A Letter to the Women Behind the Armor

Disclaimer: While this letter is geared toward working women, this topic is insightful for men leading, managing, and peering with women in the workplace.??

?I believe that a new year brings the opportunity to rejoice. Instead of dwelling on all the things that I didn't do, should have done, or wanted to do better, I’m choosing to take a more optimistic approach that says, here are the things that have served me well. This is what I will be taking with me into the new year as I continue growing personally and professionally. Over the last several months, I have met many women in varying roles and levels through my business travel and have noticed a rise in women wearing their armor, as I call it. That need to justify your professional worth, expertise, credibility, status in the organization, as a way to confirm to the others in your professional circle that you are qualified to speak. That feeling that we get as working women when you don’t quite know where you fit or if you are being seen, valued, and appreciated.

I recognize this trait because I remember wearing it myself and I feel a responsibility to share how I got past it. I too, at times, struggle to separate the role I play from the person that I am. As you move from individual contributor to manager, leader, and executive, there’s a shift that begins to happen at work and at home. You have more demands, more responsibility, and ultimately, you just need to make more time in the day to mentor everyone and ensure that everything else is covered. What you are privy to is different from what you can share. Who you used to have lunch with or a drink with at the holiday party, while you'd still like to, feels a little different. It feels a little bit like you don't belong anymore, which is hard especially if you grew up with people at the company and considered them friends.?

Unconsciously Putting the Armor On

I will never forget the first professional development exercise I was asked to participate in as a young leader. My team who reported to me, those who peered with me, and those who I reported to all had an opportunity to fill out a survey about how I was doing. This survey was anonymous, which I equate to the difference between having a text message conversation that you wouldn't say to directly to someone’s face because a) it’s too brutally honest or b) you don’t have to put your feedback into context for the person on its receiving end.?

Let me paint the picture for you:

I was asked to go on a 3-day professional development retreat across the country. Though excited for the opportunity, I was also four months pregnant, sick all day, and coming off a miscarriage that few people knew about. The emotional baggage I was carrying and the impact it had on my physical state was something I was not prepared for. This experience was so impactful to me that I still have every survey and every ounce of feedback that was shared with me and about me.?

My manager was very supportive in their feedback and appreciative of my drive and willingness to learn. My team was also very positive in their assessment, saying I was approachable and collaborative. What was probably the most blindsiding were the comments I got from the peers I worked with every day.??

10?years later, I can reflect on this experience very differently than at the time.? ? I was the youngest female leader. And I was the youngest leader on the newly developed leadership team. So, I was in a full learning mode. Not that I didn't think I deserved the opportunity to be there, but I recognized this was an opportunity to grow as well. Perception, however, was not my reality. The feedback was not about the job, the work that I had done, or the opportunities I was bringing to the table.

It went along the lines of this:?

She thinks she’s better than everyone else.??

She only talks to certain people at certain times.??

She tries to do everything on her own and doesn’t welcome the opportunity to work with others.?

She has an inflated sense of self.?

She is too quick to make decisions.?

?And my favorite:?

?She thinks the world revolves around her.?

So, as you can imagine, there I am nearly?30, with tears streaming down my face in an uncontrollable, hormone-driven rage—which, to be fair, may have had the same impact to me personally regardless of being pregnant with my first child. I couldn’t help but feel personally attacked by the unnamed people that I was growing the business with; day in and day out. The facilitator and I spent our remaining time together going through every single comment—good, bad, and indifferent. Discussing: ?

• Is this a criticism or an opportunity? ?
• Can I learn and grow here? ?
• Is this a comment about the role that I play or the person that I am? ?
• Do I recognize this as someone’s opinion that may or may not have any real bearing on my role or on me as a person? ?

I have carried this exercise with me for over a decade. Because at the end of the day, there is a hard line between criticizing the person that you are and critiquing the role that you play.??

Criticism is mean. Critiques are meaningful.?

From this situation, I learned first-hand where the armor comes from. When you feel like you are being criticized as a person, the shield starts to form and it only gets thicker. It looks like “carrying your resume” with you to every conversation even though you have the job, want the job, and deserve the job. It looks like missing opportunities to grow with people because you don’t agree on the word, or approach, or idea. It becomes conversations like my job is so hard; I never get the credit; what I do is different; I am the most experienced. You begin to unintentionally alienate yourself from others. What’s worse, is sometimes the shield becomes so thick that a wall forms and the bridge is actually burned. It makes the role that you play infinitely harder; people can’t connect with you, don’t trust you, and sometimes refuse to work with you. YOU become the problem. So they go around you, behind you, or right over you. Then your character is under attack and you’re labeled hard to work with and the reality is: now, your colleagues?are right.?? ?

Steps to Shedding the Armor

This takes a long time to unpack, so my advice to those of you out there wearing your armor is this: Give. Yourself. A. Break.??

Then, repeat after me: "I cannot control how others act, I can only control how I react. This comment is about the role that I play, not the person that I am.” ?

Let’s commit in 2024 to take the pressure off and remember these words: You already have the job. Focus on what will encourage you to want to keep the job and remember that the only way to grow as a person and in your profession is through feedback—all kinds of feedback. And then, let’s watch how we comment about others. Criticism or Critique? We’d never say a man is “brash, difficult to work with, demanding, has an inflated sense of self, thinks the world revolves around them;” so let’s not say it about other women.?

You will begin to grow as you start to see every new conversation as an opportunity to learn something as opposed to prove something. Not every decision you make needs to be blessed, received, and embraced by everyone. As we move into this new year, let's work on rejoicing in exactly where we are right now, in all that we have accomplished, and watch as that armor begins to fall off. And remember, in those tough moments, be listening for the difference between I don’t like THAT, and I don’t like YOU. Oftentimes, it’s not really about you.

[ This was a hard one to write, but a lesson I feel so many of us have or will have to learn.? You've got this and I hope it helps.]