Let’s Talk About S*x Baby - Dating and Intimacy

Growing up in a conservative household, topics such as s*x and intimacy were taboo for me for many years. Here’s how I learned to include sexuality in my dating coaching programs, and why it’s important to talk about it from the beginning of a relationship.

How My Own Upbringing Shaped My Beliefs About S*x

The topic of dating and intimacy is an important one for discussion. So much of it depends on your culture and the way you’re raised. For example, I grew up in a very conservative family and?at home we never spoke about intimacy because it was deemed not appropriate to do so in my Protestant Calvinistic household.

To give you an idea of just how taboo this was in our family, as a child, when we were watching television, my mother would change the channel if people were kissing... Needless to say, s*x and physical intimacy was not a topic of conversation at our dinner table.

After starting my matchmaking and dating agency, Success Match, in 2005, for many years, like all other such services I just set singles up on dates. Occasionally it would work out and clients got married or were in lasting relationships but most of the time it honestly didn’t.

When I realized that just going on dates was not enough, I began to understand the importance of dealing with all parts of setting yourself up for success in dating and developing a relationship, which led me to build my signature Find Your Success Match program. In Success Match’s science-backed date coaching and mentoring program we take?the holistic approach?to building relationships.

However, I still did not speak to my clients about s-e-x.

The Day I Understood That You Have To Talk About Intimacy

About five years ago I was checking in with a former coaching client who had found a partner when working with me and was in a happy relationship. I asked her how things were going for her and her partner. She responded that everything was going well and that they were very happy together.

Then, for some reason, I asked her how things were in the bedroom. She completely froze, turned red and explained that the bedroom was the only area that was not going so well.

Both partners had come out of long-term relationships and were used to how things were done in the bedroom with their former partners. Her new partner was asking her to do things that she was not comfortable with and did not enjoy. Since everything else about the relationship was so great, she did them anyway.

Even if the rest of the relationship is going quite well, having such a big part of your relationship be out of sync just isn’t sustainable.

This is the moment that it clicked for me. If I were to have a truly holistic approach, then I have to include physical intimacy in the equation. If I wanted to empower someone to build a relationship in which you’re able to clearly communicate your wants and needs, then this can’t stop at the bedroom door--it must apply to all areas of the relationship.

It's important to be clear about who you are, what your wants and needs in a relationship are. Then you must communicate those with clarity and grace and that shouldn't stop at the bedroom door.

I understand more than anyone that talking about intimacy may not come naturally but it is a big part of most relationships, so being able to talk about it is crucial.

My Dating Coaching Includes Sessions With A Sexologist

Building the intimate part of your relationship is just as important as other areas and requires the same fundamental communication. Getting information directly from experts is crucial and since intimacy is such an important topic, I brought on my colleague?Anka, a sexologist, to lead workshops in my group coaching and mentoring program, Find Your Success Match. She helps my clients develop and build a beautiful intimate relationship with their partners from the beginning and as their relationship grows.

My clients love this aspect of the training because for many it is the first time that they are able to freely discuss intimacy in a safe setting. Many clients who are looking for love after being married for years feel overwhelmed when thinking about becoming intimate with someone new. People who haven’t been in a relationship in years have lots of fears as well, like:

• “Where do I even start?”
• “I’m obviously not 23 anymore and no one new has seen me naked since ages….”
• “What if I never feel comfortable getting undressed in front of this person?”

Many women have questions like:

• “What do I do if the person I am dating is pushing for s*x and I don’t feel ready?”
• “How do I bring up the topic of safe s*x and sexually transmitted infections?”
• “How do I make sure that I’m on the same page as my partner?”
• “What do I do if I am dating someone who has erectile dysfunction?”

There are so many questions and fears around intimacy that are completely natural. Having a safe space to talk about it is key to growing in this area.

Getting Over the Shame Around Sexuality

A personal struggle of mine that I dealt with that I never felt comfortable discussing with others was when I was going through breast cancer treatment. The chemo and hormones were causing everything to dry out, including my mouth, my skin and yes, also vaginal dryness. This caused a lot of discomfort and some embarrassment for me, which I never spoke about.

I don’t know what I would have done if my gynecologist hadn’t asked me how the cancer treatment was affecting intimacy with my husband. I explained that in fact it was a bit less comfortable than before, and even kind of painful.

‘‘We have solutions for that!’’ she explained.

She went on to explain that for less than ten Swiss Francs I could buy a non-hormonal water-based lubricant that would completely solve the problem. I had no idea that an easy solution to my problem existed and was easily accessible to me.

Sometimes just by sharing something personal, you’ll learn that others have similar experiences and see solutions you didn’t know existed. In my dating coaching programs, we’ve tackled all kinds of topics from condoms, s*x toys and s*xually transmitted diseases, to erectile dysfunction.

While some people think that by talking about it, we take away the mystery or spontaneity of s*x, research proves that it is the contrary. The more we talk about it the more exciting s*x can be, and the more connected we can feel to our partners.

Since intimacy can be such a taboo topic, this also leads to a lot of misconceptions from both women and men. I’ve heard women tell other women that if a man doesn’t try to sleep with you before the third date, then he isn’t attracted to you, which is not always true.

I had a client who, while talking about intimacy to the gentleman she is now in a relationship with, explained that her last partner was 12 years ago. He responded by saying that at least she had her s*x toys. He went on to explain that he thought that all women owned such toys!

Choose A Holistic Approach to Finding Love

It is great to explore these sorts of misconceptions that others have and discover the ones that we carry with us as well and explore where they come from. Intimacy is just another part of a healthy relationship including the one you have with yourself.

Building a relationship from the foundation up is all about learning to communicate your needs and understand the needs of your partner on all levels. Do you know how to openly talk about s*x? Can you communicate your wants and needs clearly and gracefully?

This is all part of the holistic approach we teach at SuccessMatch. If you are ready to start your holistic transformation to be able to finally meet the love of your life, schedule a complimentary call,?I look forward to hearing from you.