Letting Go on Angels Landing

Our son, Scott, pushed the button at the very last minute, midday on April 30th. He pushed the most important button of his life (so far), the button that committed him to go to the University of California in Berkeley. For many years Scott has been clear about what he has wanted to do. His love for Computer Science started when he taught himself several programming languages in middle school, and then came to an absolute boil last summer after his sophomore year in High School, when he attended Carnegie Mellon University. He took college courses in CS, math and physics and loved all aspects of being there, including venturing across all of Pittsburg using the free bus pass imbedded in his student ID. The experience was so profound that it prompted him to graduate High School a year early so that he could, in his words, “start the rest of his life”. Realizing that he still needed to discover his “other passion” (the intersecting subject area that he was going to apply his CS skills to), he chose Berkeley as the place where he was going to start that search.

 Shortly after signing up for his classes and viewing the incredibly small dorm rooms at Berkeley, Scott started to ruminate about what he was going to take with him, which eventually led to the discussion about HOW he was going to get the school with all of his “stuff”. Getting everything moved across country from Richmond, Virginia presented some unique challenges…and some unique opportunities. After careful consideration, Scott finally popped the question in mid-summer: “Hey Dad, how about we take a cross country driving road trip together, just the two of us? We can bring all of my stuff with us, visit a few National Parks along the way and do some hiking.” Being a parent who has been actively ignored by their teen-ager for many years, this question is absolutely golden, and not one that you say no to.

 I am not sure how we fit all of those boxes, hanging clothes and road trip food supplies in my car (as well as my old “vintage” bicycle strapped to my trunk), but we did, and the tearful goodbyes escorted us out of our driveway on August 12th as we started our most excellent adventure. To the absolute disbelief of Jeana and others, we had no plans, no hotel reservations …no agenda. For the next ten days we were just going to drive generally west, and ask the question every night over dinner, “what do you want to see tomorrow?” Scott had done a fair bit of research and generally knew what parks he wanted to see the most, but had no real appreciation for the driving distances and the vastness of the wilderness we were going to experience. So, as we were leaving the Commonwealth of Virginia on Route 64W, we decided that the first stop was going to be the Badlands National Park in South Dakota…..and away we went.

 All in all we visited 12 National Parks in 10 days and hiked 100+ miles. Yellowstone, Yosemite and Grand Teton were clearly must do’s…but Craters of the Moon, Cedar Breaks and Death Valley were last minute wildcards that proved to be fabulous. However, the one park…in the fact the one hike that Scott talked about numerous times along the way was Angels Landing in Zion National Park. He said it was an aggressive hike, but one that we just had to do. He had done a ton of research on it and found it the most highly rated…he touched on the notion that it my test my fear of heights, but I assured him I would power through it and that I was all in.

 The night before we were to enter Zion NP, I decided to do a little more research on this “awesome hike”. According to the National Park Service, "The route to Angels Landing involves travel along a steep, narrow ridge with support chains anchored intermittently along the route. Footing can be slippery even when the rock is dry. Unevenly surfaced steps are cut into the rock with major cliff drop-offs adjacent. Keep off when it is wet, icy or thunderstorms are in the area. Plan to be off before dark. Younger children should skip this trail; older children must be closely supervised.“ The National Park Service website officially recognizes five fatalities where suspicious activity was not involved along Angels Landing, however other deaths have been reported. Yikers!!

Still being 100% dedicated to overcoming my fear of heights, we started to trek up the mountain. After two hours of intense effort powered by multiple bottles of water, we hit Walter's Wiggles, a series of 21 steep switchbacks. After that the trail got even more strenuous and was littered with sharp drop offs and narrow paths, with chains to grip provided for portions of this last hurdle before hitting a panoramic ledge with incredible views. Thinking that we had made it to Angels Landing, I proceeded to high-five Scott, take a few pictures and relieve myself of my 25 lb. backpack. Scott seemed happy to arrive, but not quite as elated as I was.

As you might have guessed, we actually had not arrived at Angels Landing at all, but rather at “Scout Lookout”. Scott adjusted my perspective by pointing virtually straight up to an adjacent towering peak. It was then that I noticed the somewhat Lord of the Rings-like narrow footpath with 1500 foot shear drop-offs on either side that went from Scout Lookout to what seemed like a completely vertical climb to the summit at 5,790 feet (1,760 m). For those of you with any degree of fear of heights, there is no more terrifying sight. For those of you without any fear of heights….well, you must all be completely mad not to be terrified!! I swallowed hard, began to sweat even more profusely and cried inside of myself as I realized that I was not going to be able to overcome my irrational fear ….actually, it still seems like a very reasonable instinctive self-preservation reaction to me, but be that as it may.

So, I had to admit to Scott, ..my son…, that I could not go any further, not because my legs could not carry me, but because I was genuinely afraid. For a moment I felt weak and vulnerable, but then felt a strange comfort in admitting this to him. I recalled times from his youth when he told me he was too afraid to do something, and I told him it was OK, that this happens to everyone. Well today, it happened to me. And it was Scott consoling me, telling me that we did not have to go any further…that it had been a terrific hike and the views were fabulous ….that we could just sit here, rest and grab something to eat.

While I appreciated his kind words and genuine caring, I completely rejected his proposal. You see it was in that moment that I realized that there were ventures in Scott’s life that I could not participate in… places where I could not travel, things that I could not do, and frankly….dreams that were not mine and that I should not be a part of. Most importantly, I realized that I should not, could not, impose my fears and pre-dispositions on him, limiting him in any way. I had to let go. Not the kind of letting go I did when I took my hand off the seat of his bicycle when he was first starting to learn how to ride when he was four years old. I had let go completely!!

And so I did. I took a few bags of nuts and I bottle of water for myself and gave the backpack to Scott. I patted him on the shoulder and wished him luck on his assent to the summit and told him I would meet him back under an ancient pine tree where I sought shelter from the sun. His words resisted momentarily, but his eyes were eager to climb and his will was undaunted. I sat under the magnificent tree watching Scott confidently traverse the perilous path. At first I was concerned for his safety and what might happen to him, but then the fear evaporated into the clouds above, signaling to me that it was no longer my job to worry …. I didn’t have a job any more ….I should merely be happy for him…and take joy in the life he was creating for himself.

Scott came down from Angels Landing looking different. He looked fulfilled, he looked confident, and he looked at peace. He showed me the photos he took from atop, and I delighted in the images that he created through his own perspective and altitude. We sat under the grand tree together sharing the moment and celebrating the magnificent nature that was all around us. I am not a particularly religious person, but do consider myself spiritual. Everyone once in a while, if I am really paying attention, I feel like I am being touched by something much larger than all of us combined. On top of Angels Landing (Scout Lookout to be more precise) I was touched in a profound way. And I was blessed to have Scott there by my side ….maybe he was touched as well.

Several days later, we moved Scott into his dorm at Berkeley. We unpacked his boxes, hung up his clothes, made his bed and hooked up his power strips. He checked out the coed bathrooms/showers, went to the bookstore for a few last items and got the key for the bicycle storage shed. He was all set, all ready to start his college journey. Before heading out, I offered to take him out to lunch. He guided us to a Chinese Bakery down the street that he had discovered during his very first “look-see” visit. He recommended a ham-filled puff pastry that he had before and we both decided to experiment on a delicious looking blueberry filled turnover. We took our food and sat on a bench under a shady tree near the Sather Gate at the campus’ southern entrance. Scott loved this landmark that led to the bridge over Strawberry Creek. This gate already felt completely familiar to him, as did the Campanile clock tower. You see, Scott finally made it to where he was meant to be ….. to where he chose to be…. he made it home.

When the time finally came to say goodbye to Scott, there were no tears, no fears, no concerns, no trouble in letting go. There was only joy. This was because I had already let Scott go on Angels Landing.