Taking Pride in My Disability

"Learning to take pride in your disability will transform your life forever."

Dear Tony,

You are one minute old. You are a healthy, cute baby with your whole life in front of you. You don’t recognise it just yet, but you have been given an amazing gift. You are born with missing fingers and thumb on your right hand, which will help to shape your values and identity throughout your life.

I want you to know that you will grow to be a creative, tenacious and fun-loving person that also finds intrinsic happiness from helping others.

One of your super strengths throughout life will be your empathy and compassion for others, but at times you’ll experience some difficulties in terms of self-acceptance and confidence to be your whole self – all of the time.

I want you to forgive yourself for these moments. It is all part of a learning curve and the only thing that you really need to accept is that you are enough.

"Always act with positive intent and try to stay curious."

Okay, so Tony - You’re now 4 years old?– look how big you’ve grown. You are an innocent little guy with a mischievous, cheeky smile that will get you out of trouble when you’re older. You’re at the playground with your family and some other children start to notice that you have a different hand to everyone else. They say things and ask questions about your hand. You’re not sure how to respond so you simply return a nice smile and ask if they want to play, which they do.

I want you to know that it’s okay for other children to be curious about your hand and how the world works. Always act with positive intent and try to stay curious. You are at your happiest when you’re learning and helping others.

"The importance of doing the right thing will be a theme later in your life."

You are now 8 years old.?You’re really into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Leonardo is your favourite. You want to be just like these guys as your hand looks just like theirs. They are funny and cool, and try to protect others with ninja moves. They also love pizza, and who doesn’t love pizza?

You’ve started to have operations on your hand to help you more in practical situations. Your hand is all in one right now and the idea is to split it down the middle so you can have more of a thumb and pincer type action.

You won’t remember too much of the operations themselves but love it afterwards as you get lots of Premier League Football stickers off your parents.

Later, you’re not long out of your latest cast, and you’re playing on the school yard and you see someone being bullied and they’re really upset. The bully is twice your size but your instinct takes over when you see that there are no grownups around. You become one with your inner Ninja Turtle and you step in and defend the person.

The last thing you want to do is to fight but you show courage even though you are nervous – everyone is standing around, watching and waiting. Thankfully, the bully backs down, but more importantly they don’t ever do it again. You are relieved but also proud that you did the right thing.

I want you to know that you created a core memory that day, and the importance of doing the right thing will be a theme later in your life.

"Although you don’t think it right now, you are enough."

Okay, so now you’re 10 years old, Tony,?and you’re already nearly taller than your Mam – but you’re still not that tall really – your Mam is tiny. Football is also your life right now.

You are doing great and winning lots of awards and trophies and your favourite player is Faustino Asprilla. You want to do tricks just like him and copy that amazing back flip when he scores his hat-trick against Barcelona. You have just scored 5 goals yourself in one match and you get scouted for Newcastle United to go for a Trial.

The trial comes around and it should be the most exciting day of your life, so far – but there’s a problem – you’ve recently become self-conscious about your hand and the team only wears short sleeved shirts. The stadium is full of people and everyone will see your hand. You don’t know anyone and the floodlights are blinding.

You try to play your normal game – but you’re anxious and quiet. You don’t ask for the ball and no one is passing to you. The game finishes and you leave the stadium before anyone has a chance to speak to you. You no longer think you’re good enough and your self-confidence hits an all-time low. You think about that night a lot in your teenage years and wonder, what if?

You’ve become very self-aware all of a sudden and very sensitive to other people’s thoughts and feelings, as well as your own hand difference. You start to actively hide your hand for the first time to minimise any negative comments that you think you might get.

There are a lot of people picking fights with you around this time and you instinctively decide to run away from home one day when things aren’t going well. It’s only by small chance that your Dad finds you, and you often wonder after that event, ‘What if he didn’t?’ This is not the end of the episode as you also ask your Mam if you can cut it off, before trying to yourself.

I want you to know that although you don’t think it right now, you are enough, Tony. At this stage, you know you are a part of?REACH, and you read each page of every magazine, but you’ve never met anyone like you and have yet to experience a sense of belonging.

The good news is that this feeling does change, but it takes you until you are nearly thirty when you volunteer to be a mentor at a REACH Activity Week. You recognise the benefit of attending these types of events in creating a sense of belonging, and also find it so rewarding to see the development of the kids that you’ve mentored over the years. It becomes one of your happiest memories. If you had your time again you would beg your parents to take you to one of the camps or an AGM when you were younger.

"You have started to worry too much about what others think."

Tony – you are 13 years old – a teenager – yikes!?You try out for the school basketball team and are successful. You’re not there just to make up the numbers either as you are pretty decent – you’re a one-handed Michael Jordan and you’ve just helped the school team win a tournament – but, more importantly, you really enjoy it.

However, a year later you make a rash decision to leave the team suddenly and never play again. The girl that you really liked had just joined the team and you now think that you are not good enough – and, you didn’t want her to see your hand. You’re embarrassed.

This coincides with the most embarrassing moment of your early life, when you are asked to go up on stage in front of 100 people at a theme park for an experiment, as part of a reward for doing well in school. You physically can’t do what is being asked of you because of your hand. You drop everything and the loud noise you hear is not only the equipment crashing down on the stage, it’s the laughter from the audience and the feeling of shame you’re drowning in as you swim back to your seat.

Little did you know, Tony, the girl already knew about your hand and part of the reason she joined the team was because you were on it. Nobody meant to embarrass you on stage either. You have started to worry too much about what others think and trying to fit in.

I want you to know that you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You go on to have an amazing family. You find a loving partner that likes you for everything that you are and you have two beautiful kids who are both adorable, and they also have your mischievous sense of humour. Learning to fit in is also a life-long lesson.

Part of you thinks that you were born to never fit in to any of the usual stereotypes and you quite like that. It’s a shame that you never became the next Michael Jordan though.

"You don’t have one single dance with your prom date."

School’s nearly over, Tony, and prom has arrived! How are you 16 already? Three girls want to be your prom date – you have no idea why but you are one lucky lad – so what is the problem? You’re worried about the dance – about holding hands. You get suited and booted – it’s the most uncomfortable you’ve ever been in your life – and you arrive in the limousine with your prom date and friends. You’re nervous.

You know that it’s time to dance soon so you totally avoid it. You used to love to dance once upon a time – you even won a Michael Jackson dancing competition when you were five. Instead, you mess about with your friends and you don’t have one single dance with your prom date. You look back on that afterwards and feel bad about it.

I want you to know that it’s okay that you didn’t dance. Most of the other lads didn’t either when you think about it, but, just so you know, your prom date would have danced with you anyway… even though you had two left feet.

"Things do work out for you throughout your life."

Okay, so now you’ve reached the age of 18.?You’ve survived Secondary School but are experiencing a few challenges in the next phase of your life. You’ve went from being near the top of the class and taking your exams a year early, achieving 13 GCSEs, and also being on all the sports teams like Football, Tennis, Basketball and Cross Country, to barely turning up for College.

You decide that going to parties is far more interesting and instead of turning up for class, you’d rather play football in the common room with your mates. Unsurprisingly, you don't do well in your A-Level exams. Afterwards, you put it down to your parent’s divorce two years earlier, and not dealing with it. It feels like two years lost. Eventually, you recognise that it was?you?who made the decisions not to attend college, and that?you?needed to take accountability for your own actions.

Learning to take accountability for your own actions is one of the best things you ever do. Later in life, you reflect on this learning curve with a lot of positivity. Those friends are still your core group of friends 20 years later.

You go on to achieve a First-Class Honours Degree in Leadership and Management by going back into studying a few years later when you’re more mature. You go on to be promoted through six grades into Senior Leadership roles and eventually find your place of happiness working for Macmillan Cancer Support. Not only that, but they teach you how to become the best version of yourself, all of the time.

I know it’s hard to recognise it at an early age, but things do work out for you throughout your life... and, if they haven’t worked out for you yet, it’s simply because it’s not the end.

"I am so proud of the person that you are."

And here we are... You continue to search for happiness and fulfilment, and you have just completed a transformational 100-day personal challenge that has changed your life forever.

You've stretched your boundaries physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

More than you ever thought possible.

After hiding your hand for over 20 years, you’ve taken pride in showing your disability on a Sky Dive, completing a Mighty Hike across the Lake District, running the Great North 10k, learning to swim, and talking about your Limb Difference on a Podcast, at a Book Launch, and in front of 600 people across Macmillan.

I want you to know, Tony, that I am so proud of the person that you are, and remember, no matter what happens, you are – and always will be – enough.