money and taught that you either love money or are a real I?upiaq. You can’t do both. I still believe this and don’t love money. But I don’t hate it or fear it either. I can see money as my teammate, as Katherine taught me. I still worry about my income but after I face it and let it go, I can dive into the work I have in front of me and keep hustling.

Spiritual

I grew up hearing real stories from my dad about shapeshifters, 10-foot polar bears and animal-people before going to bed. Sundays, I sat in a pew at the Presbyterian church with my mom or my best friend’s family. It wasn’t until high school that I realized these two sets of beliefs are usually not seen in the same person. People chose, sometimes defiantly, one or the other.

By, 15 I’d been suicidal a decade and was desperately searching for spiritual relief. So, I tried them all! I went to the Mormon, Baptist, Assembly of God, Cornerstone and Catholic churches at home. I felt and still feel who I know to be God in my heart but had trouble finding it in churches.

In my twenties I was drawn to Zen Buddhism. I developed a spiritual practice in emptying the form I’m in to invite space and awareness that I still rely on today. It’s easy for me to feel connected to God in a zendo, I think it’s because it is a space to silently focus inward to let go. When I let go, God can come in.

I was quiet about one or more aspects of my faith depending on who I was with for years. I rejected Christianity for a while because some of the writing in Bible pissed me off. I couldn’t explain those parts but felt connected to other parts. I thought people would have questions about how these seemingly contradictory beliefs live in harmony in me. I didn’t have faith in myself to communicate my answers well. I didn’t want to deal with any debates or judgments that might arise.

So, I recently let go of dealing with how other people respond to my multi-faith beliefs. Since doing that, I got the best answer to any skeptical or judgmental questions I may get about my faith: I don’t know, and I don’t need to know. Faith isn’t about knowing. I just am. And it feels good.

Intellectual

This is a small one but has had big impact. I manage ADHD and have trouble remembering things like names or details. I get things mixed up because my thoughts don’t feel like they are in separate compartments from which I can pull information. It’s more like an ocean with sudden changes in currents that bring random thoughts into focus when you don’t need them. Retrieving detailed information feels like trying to grab a bubble in the ocean.

So, I gave up trying. Some people may think this is rude but if my brain doesn’t work well in that area and doesn’t improve, I should move on. Now I don’t get that anxious, guilty feeling when I forget someone’s name or details. I am ok knowing that my brain works differently.

Social

People who knew me in my twenties probably wouldn’t recognize the social me today. I am a hermit in the making. I used to be the party-planner, dancing, karaoke friend. I’m grateful for that time in my life. Today, I don’t go to the grocery after 4p because there are too many people. I have a conversation quota meaning I won’t engage too many phone or Zoom calls a day.

I’m not a grinch, I protect my body and spirit, which are more impacted and affected by social engagement than they used to be. I used to engage passionately with others for hours but now, my chest can get inflamed if I get to heated so I cultivate a peaceful home.

I feel things in groups of people – energetic changes and emotions – which have become more intense as I deepen my inner-work healing journey. I get nauseous from the energy, especially if it’s rushed or angry. So, I stay away from crowds and large events. And I feel better.

There are as many ways to let go and create what you need to feel stronger as there are people. We are uniquely creative thinkers and doers, especially when it comes to stuff like this. What is something you let go of to become stronger? What did you fill that space with?

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Aaluk Edwardson (she/her, they as a spirit) is a multidisciplinary artist and multicultural educator who has worked with hundreds of individuals on their wellness journeys. She is the founder and director of a small, cultural and creative business, Creative Decolonization . She graduated from Dartmouth College with a modified degree in Sociology and Theater with a focus on using performance as a healing medium. She also has a minor in Environmental Studies with a focus on Earth's cold regions. She has been trained by dozens of organizations and people including Seeking Equity and Educational Diversity, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and the Alaska Humanities Forum. She has published poetry, written for TV and the stage, and is currently working on two children’s books and a novel. She has been acting on stage for over 30 years and has performed on stages in Alaska, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and New Mexico. Aaluk would love to work with you individually or with your community. Contact her directly at [email protected] .

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