Letter to my 15 year old self - Chris Hoquis

Dear Chris,

High school sucks, doesn’t it? It’s another day walking through halls with nothing but absolute uncertainty. Days feel longer, everything is a blur, and you’re starting to feel more alone than ever. This feeling is impossible to understand, and no one around seems to relate in any way; But I need you to take a moment and remember these words when things progressively get more difficult: there is always going to be a light.

You never ever really think much about family, and I don’t blame you at all. Everything is so routine but take a moment to see what’s really happening.

Mom and Dad are struggling. You’ve been taught to live the same way they do: hard working, no days off, multiple jobs, and every ounce of effort dedicated to not only to family, but extended family you haven’t met back in the Philippines. They’re going to be repetitive, it will sound like painful nagging, and you’re going to resent it, but I urge you to remember that family is something that will always remain constant, especially when you think they don’t understand.

Remember when I told you that there is always going to be a light? When you read this, I know these words will mean very little, especially when you intentionally hurt yourself for the first time. When every single day seems to compound in layers of pain and hurt, you’re going to feel like self-harm is the only escape that makes sense. When you hear the seemingly cliché message for the 100th time that “it will get better,” you’ll think that only applies to those that live a happy and privileged life.

I feel you.

What light? What hope? What better days?

I never saw it either.

• You’re going to soon entertain the idea that your existence is a burden on others around you.
• You’re going to be abused in countless ways that you don’t realize is even happening.
• You already believe that you don’t belong in any group, community, or social circle.
• And you’ll spend every day hoping to never be noticed again.

Please trust me when I say the following because I feel this beyond any words that can express:

You’re not a burden.

You do matter.

And I urge you to never ever ever ever think that you do not belong.

I ask with every ounce in my soul that you don’t think for a millisecond that you are someone that deserves to feel bad, guilty, or remotely remorseful for being who you want to be.

There are people out there that will have little to no reason to want to bring you down. And the reasons that they intentionally hurt others are frankly quite irrelevant because no human on earth deserves to be treated with disrespect.

The next few years of your life are going to be the hardest, and I speak to you two decades later telling you, that still, to this day, those years will be absolutely difficult. You won’t turn to anyone, nor will you confide in any support system because your trust has been destroyed and you don’t look at people the same anymore.

You’re going to become even more distant from your parents, and you won’t realize this, but it will destroy your mother. She will make every attempt and effort to connect with you, but without knowing it, any type of contact with you will be defensive, erratic, and aggressive, not because she deserved it, but only because it’s the only reactionary response that exists in your emotional capacity.

You’ll realize years later that the people that tried to support you are the ones you run away from the quickest. Know that they are the good ones, and as hard as it is to even string a few words together, I need you to keep the door open. I need you to let others in. Not everyone is going to show up just to hurt you, and as scary as that is to believe, it’s 100% true.

As I write this on a Thanksgiving holiday that you never celebrate, and you’re locked in your dark room, I want to paint a picture of what the light at the end of the tunnel looks like:

It looks like regular dinners with your parents, sharing stories about how the week’s gone, capturing your mom on video in the most candid moments, and laughing uncontrollably for hours on end.

It looks like a wild ride of education, where it has absolutely nothing to do with the Pythagorean theorem. I promise you, you will never have to solve another pre-calculus math equation again.

It looks like meeting people that have felt your pain and share similar interests, developing bonds, acquaintances, and friendships that are timeless.

It looks like a TEDx Talk (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ubJaIm21L44 ), where you share the decade long struggles that all started in your teenage years, and now serves as a catalyst for many to empower their own voices and to be OK to feel what they want.

It looks like a classroom that you’re teaching in, prioritizing empowerment of every single voice in the room to feel like they belong in ways that you never did.

And most recently, it looks like a new family, where you found out 14 weeks ago that your partner is 6 weeks pregnant, and a new-found purpose, shining light, and journey is on the horizon waiting to be embarked upon.

At your age (15), I would have never thought life would end up this way two decades later. And it’s in those darkest times when every single wall is closing in, without a remote sight of light that you will see the most growth. All of the small wins that you accumulate are going to go unnoticed, but I ask that you notice them in these moments:

• A moment you took to disrupt a routine.
• A moment you took to get up and move.
• A moment you took to express how you feel.
• A moment you took to start a conversation.
• A moment you took to dream.
• A moment you took to believe.

No matter how short these moments may have been, when they all add up, I promise you, all the little crevasses in the darkest rooms will start to shed light into a new perspective that will give you reasons to live and love life.

So be on the lookout, keep your head up, and I’ll be here waiting to celebrate all the wins with you.?

?

Sincerely,

Chris Hoquis

Your future 35 year old self

If you want to fast forward 5 more years, and read what I wrote you to your 20 year old self, click here for that letter.

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