A Letter to My Co-Workers: I Don’t Hate You, I’m Just Anxious

Thursday, May 11, 2023 | by MedCircle

Dear Co-worker,

I know you’re wondering what my deal is. I sense it in the way you ask me what’s wrong or try to connect with me on a deeper level. I know I sometimes come across as guarded or even cold. Here are some of the various reasons I might be acting this way, all of which have to do with my own anxiety struggles and fears.?

I Have Imposter Syndrome

I’m constantly afraid people will discover that I’m a fraud. I don’t feel nearly as competent as I think I should. I’m worried that other people can do my job more effectively than me. Sometimes, I worry that I’m just making everything worse.

Even if I have insight into my anxiety, that doesn’t make me feel better. Sometimes, it actually makes me feel worse! I know my job is important, so I want to do it well, and I fear that making a mistake will result in catastrophic results.

I’m Anxious About Being the New Kid

I’m new here, and I don’t know the company culture all that well yet. I really want to make a good impression, but I don’t want to overstep anyone’s role. I’m worried I won’t fit in well here. It seems like everyone else has already made strong work connections, and I’m not sure where I belong just yet.

I have fears that I won’t be able to do this job successfully. Even if I know I’m qualified, I don’t feel that confidence just yet. I’m nervous that I will make a big mistake and everyone will be upset with me because of that.?

I Struggle With Confrontation

I dread receiving feedback. I worry about rejection, even when I know my fears are irrational. It’s scary to think about disappointing people. When conflict arises, I find myself feeling anxious and uncertain. I often disregard my own needs to make others feel better.?

I rarely initiate confrontation on my own. When I do have to share my unpopular opinion, I’m often second-guessing myself the entire time. I’m worried that people won’t like me. Whenever possible, it’s much easier to play it safe and avoid causing drama.?

At the same time, I know that passivity is a problem. Sometimes, I get anxious about that, too! I know companies value having strong and independent leaders, and I want to have those strengths.

I’m Dealing With Problems In My Personal Life

I know I need to keep my work life separate from what’s happening at home, but sometimes it’s hard. I’m worried about my kids. My partner is stressing me out. I’m waiting for the doctor to call me back, and I can’t stop thinking about those test results.

I know I need to focus, but I can’t help how I feel. I wish I could compartmentalize my emotions better. Sometimes I can do that successfully, but other times, I can’t.?

I appreciate you asking me what’s wrong. If I can’t open up about it, please know that it’s not about you. It’s a reflection of my own feelings or insecurity. It’s also sometimes due to not wanting to burden you with my issues.?

I Have Concentration Problems

My anxiety makes it hard to focus and pay attention. So, when I’m working, I’m really dedicated to working. I know that if I allow myself to chat with others, I’ll just get distracted. And that tends to make me feel more anxious or unproductive.

I promise I’ll loosen up once I finish my tasks. But for now, I just really need to buckle down and focus on my work. Otherwise, I’m going to procrastinate, avoid, or spend far too long on a particular project, and that won’t be conducive to anyone.

I Feel Uncomfortable With Gossip

I know you want to hear what I have to say about our coworker. But, to be completely honest, I don’t want to badmouth anyone in our workplace. I find it disrespectful, and I’m also worried that if you freely gossip about others, it probably means you gossip about me.

However, I may not be as direct in telling you about how I feel as I’d like to be. This is probably because I don’t want to hurt your feelings. I don’t want to make an uncomfortable conversation feel even more awkward.?

I’m Looking for a New Job (Or Am Quitting Really Soon)

I’m pulling away from you because I know I’m going to be leaving soon. And I don’t want to form strong attachments because we’ll have to say goodbye soon. I wish I could tell you what’s going on, but I can’t open up to you about this right now.?

This is an uncomfortable position to be in, but I know being transparent isn’t the best career move. I need to wait until everything feels more organized. So, if I’m coming across as distant lately, that’s what’s going on. It’ll make more sense soon.?

I Can’t Tell If You Like Me

I know that I sometimes come across as withdrawn or aloof. You might even think that I’m disconnected from work altogether. The truth is that I struggle with rejection. I worry about being liked, and I get anxious when I have the sense that others are judging me.

So, instead of trying to build a connection, I tend to pull away. I don’t want to get hurt, and I don’t want to hurt you, either. I just need a little more time. Please keep talking to me and inviting me to lunch or asking about how my day is going. I really do appreciate those small gestures, even if I still come across as quiet.?

I Feel Triggered By You (Even Though It’s Not Your Fault)

You’re not aware of it, but you remind me of someone from my past. I’m not even sure what’s going on, but I can tell there’s some trauma association. Maybe it’s based on how you look or act or talk to me. You’re not doing anything wrong, but you do act in ways that touch raw or unhealed parts of myself.

I know this requires my healing. You don’t need to change anything at all. And I’m not even entirely sure why I have the strong reactions that I do. But I’m just assuming that there’s this connection, and I know it’s making me feel anxious.

I Also Struggle With Depression

In addition to my anxiety, I also experience depression. So I sometimes have poor motivation, apathy, and pervasive sadness. This isn’t your problem, but it makes forming meaningful relationships hard. Even the smallest tasks can require immense effort. It’s quite exhausting, and I wish I didn’t have such a struggle.

When I’m experiencing both depression and anxiety at the same time, my mind is entirely preoccupied. I’m doing the best I can to do a good job. But because I’m so focused on just staying afloat, it’s hard to prioritize connections with others.

I’m Not Taking the Best Care of Myself?

My anxiety is sometimes so consuming that it makes self-care feel downright impossible. I know what I should be doing, but I don’t always act on my insight.?

Sometimes, like most people, despite my best efforts, I end up self-sabotaging. When this happens, I tend to feel immense shame. And when I feel shame, I pull away from others. I’m afraid of being ‘found out’ for having flaws (even when I know everyone is imperfect!).

I Struggle With Perfectionism?

I know I need to relax more at work, but my perfectionism makes it hard to loosen up. I’m always worried about making a mistake. I don’t want to be responsible for causing the company irreparable damage. I fear that I will get in trouble for saying or doing the wrong thing.

Perfectionism can be such an energy suck, and it’s not your fault whatsoever. Because I’m so focused on getting things right, it can feel like there’s little room for anything else. Even just hanging out and talking for a few minutes feels unproductive, and I worry about how it will impact my work.?

I’m Anxious (And Introverted)

Yes, I struggle with anxiety, but I also naturally lean toward introversion. I tend to prefer solitude, although I do enjoy moments of deep connection with either one other person or a small group.?

But, in general, large social settings overwhelm me. While I can sometimes tolerate them when needed, I can get drained by these situations quickly. After a large team meeting or workshop, I often need my alone time to recharge. Sometimes, I feel guilty or even anxious about this, but I know it’s part of who I am. There’s nothing you’re doing wrong, and I appreciate your compassion by checking in with me!

I Don’t Want You to Take Care of Me

I hesitate to open up about my mental health because I know you’re a really good person. I know you’re going to be supportive and empathic. I sense that you won’t judge me.

That said, I want to keep our working relationship professional. Having clear limits in the office is important to me. And even though I like you as a colleague, I don’t want to blur boundaries or have a personal friendship with you.?

I also don’t want you to feel like you need to check in or take care of me. I recognize my anxiety and see it as my responsibility to take care of myself. I absolutely appreciate how we work together, and I don’t want anything to jeopardize what we share!

I’m Still Figuring Out My Mental Health

I know I feel anxious, but I can’t always pinpoint why. Sometimes it ebbs and flows. I need more insight into my triggers and patterns. I also just need more time to figure out what’s going on.

Please be patient with me as I work on myself. There’s nothing else you need to do differently at this time. But if I’m coming across as more standoffish, I want you to know that it’s a “me” issue. Thank you for being understanding!?

I Recognize I Need to Work On My Anxiety?

Believe me when I say that I see my anxiety. Sometimes I get anxious about my own anxiety! I know many of my fears are exaggerated. I know that I’m not always grounded in reality. I am sincerely sorry if this impacts you or our working relationship. That’s never my intention.?

Please know that I’m working on my anxiety. I’m committed to practicing healthy coping strategies, and I’m actively managing my stress. I know that it’s not your job to validate or comfort me, but I appreciate the acknowledgment. I always appreciate the support.

Sincerely,

Your coworker?

MedCircle@Work??

A full service mental health solution for businesses ready to create the next generation workplace by providing preventative mental health care to their employees positively impacting their quality of life, and the bottom line of the company.?