Letter to My 23 Year-Old Self

In taking stock of both my professional life and where my life in general has gone since college, there are a few things I wish I could say to my younger self. There are things I know now that I wish I had known then, because it would have saved me years of unproductive thoughts. For now, I put this letter out to my network. Share to young people in your life, or just take it as one person's reflections upon turning 30.

For context, this letter would be sent to me at 23. I had just quit the first full-time job I had ever had without another one lined up. I had lasted one month, for reasons that will become clear in this letter. I was now job hunting in an apartment too big for me which I had acquired solely due to its availability and proximity to a job I no longer had. I was living an hour and a half away from home, by myself, in a city of over 400,000 people, having grown up in small towns. To say I was adrift would be an understatement.

Dear past me,

Yes, this is your 30 year-old self. We planned for this and I'll do all the verification we agreed on so you know it's me. We watch enough sci fi to know that I can't tell you much about what's coming. That would mess up our timeline in very unpredictable ways. But I can tell you a few things I wish I had known at 23.

First, don't blame yourself for not getting into any PhD program you applied to. That was not your fault. Everyone around you was pushing for admittance into a prestigious R1 program and never explained the nuances of admission to you beyond the needed materials. It's not a comment about your intelligence, work ethic, potential to contribute to the literature, or anything else you can think of. A degree is a degree, whether it comes from a Top 20 or an R3. You will soon learn that there would have been a lot of disadvantages in going to an R1 school anyway. Your life is not over just because you didn't get in. There are far more opportunities out there than just academia and private sector research labs, even though those were usually the only options that were discussed when you were in grad school.

Since we're on the subject of grad school, you need to know that professors are not infallible. Teaching is a skill. It was not okay that a professor of yours publicly embarrassed you for not knowing how to rephrase something you said. They should have taught you this skill. That's what school is for. That time you got very stressed over a deadline and raised your voice, after which you were immediately reprimanded and told to apologize? Even though the problem still existed and you had no clue why it was apparently wrong to get frustrated? That was also not okay. You have encountered many people in your life who have failed to teach you. Please do not think that this is a reflection of your character, work ethic, or worth as a person.

And please, please don't waste any more time blaming yourself for "not being able to hack it" in that job you just quit. First of all, no one told you how to decode job titles. Even though you went to Career Services a bunch of times. Again, they really should have taught you and that's not your fault for not knowing. Second of all, bosses are not infallible either. Dad is very fortunate to have a great boss, and that's been all you've seen about what a boss is. A boss is not supposed to push you to come in on your day off for no pay. A boss should not laugh and mock you for struggling in a role very different than what you thought it would be. And that company? You will soon learn why the site leader constantly asserted that it wasn't a pyramid scheme, why the pay was so low, and why they were so desperate to have you sign on immediately.

This is easier for me to say now at 30 than it will be for you to believe at 23, but I'm going to say it anyway: please forgive yourself. You had this whole plan in your head about how your life was supposed to go, and right now it feels like it's in ruins and you're an utter failure because you couldn't make it happen. You take responsibility for your life to the point where you think anything that goes wrong is your fault, and there are so many things that are going to happen to you that are very rarely about you. It will take years for you to believe this simply because of the kind of person you are. You want to do a good job and you want to contribute. I know that, and I don't blame you in the least for where you are right now.

It's going to be okay. You will find your way through it. I can't tell you how or when, but it will all be okay.

Love,

Your future self

P. S. Please tell Dad we love him.