A Letter to Foster Moms (current and former) on Mother’s Day

Today may be a hard day for you.

You may feel the joy of spending time with your biological children or mother. You celebrate these beautiful girls and women and their lively spirits that bring joy to so many others. You may be honored by loved ones who acknowledge what it takes to be a mom – the lost sleep, the forever putting others first, and sometimes the literal crap you deal with.

But at the same time, there is the searing pain of loss. For me, this loss looks like a beautiful one-year-old boy and a newborn baby girl we got straight from the hospital. They lived with us for 7 and 4 months, respectively, and then both went to their biological families.

The dull ache I feel daily becomes much sharper on Mother’s Day, when I am acutely aware that two tiny humans who unknowingly hold a little piece of my heart will likely never know the depth of the love I have for them.

So, this letter is to my fellow foster moms, current and former.

You are an unbelievably brave woman. When you agreed to a placement, you had no idea what was coming, but you answered the call. You have a life of your own – some combination of a job, home, spouse, biological children, parents, workout regimen, and a social life. But you put this life on hold. You answered the call. You had heard how children in foster care many times will challenge you by causing physical pain to themselves or you, running away, or yelling at the top of their lungs – to see if you will abandon them. But you answered the call. You knew in your soul that what this child needed more than anything was love, stability, and support. And you answered the call. In what was likely this child’s darkest hour, it was YOU who answered the call.

You are equal parts brave and selfless. You are strong and compassionate. You are a rock and a ray of light. You are what most would call a superhero. You don’t see yourself that way, but it’s exactly what you are. How else do you explain someone who willingly goes to the front lines not to fight an enemy, but to love someone who a cruel world will almost certainly take from you?

You know the system is broken. You know you will have to unwaveringly fight on their behalf. And while most would use this as an excuse to step aside, you are able to see through all of this mess to focus on the child. It’s not about “a system”, it’s about Grace, Juan, Trevor, Sarah, DeShaun, and all of the other individual children caught in a web of bad decisions their parents or caretakers made.

You love these children like mad, and fight to lift them from where they were when they arrived to a place where they will be able to lift themselves. Then, one day, they leave – the court decides they have found a suitable option for your child. Maybe that is true, but too often, it’s what’s required by law in a system that is flawed to the core.

And you are left behind, with nothing but scars to show for the love and grit you poured out during your time with this child. Today, those scars may cause pain. It’s ok to stop and grieve the loss of a foster child. But also remember what you provided for these children. You filled the gap for them when they desperately needed someone. You provided warmth, meals, and help with homework when most would turn away. You opened your heart and your home to a child. And you did this, knowing you would or will have to let them go. You are an inspiration.

Today, I honor you for your selfless bravery. I thank you for filling the gap when the child’s biological mother faltered. I celebrate you and the countless lives you’ve changed with this act of courageous love.

Some of these children are too young to remember you personally, but your love will always be part of their story.