Letting Go of Control Makes Change (and Life) So Much Easier

(Part Two in a Five-Part Series)

In my previous post on the topic of change, we talked about how so many of us perceive our transition through change as hard.?I acknowledged that the “not knowing” is uncomfortable, and sitting with that discomfort takes trust and courage.?I know that because I just lived it for 18 months as I led the sale of our company to a large professional organization and then stayed to ensure a successful integration into its forever home. There was so much uncertainty about the future – not only mine, but the future of my executive team and the entire staff -- that it was both a very exciting and very scary time.

Thankfully, within 30 days after the close of the sale, I shared a dinner and a bottle of champagne with one of my favorite humans, the very wise and generous Coach Marshall Goldsmith. He has been recognized as the world’s #1 CEO Coach and has worked with countless CEOs running companies far larger than the one I was leaving. He has seen the acquisition process play out time and time again, and he gave me the words I needed to hear at that moment:

He raised a glass to toast the successful sale and said with a smile, “Okay, Jennifer. I want you to repeat these words after me…are you ready?”

I was, and I nodded in anticipation, unsure what to expect.

“I am no longer in control.”

He continued, “Now you say it.”

It felt silly, yet liberating, to surrender and claim that phrase as my own. As CEO, I still had a Board to answer to, but I had plenty of autonomy. With the transition, I needed to acknowledge the significant change in control and let go, which brought a certain degree of freedom. As I processed the loss of some wonderful things about my prior role, team, and organization, I could also welcome new learning experiences—like sitting on a new executive team and becoming a better thought leader and speaker with the book launch—while working to clarify and assess the opportunities that might be possible both inside and outside the combined organization.

I didn’t let go all at once. It came in fits and starts, and I found I was resistant sometimes. But Marshall’s mantra stuck with me every time I felt myself trying to “hang on” to the illusion of control.

So how do we begin to let go of control? A few tips: ?

??Look for where things are happening naturally.?There will inevitably be areas where things are unfolding with ease versus areas where it feels like you are forcing things to happen. The right opportunities are those where you don’t have to push too hard, where you are naturally pulled to where you are meant to land. The job search that resulted in my new Catalyst CEO position is my latest example; it happened quickly and naturally once we made the collective decision that I would no longer have a role with the acquiring organization. It wasn’t that I hadn’t looked at many opportunities across the previous 12 months, but I knew they weren’t right for me. Something was off about either the timing or the role or the organization – and I knew it deep down because things it felt hard. So, I recommitted again and again to sit in the “not knowing” as I gained clarity.

??Ask yourself:?where am I hanging on too tight??It’s often around an idea that life is supposed to be a certain way. A specific person (boss, partner, child, or friend) is supposed to behave how you want them to. You?must?have this job -- or house or achievement -- to be happy. Let go and breathe. Often when we release the expectations, the universe can create an even better outcome than you ever imagined.?

? Seek peace and comfort in the transition.? Even if you don’t know what you want the future to hold, try to release the fear and trust in the process, knowing that clarity and opportunity will come. If this doesn’t work out, something better is destined for you. I had several signs that things were going to be okay when the company sold. Opportunities came my way three different times – right after the acquisition, then six months later, and then again when I agreed my role at the acquiring company was coming to an end. Across the course of a full year, while I was fully committed to the integration and had no plans to pursue other paths, I still listened for other opportunities: it gave me confidence and peace that they WERE out there when it was time.

? Don’t waste the space between opportunities.?Take advantage of the transition period. Don’t use it to worry and fret. Spend time with family and friends. Make changes you want to make. Start new habits. I’ve used the last several months to focus on my health and my family, even while engaging in the interview process and exploring alternatives. The flexibility has been freeing.

??Have some mantras for hard times.??It helps you to stay centered and keep your head in the right place. I returned again and again to my champagne toast with Marshall Goldsmith and repeated, “I am no longer in control.” As I sat in uncertainty across the course of a year, I repeated the mantra that both my mother and inspirational speaker, author and leader Magie Cook taught me: “If not this, then something better.” I haven’t fully mastered the art of letting go, but I continue to work on it. It helps me to reflect on Octavia Raheem’s poem “Invite in More Ease” from her book Gather. (Click here for a brief excerpt) Octavia graciously permitted me to include the poem in my book In Her Own Voice: A Woman’s Rise to CEO. In it, she asks, “What if we pushed less? Could we create more? Could we become greater?” In my heart of hearts, the answer is yes…and I am trying to let this deep belief ease my journey."