A letter to self - Lessons to a young coach

30 – it’s all a big joke until it happens to you!

It’s funny, when you’re a young man starting out in the wonderful world of football, the 30-year-old seems like a prehistoric creature from the Cretaceous period. Roaming the earth on the verge of collapse. Waiting to be surpassed by the youthful exuberance and audacious ambitions of the energetic and free-spirited young buck. “Sure, they may be experienced, but what about my bucket load of talent and enthusiasm?” At least, this was the sentiment I held at the time. How very na?ve I was. But I can’t lambast the musings of the young Jack Winter too much, after all, isn’t that the wonderful thing about being young; Living so presently, without limits and boundaries. All that bloomin’ “Joie de Vie.”

Why does that change as we grow older? Why do we get so anxious and fearful? Why do we shrink our ambitions to fit our newly formed pragmatic perspective as so-called “grown-ups”? Aren’t we the same person? We just have a few more rings on our proverbial tree stump, right? But we are different! We are supposed to be. If I stayed the same person as I was as an acne-ridden arrogant little twerp at 15, I would beat myself up. We change and adapt and grow because of the experiences in our life that teach us little lessons along the way.

The most unavoidable, and uncomfortable of life’s teachings are our mistakes…!

We live through them, do our very best to avoid them, and even repeat a few. We learn from most and figure out strategies and build skill sets to not put ourselves in the same position as “last time.” We know they are a part of life’s mysterious journey, but they’re awkward and sticky. They hurt our pride, damage our self-esteem and, worst of all, some even leave scars. Those ones can frequently come back to bite us. Posturing as well-intended behaviours, projecting our insecurities. Keep an eye out for these critters, they are imposters, cunning and self-justifying.

It is fair to say, I have made my fair share of mistakes over the years. In life, in my career, and enough personal gaffes to provide ample storylines for a Rom-Com trilogy. Alas, I will not burden you with the latter. This letter is my advice to my younger self. My testimony, if you will. I have been so fortunate in my work and the experiences that have accompanied my journey in the game that I felt obliged to share what I believe to be the 12 most important lessons I have learned along the way. For brevity, and quite frankly, your dwindling attention span (Yes, you, reading this), I will be breaking these letters up into three parts. Disclaimer; I am not self-prophesying wisdom here, nor saying that the following “12 lessons” are all there is to become a prodigious coach. I cringe at the time of writing this, as I think about all those management/leadership books claiming to “help you become a better leader” with 7 steps or 9-character traits! This is not an attempt at selling the reader anything. Merely a contemplative 29-year-old coach creeping towards 30, giving his younger self a poke in the right direction. My ultimate goal is to help. Assist those starting out in the industry so that they may lead and serve those under their mentorship without repeating my mistakes. Generous, I know.

I also believe that the following “Lessons” I speak about are very transferable to almost any walk of life. After all, my job is just that, to teach. I just so happen to be using the vessel of competitive sport to help me deliver the message. Be my guest, if you aren’t a coach and would like to apply these lessons to your life. Right, I do believe I have covered all of my defensive fragilities from the Twittersphere critics, so let’s begin.

(Footnote; I ended my playing career at 22 to begin my coaching career. After many highs and just as many lows, these are my reflections)

Lessons 1-4

1) Be curious, not judgmental;

This will very likely be the most frustrating retrospective sentiment you hold when you get to my age (Jack-29, is now speaking to Jack-22). News flash; you do NOT know everything there is to know about the game. Nor should you judge those who may not have experienced the things you have in your career. And you definitely shouldn’t build a wall of insecurity to guard yourself against feelings of “exposure” against those who have achieved more. You are in this position through hard work, ability and a stroke of good fortune. There is absolutely no need to judge others. Be inquisitive about everything. Read, learn, and be kind often. Be generous with your time too. That thing you didn’t want to do in the community that seemed “arduous,” may change some young person's life. Do it all. Experience it all. If people see this curiosity and openness as disingenuous, let them. Other people’s opinions do not matter. When those feelings of superiority or pride try to sneak into your little confidence locker room with their glistening abs and flexing biceps, lock the door and humble yourself. They are enemies of the state. They may temporarily make you feel warm and fuzzy, but they will not help you grow. Remember the end goal here. The more you know, the better you will be at helping others. Be curious, young man.

Oh, and one more thing. Monitor your time spent on social media. This incessant need to compare yourself with others will only bring you dissatisfaction and schadenfreude. This is your journey. No one else.

2) Don’t use todays wisdom to scrutinize yesterday’s decisions;

You did not know then what you know now. This little life lesson will keep you up at night. Especially you, with that big ol’ soft gooey center of yours. The position you hold requires you to make big decisions each day. You are responsible for 35 young men and a coaching staff. You will often find yourself in difficult situations, and your decisions won’t always be easy. Some may leave you with a lasting feeling of guilt, others with a deep sense of pride. Very frequently, you will have to make decisions quickly with only limited information at hand. This is part of the job. My advice to you is this; Create a core set of human-centered values and beliefs, and make every decision in alignment with those principles. Choose 5, and think deeply about them (not 10 – too many, not 2 – not substantive enough). Think about them when you wake up and hold yourself accountable during the day. Be honest with yourself when you lay down at night and put your day up for review. Every man must have his own core principles which serve as his moral compass. These values will make up your character one day. Sooner or later, others under your direction will attempt to mimic these values. Such is the nature of leadership.

Understand the influence of heuristics and bias in decision-making. How you feel in that moment, what happened that day, and what information you have will all play a role. Be acutely aware of these "influencing factors" at all times.

3) It is about the players…that’s it;

Everyone is trying to do the same thing. We all want control, so we seek the fruit hanging lowest to gain some semblance of command over the outcome. Unfortunately, sport, and team sport, is very complex. Don’t fall into the quantifiable “marginal gains” wormhole. In the coaching world, we naturally become masters of environmental regulation. We believe (speaking for myself here) that if we can control the aggregation of marginal gains in areas such as injury prevention, data analysis, nutrition, hydration, sleep, training load, conditioning, tactical models and scouting, etc…that improvements in performance are awaiting us on the horizon. Of course, they are VERY important. The point of this is not to deter you from monitoring the margins. You must keep a diligent eye on them at all times. But don’t spend ALL of your time there and neglect what matters most. I request you never lose sight of the most important aspect of elite sport performance. The players themselves! Treat them well, Jack. Be impeccable with your word, honest, humble, generous with your time, and know when to stretch and support them. How you make them feel, how prepared they are, and how much they know you care. These are the things that make the biggest difference in performance. It’s easy to find yourself adrift in the self-aggrandizing culture of collegiate coaching. When things go well, you will be praised for your genius. You may even start believing the hype. Conversely, when things go badly, you will be judged and even questioned in your capacity. This game is unpredictable and unforgiving. Do not get wrapped up in the wins and the losses, and let them define your value. The best coach in the world with the greatest game plan can still lose 7-0. It is about the players; they are the gladiators in the arena. Your job is to prepare them, send them into battle, and help them recover for the next one. It will be your relationship with these young men that you/they will remember for the rest of your/their life, not the wins and not the losses. The moments “in between.” Everyone is doing the same thing. We are all trying to win as many games as possible by maximizing those incremental advantages in performance that we can control. Make your focus, more on the human being than anything else. Help them believe in their own dreams, and accompany them on the journey. A team that believes in themselves and one another can achieve anything.

Become an expert on human beings, not just human performance.

4) Know Thyself;

A good friend once told me, “Jack, ensure you are practising the messages you preach. You may be the only Bible they ever read.” You, very graciously, receive the wonderful gift of your very own spiritual mentor. Lucky you (Jack still speaking to Jack, stay with me). If you are to remember one lesson in this initial letter, let it be this; the embodiment of your leadership through consistent and virtuous behaviours will define your influence. You are teaching life through sport. Use each moment you can to help these young men become better prepared for the life they are about to embark upon. Help them become better fathers, better husbands, and better human beings. But be mindful, your words will fall on deaf ears if you don’t live according to the values you fervently defend. You have seen and witnessed the hypocritical cogitations of the insecure and unbalanced leader. Spouting wisdom, but living and acting very differently. You must work hardest of all to become a master of yourself first, before you can even begin to ask the young men under your leadership to do the same. Practice the principles of the Stoic philosophy. Create routines and habits that will keep you accountable for your own life, actions, reactions and emotional responses. Monitor, meditate, pray, journal and reflect. Become an avid observer of your affectations. Identify the little ticks and traits that you could do without. The ones that you know serve no beneficial purpose. Practice temperance, understanding, and kindness…often. Show them what it means to be courageous. Not machismo, real courage. The acknowledgement of fear, vulnerability, and willingness to proceed in their presence. You will not feel like presenting your best self-every day. Some days you will feel less than yourself. We cannot be 100% all the time, but we can choose to give the best of our 40%, on those “off” days. Don’t buy into the “100% everyday” culture adorning locker room walls everywhere. Allow them to be human so that they can develop the strength to display the fortitude necessary when times are tough. Hold them accountable to high standards, but maintain the same standards in your own life.

Teach courage over fear, and kindness over everything.

Good luck to you!

Jack