A Letter From A Survivor Of Abuse To Her Deceased Abuser - My Physical Scars I Wear With Pride As The Scars Of The Wars I Won Against You!

This is a letter from me Lurleen Hilliard to my now deceased husband, my abuser, and the reason why I am who I am today, and why I am determined to never be silenced or be a victim in life. I SURVIVED YOU Paul Patrick Byrne and although I wear the scars on both my eyelids from the fists that you threw at me, to bust them open. I no longer wear those scars with embarrassment or shame, I wear them with PRIDE. You see I am not your human punch bag anymore, I am not a victim of you, of the fear that you instilled into me, I am not the woman who will hide the fact that I had to bury my only daughter, Chelsea who was stillborn because of your fists and rape, I won't stay silent on how you constantly raped me for sex, how you belittled me with your many extramarital affairs or on the abuse that you perpetrated on to our sons. Yes, I gave you forgiveness in death as I believed that it was the right thing to do, HOWEVER I will never forget what you did to me and took from me.

I will not allow hate to destroy me or to be a part of my future. You see Paul that is what I know you would want me to do, to allow you to still control me, but the day you died, was the day that I was FINALLY SET FREE. After a total of THIRTY TWO YEARS of abuse, I am FREE and I intend to LIVE MY LIFE NOW and to NEVER EVER SIMPLY EXIST AGAIN. I was that statistic like so many other victims in life, BUT now I am the voice for all Victims of all forms of abuse. Men - Women - Children who are victims I am their voice and I will be the voice and hand that helps them to be free.

It's ironic Paul that the many years of abuse that I endured from you, which destroyed who I was and at one point I totally forgot my own identity as I would simply go through the motions in life to survive. BUT because of what you put me and our sons through I now have found my true vocation in life, my true calling and it's to be that voice for the voiceless. Would I wish abuse on anybody NO but if I had not lived that life with you then I know that I would never have set up my organization 'NolongerVictims' back in 2012 and I would also never have pushed myself to get the credentials and recognition for my work worldwide, so THANK YOU PAUL, you made sure that I didn't allow my life of abuse to define me, but instead MY ACTIONS & DEVOTION to help others is what defines me in life. I won't hide the truth from the world as YOU don't deserve that respect in death nor did you deserve it in life.

When you hear or read about a victim in life for a few minutes you may feel bad for them, but the reality is that you will get on with your own life and forget about the story you just read or the report you heard on the news. Why you may ask? well, sadly our lives are all so hectic that the pain of others isn't always a priority to strangers. Hence why so many victims remain a victim in life because they are trapped in their world of pain, fear, abuse, and knowing that today is going to be the same as yesterday and tomorrow will just be another day of tears, fear, and abuse. It doesn't matter whether you are a man, a woman, or a child the fact remains the same a VICTIM is a VICTIM irrespective of their age or gender. When my abuser was alive I couldn't use his name, I couldn't tell the world who he truly was as he had never been convicted of his crimes against me. BUT now I can name him as he is dead, he can no longer control my fear of reprisals if I spoke out, he can no longer hurt me and although I am still in fear of others associated with him I will NOT be silenced anymore.

But as a SURVIVOR I want to share with you the truth behind our smiles, as I know in my case that my smile was what hid my abuse for over 30 years, it was what enabled my abuser to destroy who I once was so that I lost my identity as a woman, as a mam and an individual. Whether you are a man or a woman who is enduring abuse, you don't deserve to exist like that, you deserve to live your life to be free, safe, happy, loved, and respected. It's not about the material items in life, it's about YOU and how you can know you are safe, you are free from the clutches of evil. Anybody who abuses any man, woman, or child is evil and yet to the outside world, they can be the pillar of the community. You can do it, we all can and although I am free from his fists, his temper and his rapes I am still not totally free, as he made sure to try to destroy my future life with his actions, however, I will fight them as I did him as I deserve to be free, to feel safe, to live life, to be loved, to love and most of all to be the voice of the voiceless victims in our society. I was them, and many of you reading this now are currently that victim BUT you can get out if I can do it then so can you.

Whether you are a victim of Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Sexual, Emotional, or Physical abuse by a loved one or a victim of Human Trafficking, the fear that you endure every single minute of every day is a fear that is so hard to explain, but it's a fear that is instilled into who we are and it's what makes us determined to be the most vocal and determined SURVIVORS that we can be. In all honesty, I have forgotten many of the incidents of abuse that my now late husband Paul Byrne perpetrated onto me, as there were so many. But I remember one in particular that to this day humiliates me still, and it's why I won't give up on any victim in life and why I will never allow any fear or person no matter how petrified I am to silence me.

Although I was not a victim of strangers I was the victim of a man who to the world had it all, a beautiful family of four sons, a wife who did everything a wife should do, a stunning home, no financial concerns, a flash material life with a home in Spain as well as in Ireland, cars, boats all that the world saw as us having it all. YET behind closed doors we lived with satan, the image to the world is what so many men & women portray as a perfect one but the reality for their victims is a life of hell. It's that image of respectability that enables an abuser or those involved in Human Trafficking to escape accountability for so long and to use that power to control their victims. It's this power and the fear it instils into a victim that allows all abusers to abuse for far too long. We need to REMOVE the stigma attached to abuse and by doing so we will save lives. One voice can cause a ripple in our society, hundreds a wave BUT if we all combine our voices then we can be that TSUNAMI of change that EVERY SINGLE VICTIM in life deserves. They don't have to dream of freedom, we can make that freedom into their reality.

It was about 2002 and I was then the mom of four young boys, the youngest was only a baby not even one-year-old at the time. I had flown to a town in Southern Spain called Estepona as we had a holiday home there, my then-husband Paul Byrne, drove from Ireland to Spain in our truck with two of our four boys. When he arrived the first thing he did was to grab a drink, but as an alcoholic that wasn't strange to us. I went out to the truck to start unloading some of his stuff and I picked up a sunglass case that was very heavy and rattled. It was made in the shape of sunglasses but with the Tasmanian devil imprinted on it. I opened the case and inside it, I saw hundreds of small white pills, I was very naive as I hadn't grown up in that world of drugs or abuse, but I had heard rumors about Paul and what he was involved with.

I have ZERO TOLERANCE for drugs, so I took the case and I went into the house, not saying a word to anybody and up to our bathroom, I emptied the entire contents of the case into the toilet, and hundreds of small white pills fell into the water. As I did Paul came up behind me and saw what I had done, he flipped out at me as I flushed them down the loo. They were not going to destroy lives but he was about to show me how he controlled mine and what he did to this day was one of the most embarrassing and humiliating forms of abuse that he perpetrated on me. He had driven from Ireland through France and Spain with our two young sons in his truck while he also transported some form of drugs that would ultimately destroy families and lives. What type of man or dad does that? I still can't comprehend it.

He dragged me by the hair into our bedroom, the boys were out in the garden playing so they couldn't hear me cry. He ripped off my clothes so that I was naked and got some bright red lipstick, he proceeded to write on my chest and tummy and I quote ' Nothing But A Fucking Whore' in red lipstick. He then left me on the bed and I thought that he was gone BUT no he had just gone down to call our sons to the living room. He had them all stand at the bottom of the stairs as he dragged me down totally naked and stood me hysterically crying and trying to hide my modesty in front of my four sons. One of them who to this day is my protector R was only about 7 years old at the time and lashed out at his dad, and tried to protect me but the humiliation and the total desire to just want to die and have that life over with is something that I will never ever forget. As much as I wanted out of that life, the fear and the pain I knew that if I did end my life my sons would be his next victims and that was something that I could never allow to happen. Unfortunately, it was already going on but I wasn't aware of it until much later on in life as I thought that if I was the one to take his fists, to be his human punch bag, to be sexually abused he would leave my sons alone how wrong I was and that is one thing that I can't ever forgive myself for not noticing.

To constantly be humiliated, to be made feel like I was worthless and that no man would ever want me in life as I was so ugly and useless that what he was saying was the truth. BUT the reality is that he had groomed me just like a Human Trafficker grooms their victims as they need that power to control you if you are not somebody who is aware of abuse then sadly they will target you. The excuse of a human that abuses anybody thrives on the power that they have, it's not always for sexual gratification but more the power that they feel allows them to say and do anything in life.

Paul would threaten me constantly about how he was going to bring me to an area in the Dublin Mountains, have me gang-raped by some of his friends whom I had threatened to expose when I had found confidence one day to speak out to him and to then bury me alive. This was something that I knew he was very capable of as a Narcissist has no emotion, they have no conscience and they have one focus in life their own. His dream for me in life was one that he told our sons and me many times and it's one that always sickened me.

By sharing this with you I hope that it will inspire others to speak out, to reach out and most of all to get out of the abusive situation they are in. Paul told me many times that he wished that I and I quote ' would piss into a bag for life and be fed through a tube this from a man whom I had given four sons to, who had buried my only daughter because of him and lost four other babies to miscarriage because of his abuse, I honestly thought that he couldn't sink any lower than he had but clearly, I was wrong.

I hope that by sharing some of my pain and the life of abuse that I lived for far too many years will at least help some of you to see that you are not alone, YOU are not to blame and that you deserve so much more in life. The pain and the memories don't ever really go away BUT we learn to live with them and to control them rather than them controlling us. PTSD is very real and it's not just for those who have or are serving proudly as Law Enforcers or First Responders, or in the Military. PTSD is so common in our world today and yet is also so ignored, but when you take control of your life and you BELIEVE that you are that SURVIVOR then trust me, your life will change, that weight will be lifted from you and you will in time realize that YOU were never the problem, YOU were just the CHOSEN ONE by somebody evil to the core. You were groomed as all victims in life are irrespective of the form of abuse you endure, and sadly even the strongest of us can get caught up in the trap by a calculated and manipulative abuser. To them it's a game, it's about control, it's about satisfying their sick internal agenda.

Sharing the above is very hard for me, as I am not doing this to look for sympathy, I simply want all to know that it doesn't matter what age you are, how influential your abuser is in society, how they have threatened you, brain trained you to believe that nobody would ever want you in life, that you are useless, ugly, and a failure. They only tell you this so that they can condition you to think that HE or SHE is the only one in life who would suffer you when the reality is that HE or SHE needs YOU so that they can feel empowered, in control and most of all in their twisted mind somebody that you can't ever live without, but the reality i that you CAN & YOU WILL live a great life when you set yourself FREE.

In finishing this letter to you Paul Patrick Byrne, I wanted to say that I don't regret marrying you, I don't regret the years of abuse that you put me through, as that life showed me who I was meant to be in life and showed TWO of our four sons who never to be in life. Your cycle of abuse has been broken, and although two of our four sons are like you, and very manipulative and abusive that is their CHOICE in life. As it is mine to not be in their lives as I will not accept any form of abuse, and I will be that voice to speak out even against my two sons K & S. BUT I have two amazing young men who I am proud to call my sons, who know what RESPECT is, what INTEGRITY is, how you never ABUSE anybody and you never allow anybody to abuse YOU. Funny Paul the two that have values and morals are the two that I raised alone, the two that are everything that any parent would be proud to call their son in life and this is not because of you, it's INSPITE of you Paul.

I hope that you rest in peace, but I do believe that our conscience comes back to haunt us and if it does for you then you sure deserve it. Now I am about to embark on new adventures in my life, I'm more determined than ever to be that voice and to ensure that nobody has to endure the loneliness, the isolation, the pain, the true fear that makes you shake to the bone just with the mention of their abuser's name, or their smell. I can now have friends in my life as I don`t have to protect them from you, I am on the road to FREEDOM and although you have done a lot to stop that by actions you took unknown to me, I will NOT give up, I will NOT stay silent and I will NEVER allow you to control me or my life. You wanted to murder me so many times BUT I survived and now I am here to tell my story and YOU are in a hell that not even you can escape from.

IN LIFE YOU DESTROYED ME BUT IN DEATH YOU HAVE FINALLY SET ME FREE - FREEDOM IS ALL I EVER WANTED & I INTEND TO GET IT.

Written By

Lurleen Hilliard

Founder NolongerVictims

WWW.NOLONGERVICTIMS.COM