#Letstalkabout How To Pass

First of all, thank you very much for all the positive and encouraging feedback on my little writing project. What you most want to hear about is what you can learn in Berghain (who would have thought?) and what my personal queer perspective is on all sorts of leadership topics. There's allegedly a shortage of queer perspectives... who knew ???

But before I tell you about Berghain, I have to set a few things straight (pun intended) and you'll have to wait and hope to pass the door. Typical Berghain. So please be patient and collect yourselves...

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Queer in a straight world: how to pass?

Before we queue up in front of the hardest door in the city or even: the world, I would like to say a few words about the "queer perspective". And what is that in a work context anyway??

Well, to understand this, you first have to imagine that as a queer person you live in a very straight world. That's nothing dramatic in and of itself and we're practically used to it from birth. But still, the first rule for us is to adapt and pass as "normal" as possible. Or in short: to pass.

?Tina Gianoulis writes in an essay about “Passing”:

?The presumption of heterosexuality in most modern cultures often makes passing as straight the easiest option for gay men and lesbians, at least in casual or public situations. Since all but the most effeminate homosexual or the most "mannish" lesbian can pass, and since heterosexuality is usually assumed, most gay men and lesbians in fact spend a great deal of their lives passing as straight even when they do not do so intentionally. In a society so eager to assume straightness that "don't ask, don't tell" becomes public policy, it takes courage and resolve to challenge the presumption of heterosexuality”.

Much has been done in society to promote the acceptance of other, non-heteronormative lifestyles and shows like "RuPaul's Drag Race" and "Queer Eye" have arrived in the living rooms of the average family. Although I sometimes wonder whether these shows in particular are not a form of modern entertainment by court jesters?

But nevertheless: it is still assumed in everyday life that we are all straight. Maybe a little less in Kreuzberg. Maybe a bit more in Wuppertal or Wolverhampton. There are always exceptions, of course. Society is changing. But for the sake of the argument, suspend your disbelief for a minute.

Is he/she/they/them the answer?

Gender-inclusive language doesn't change that. On the contrary: I have the impression that it obscures rather than makes visible. Because now everyone who puts he/him or she/her or even they/them after their name has acquired an aura of fluidity with little effort and consequences. They can easily be outraged if they are gendered incorrectly.

However, there is little need to fear consequences or even discrimination in everyday life. With certain people and companies, I often see it as pandering to a target group with purchasing power and saccharine virtue signaling "we are progressive".

Very few people really understand what's behind it and it costs them nothing. You don't have to be really brave to put he/him behind the name. While those who have a real struggle with their gender and for whom it is actually identity violating to be assigned the wrong gender are lost in the general noise of the virtue-signaling "progressive" mainstream.

Remember, if you want to introduce gender-inclusive language: who does it really benefit? Cui bono? Think about it.

What about Hetero/Gay/Lesbian/Polyamorous/Bisexual/Asexual/Sapiosexual?

And as far as sexuality is concerned, and that's what the queer perspective is really about, it doesn't achieve anything. It doesn't say hetero/bicurious behind the name. That would be a real test of tolerance and would perhaps move things forward.

But so far, even in the gender-equitable world, sexuality is a kind of a taboo subject and those who don't conform to the norm adapt to expectations. In the way you look, what you wear, how you talk and what you talk about (usually sports, the weather and gardening).?

And in the subway or certain neighborhoods, you are well served to be totally inconspicuous. Otherwise you'll get punched in the face or mobbed. Who hasn't had this happen to them yet? That's right - the answer that pops up in your head may also separate the normative wheat from the queer chaff.

Sentences that trigger not only me: "We've all experienced discrimination..."

In the working environment, we are protected from discrimination by various laws and, thanks to Madonna, we no longer have to pretend to have a fictitious girlfriend and look as perky as possible so as not to stand out and pass when talking to colleagues. Express yourself!

We can even state on our CV that we are "partnered" and justifiably hope that we won't be rejected from the outset. Yes, diversity is even the hot shit in HR!

And during Pride Month, every self-respecting company outdoes itself by hanging the most inclusive version of the rainbow flag as prominently as possible to signal virtue and attract potential employees or demonstrate to customers: we're the good guys. We pass as the tolerant, diverse, wonderful company. We're coming through too, in your "other queer world", yes? It's all hunky-dory, right??

What really "triggers" me is when I hear older, white, high-earning women with 3 children and a rich husband say: "yes, we've all experienced discrimination in some way..." and that sets the whole thing straight.

When I'm in a good mood, I think: I'm a calm, clear, cool mountain lake, nothing bothers me... When I'm a little less chilled out (which sometimes happens), everything inside me screams: shut up, you have no idea what you're talking about.

But for all those who would like to broaden their horizons on the subject of "passing" and really dive deeper into the topic, here is a little thought experiment...

Finally in front of Berghain...

Well, and now you've waited long enough and are finally standing in front of the hardest door in the world... To be more precise, you're about an hour's wait away from it, if you're lucky. You have dressed appropriately in black and/or sparsely, speak only German or nothing at all, look serious but not too sad, are relaxed but not too casual, look confidently at the doorman but not too cheeky.

You try to exude: I want to join the party, I'm worth it, I belong, I'm super sexy and I already listen to techno for breakfast. You get closer and eventually find yourself in front of the most brutal bouncer in the galaxy. Even outside the Star Wars Cantina on Tatooine there are friendlier fellows...

And then he looks at you. Mercilessly. The look is like a laser scan. You can't fool him. He's seen them all and is always right. He decides whether you get a slice of the party cake or have to go through life hungry forever.

And that, my dears, is what the need to pass feels like!

That's how it feels when you try to pass, the exact same way. You dress differently, you adapt your behavior, you even change your voice and language, you change your nature, you try to meet an expectation that is not yours. And at the same time you feel watched, naked (maybe you even are?), judged. And some guy decides whether you can pass. Or not. Whether you can play along. Or have to go back to your sad life.

The verdict is...

Sorry, not your party today...

Admittedly, I've dramatized everything a bit for entertainment purposes. In the "real" world, there's no Sven Marquardt standing in front of you and judging you. But still: if you want to get an impression of what it feels like to want to pass, you should queue up at Berghain or simply observe the people.

It is first and foremost a gay club and the door is the interface between the "normal" world outside, with all its heteronormative rules and behaviors. And another "normal" world with its homo-normative (can you say that??) rules and behaviors. Anyone who tries it will realize how terribly emotionally tiring it is.

As a queer person, you can (only?) get ahead in your job if you are a talented chameleon

As a queer manager, you still have to be particularly good to get by. In my experience, the degree of adaptation is higher than for others. True, we all have to adapt when we go to work and leave a part of ourselves at the door. Some do it more, some less. It also depends on the company. It's certainly different in the public sector than in a start-up for sex toys in Kreuzberg.

Nevertheless, I dare say that "we" still have to do more and leave more behind in order to get ahead. I still observe patronizing colleagues (men and women) who don't take you very seriously. We are stuck in the "women" or "eternally young and inexperienced" category.?

What might be flattering in terms of appearance is detrimental in a career context. Straight people get further with less. It's a perceived fact (if you have a study on this: please send me the link!).

Why am I thinking of Jens Spahn's reputation in comparison to Karl Lauterbach? One of them always had to explain and defend positions. The other simply declares things and justifies nothing... Seems somehow familiar to me. (oops, that will provoke controversial reactions!)

Tips for managers when dealing with queer colleagues and employees

In this context, I'm not at all sure whether we need diversity officers... or whether the way it's currently done is the best approach... I still have to think about it... Maybe in a future article?

Anyway, here are a few quick and dirty tips from me. The best thing you can do is to take some of the pressure to conform out of the equation. It's easier than you might think. For example:

• Vary small talk topics: don't always talk about the children, don't assume that everyone has something to say about parenting topics (it's also nice for hetero colleagues without children).
• Avoid comparisons to very heteronormative values in meetings... it doesn't tell us anything, it doesn't engage us, it even causes opposition for some. Rather be open to new images and analogies, e.g. the great feeling of freedom when dancing naked, the wonderful world of polyamorous relationships, etc. (just kidding).
• Create a space of trust. Make it clear that no one has to conform fearfully here.
• Don't comment, don't judge, don't evaluate, don't try to equate any experiences of discrimination by colleagues with your own experiences. It's a sure recipe for disaster.
• Don't say that you also have good friends who are gay or lesbian in order to pander. That really upsets some people. I'm a bit more relaxed and usually reply: "Yes, we know straight people too, totally lovely and charming people! There's this nice young straight couple in the Hinterhaus… " Then they usually shut up, awkwardly.

I could go on with this list. But there will be new articles that go into some aspects in more depth. I still have to save something, don't I??

Happy Focus Friday and enjoy your weekend! Maybe you'll give the queue a try?

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FRANK

PS: In the next articles, I will of course take you with me into Berghain, because I get in ?? That's when the learning really starts... Before that, there might be something about health and how not to look old as an old man... in the figurative sense. Or just let me surprise you.

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