Let's be very clear Humans are Animals, Primal and the most Dangerous Predators on this planet... Who are you being?
Darleen Barton Dr
Principal & Founder Dr (hc) @ DIPAC Est 2009 Private Practice | Counselling Therapist | Accredited Mediator| Conflict Resolution |Life Business Executive Coaching People Development
“Ghosts in the nursery” was a term coined in 1975 by child psychoanalyst and social worker Selma Fraiberg. The term refers to the relationship between a parent and a child and the harsh sometimes traumatic experiences a child experiences from a “punitive” parenting style. Young children who are abused by their parents can sometimes grow up exhibiting similar behaviours when they become parents themselves. “I don’t remember much about my childhood” Sometimes abused children don’t remember the abuse. They may consider it normal because it was all they knew, and it was normal to them.
Those of us who were children born in the 70’s and prior felt the sting of a jug cord around the legs, dads belt across our backside or being called to the principal’s office at school to be whipped across the palms or knuckles with a stick several times. We considered this as normal behaviour.
The people administering these punishments were troubled humans themselves. When you inflict pain onto another human particularly a child you are not “self-managing” you are “unmanaged” you are abusing another person.
Let’s be very clear Humans are Animals we are Primal and we are the most Dangerous Predators on this planet. If a human is unable to “self – Manage” that is control themselves and not inflict their hurt onto others they are “unmanaged” and they are dangerous. ?
Let’s delve in further and hear Billy’s story
Punitive parenting can have significant and long-lasting effects on an individual’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships in adulthood. Here are some ways this type of upbringing can impact adult relationships:
1.????? Low Self-Esteem: Constant criticism and harsh punishment can lead to a poor self-image, making it difficult to believe they deserve love and respect. Adult-Women may become shut off and men may become angry both “I’m not enough”
2.????? Fear of Intimacy: Trust issues stemming from childhood can result in a fear of getting close to others, fearing they will be hurt or abandoned.
3.????? Attachment Issues: Abusive parenting can lead to insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, affecting how they connect with partners.
4.????? Conflict Avoidance: Experiencing frequent punishment for expressing needs or emotions can result in avoiding conflict, leading to unresolved issues in relationships.
5.????? Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Having boundaries violated in childhood can make it challenging to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in adult relationships.
6.????? Seeking Approval: Constantly seeking validation from others due to a lack of approval in childhood, potentially leading to unhealthy dependency on partners.
7.????? Recreating Trauma: Subconsciously choosing partners who mirror abusive or punitive behaviours experienced in childhood, perpetuating a cycle of abuse. Note: We marry our unfinished business because it is unknowingly familiar
8.????? Emotional Dysregulation: Struggling to manage emotions effectively due to a lack of healthy emotional modelling and support during childhood.
9.????? Trust Issues: Finding it hard to trust others, expecting betrayal or hurt based on past experiences with caregivers.
10.? Overreacting to Criticism: Reacting strongly to perceived criticism or rejection, due to sensitivity developed from constant punitive feedback.
11.? People-Pleasing: Going to great lengths to avoid conflict or disapproval, often at the expense of their own needs and well-being.
12.? Hypervigilance: Being overly alert to signs of conflict or potential threats, making it difficult to relax and feel secure in relationships.
13.? Fear of Abandonment: Anxiety about being abandoned or rejected, which can lead to clinginess or self-sabotaging behaviours.
14.? Control Issues: Either becoming overly controlling to avoid feeling vulnerable or being easily controlled due to fear of standing up for themselves.
Understanding these patterns can help individuals seek therapy or support to heal from past trauma and develop healthier relationship dynamics.
Billy’s Story
Billy was a bright and imaginative boy who loved to explore the bush near his home, finding solace among the trees and river. However, his home life was far from peaceful. His father, Mr. Anderson, a school teacher by profession, was a stern and punitive man who believed that strict discipline was the only way to raise a child. Any small mistake Billy made was met with harsh words, punishment, and sometimes even physical reprimands.
As Billy grew older, he learned to keep his emotions hidden, fearing his father's wrath. He stopped sharing his dreams and fears, building walls around his heart to protect himself. The lack of affection and constant criticism from his father left Billy feeling worthless and unloved. His mother tried to console him, but her efforts were often overshadowed by Mr. Anderson's authoritarian presence.
Years passed, and Billy became an adult. He moved out of his childhood home and started a new life in a different city, hoping to leave the pain of his past behind. Despite his efforts, the scars from his upbringing followed him. He struggled to form deep connections with others, always expecting rejection or criticism. His relationships were fleeting, marred by his inability to trust and open up.
One day, Billy met Sarah, a kind and understanding woman who saw the goodness in him. They started dating, and for a while, Billy felt hopeful. But as their relationship deepened, Billy's unresolved issues began to surface. He found himself growing frustrated and angry over small things, unable to communicate his feelings effectively. He would withdraw emotionally whenever Sarah tried to get close, fearing that she would hurt him like his father did.
Sarah, sensing Billy's inner turmoil, suggested they seek couples therapy. Reluctantly, Billy agreed, knowing he couldn't keep pushing her away if he wanted their relationship to work. In therapy, Billy began to unravel the deep-seated pain from his childhood. He spoke about his father's punishments, the lack of affection, and the constant fear of making mistakes.
Through therapy, Billy learned to recognise his triggers and understand that his reactions were rooted in his past trauma. He began to work on expressing his emotions in a healthy way and building trust with Sarah. It wasn't easy, and there were many setbacks along the way, but Sarah's patience and support helped Billy make progress.
Gradually, Billy started to see himself differently. He began to believe that he was worthy of love and that he didn't have to live in fear of rejection. He learned to set boundaries and communicate his needs, creating a healthier dynamic in his relationship with Sarah.
While the scars from his childhood would never completely fade, Billy found a way to move forward. He realised that healing was a continuous journey, and with Sarah by his side, he felt hopeful for the future. Together, they built a relationship based on trust, understanding, and mutual respect, breaking the cycle of pain that had plagued Billy for so long. By Billy taking responsible action to understand himself he has saved his own children from his ghosts in his nursery.
If you do not fix yourself, you will be responsible for “The cycle of Intergenerational trauma"
Learn more about ACEs Adverse Childhood Experiences ACES Primer HD (youtube.com)
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