Let's Talk...Redefining Masculinity

My first book Time To Talk: How Men Think About Love, Belonging, and Connection has been out since April 1st, 2021. In this book, I explore what it means to be a man today, by speaking to the innermost man and looking at what we can learn from men about emotionality.

As a trainee therapist, educator on emotional health, and future clinician, I am driven to explore the inner depths of men. What moves us to love, how we feel about self-forgiveness, friendships, love, and success. While I have had a lot of thoughts on masculinity, and in my writing, I have come to the conclusion that we need new definitions because we are confusing ourselves now - and it's time we made some things clear.

We live in a culture that is restrictive and oppressed by language and attitude. We are caught up in whether 'It' is impersonal, or what we mean when we use 'she' as the dominant pronoun rather than the commonly used 'he'. We get easily confused when people are told not to use the terms male and female when describing humans, and linguistically challenge ourselves in how to order them in a sentence when using an adjective as a noun. Eg. Females are emotional vs. I have female friends. When using descriptors, the language structures are inherently sexist and gender heavy, but they needn't be thus - simply my friends are women will do, for example.

So, we do have a tricky time when it comes to definitions. There are days we are yelling at ourselves to live up to definitions that have been made for us, and that we readily accept. Sometimes, these are great for clarity, but in other ways, it boxes us in.

One of the definitions I struggle with is masculinity. A quick dictionary dive explains:

Noun: the quality of being masculine.

Masculine. Let's go.

Adjective: Characterized by or possessing qualities traditionally attributed to men, such as aggressiveness.

So, let’s look at Toxic Masculinity

Definition: The pervasive adherence to and upholding of stereotypically negative masculine behavior, characterised by the pursuit of social dominance, promiscuity, aggression, a propensity for violence, and suppression of emotions other than anger.

They are all pretty clear. Yet, people regularly ask me why I don't like the term toxic masculinity. Let's talk about it (briefly).

In accordance with the conversation about language and how we use it, when we address masculinity as toxic, we aren't doing male identity any favours. What we need to be doing is addressing the instability of masculinity in society, and that is something I think is worth focusing on.

In my conversation with Kay Rufai, we spoke about his S.M.I.L.Eing Boys Project and he relayed a story to me about how boys police one another when it comes to masculinity. He kept the boys guessing about his sexuality. After all the work he did to empower them he told them he was gay  - there was uproar. He let them react. Among the screams of 'Sir, why!? I trusted you! How can you be gay?!?' He waited. Then told them that he wasn't. There was confusion. Kay said, 'It shouldn't matter what my orientation is. What matters is that you are connecting with me as boys becoming men.'

Masculinity is unstable. The status of gender is policed. Boys are socialised to become men and being a man is more valued in society than being feminine or a woman, meaning certain rules come with being one. This is what is toxic, not masculinity itself. Men must be convinced that their manhood is suspect as a way of social control. This can also come from women too.

A recent example is Candace Owens' comments on Harry Styles' Vogue shoot. Long story short, Styles wore a dress (something he can get away with arguably as a wealthy cishet white man, but that's a conversation for another article).

Owens said on Twitter: ‘There is no society that can survive without strong men. The East knows this. In the West, the steady feminisation of our men at the same time that Marxism is being taught to our children is not a coincidence. It is an outright attack. Bring back, manly men.'

What does this mean? 'Manly men'? There's a less social status attached to the feminine, which means women can *enjoy* flexibility and fluidity and, naturally, more creative freedom within the gender they conform to.

Styles said in the piece: 'There’s so much joy to be had in playing with clothes. I’ve never thought too much about what it means—it just becomes this extended part of creating something.' Again. We must understand his position as a white man, but the point remains - why can't men just be?

This is something I speak about in my book. Learning to be compassionate to ourselves, and that we have nothing to prove is the key staple of the book.

Short story. In my pandemic-chosis, I dyed my hair because I was stepping into myself. I had been wanting to dye it for years, but the same rhetoric from women and men in my family told me not to. I was stepping into my own definition of manliness and colourful identity as a man who navigates the intersections of masculinity pertaining to sexuality, race, and gender. It is important to recognise ourselves as full human beings as men since so many of us lose that part of ourselves as boys growing into whomever we are destined to be.

Men cannot always do this. Men cannot always see that those gender roles are restrictive and oppressive to their identities as men, and to women - thus male identity is more destructive than masculine behaviours.

Where can we find joy? In the rebellion. 

So, here's a new definition: Positive Masculinity. Not avoiding the toxic parts of masculinity, but reframing.

My new definition - Positive Masculinity: a set of attitudes and ways that amplify the healing, compassion, and positive nature of men, regarded as having a positive impact on men and on society as a whole.

Example:

There is something I want to share with you. I might be breaking all the laws of masculinity - but...ah well.

Last year, the United States elected Joe Biden. The person who preceded him is a man who, to me, was dispassionate and violent. All things I abhor - the beacon of toxic masculinity. Biden and Harris are the better options (not without some concern as we have been shown) but what this scope for new masculinity?

Leadership has been crippled by violence. Gender-based, racial, homophobic, and war masculine expectations have crippled global leadership. Violence remains the crutch for what it means to be a leader. We aren't compassionate with one another enough to know that violence answers none of the questions we have about ourselves. What does violence do but create a schism in our ability to love?

There is complexity in my thinking. In listening to prominent organiser in the civil rights movement in the United States, Kwame Toure, ironically discuss violence with David Frost, I reluctantly agreed with his stance. What he says makes sense, and has a history in non-violent movement, but again...is violence necessary? My view is violence begets violence. If that is the language we consider humane, then can we be surprised by the behaviour?

What hope do we have for the world and future generations? Will this world learn that compassion and a positive perspective toward new masculinity, is not a death sentence? I am writing many things daily, and in a list of ways compassion could change the world, I began to shake, uncontrollably, as my pen made its way deeper into the page - I worry we won’t see a world that does.

At times, I feel hopeless. Not hopeless as in depressed, but hopeless as in pessimistic. Naturally, I am an optimistic person. Realities have made pessimism the truth of my personality, but I tend to look at the brightness of the world and hope for the best.

People may be able to see the love behind the eyes of an abuser, but the same can be said of the cold heart behind the most pleasant of faces.

As I say, I am glad that we are having these conversations but I question: what next?

If you liked this post, please drop me a message. I host and facilitate men's groups, and write and speak about this topic, so if you are looking for someone to speak on these things with relation to men and mental health do not hesitate to get in touch.

Some Questions For You…

So, if anyone is confused about my position, it stands at this: I am passionate about creating a more compassionate world. I aim for a more compassionate, thoughtful, and nuanced masculinity based on care, love, and support and that is non-negotiable.

• Do you think that we need new definitions of masculinity?
• What examples can you find of men who ascribe to positive masculinity?
• How can we teach young boys to have more positive attributes?
• Is toxic masculinity something we will ever get past?

Books

As you know, I love books. Fitting that this will be a list of books on masculinity.

We Real Cool: Black Men and Masculinity - bell hooks

Mask Off: Masculinity Re-Defined - JJ Bola

Boys Will Be Boys - Clementine Ford

You Are Not The Man You Are Meant To Be - Martin Robinson

SAFE: 20 Ways To Be A Black Man In Britain Today

What We Are Teaching Our Sons - Owen Booth

Don’t forget…

To check out the podcast!

Remember to rate, review and subscribe.

Catch me on:

Find me on VERO: vero.co/alexholmes

Instagram: instagram.com/byalexholmes