LET'S TALK ABOUT SUICIDE

#suicidepreventionmonth

I was recently invited as a Guest Speaker at #Portsmouth first Suicide awareness event- ' LET'S TALK BAOUT SUICIDE ' with the Aldingbourne Trust . Since speaking on Saturday I have been contacted with such lovely messages from people who clearly resonated and found my speech hopeful. I have been asked if I would share my speech again, so here it is...

My suicide story.

Growing up I was always seen as different- the taller one, the creative one, the wider one, the ginger one, the one who had 2 successful parents, who lived in a big house, who went on long haul holidays, who sung for the queen (but we keep that quiet) … so it seems very strange to many when I share about how this life of privilege was the reason I attempted to take my own life.

For many years I was consumed by the want to fit in; I kept searching for the right place, the right group of people, the right love- yet no matter how hard I tried, I never found it.

Being consumed by this, led me to not know myself. I was lost. Feeling like I didn’t belong made me become someone I was not. I was someone I didn’t know. Someone I did not like. I put on a mask, smiled at the right time & became totally isolated.

At my lowest, my depression was a manipulative liar. One of the things it regularly told me was that I didn’t deserve to be here. It made me feel like a failure. I felt so undeserving of love, success, career, support, friendship, or the care from others. I felt like a burden.

The same thoughts had been on loop for months with no sign of reducing. You can imagine the impact that had - I couldn’t function, I couldn’t get out of my own head, I couldn’t work, I could barely hold a conversation. I was lost (physically and mentally), I hated myself, I hated my surroundings, I hated others, I hated the mental torture my mind had created, and I really hated life.

I couldn’t see a way ‘through’ the fog, or a way out. I vaguely remember that critical moment when I had lost the fight with my thoughts and the only way I could stop its power over me was to end everything.?

During those months I didn’t talk about my feelings to anyone because I didn’t want to worry people. I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I didn’t want to show that I was weak or pass on my depression on to others like an infectious disease. I didn’t want to give others anything else to worry about in their busy lives. So that day came when I wrote several letters to my loved ones, expressing my thanks for life so far but also sharing how sorry I was, I left them with a friend and walked to the woods.

Now I know I was lucky, and that many are not. Mental health support was invaluable at my darkest time and if it wasn’t for that, I really would not be here today.?I knowing that experiencing suicidal thoughts isn’t a personal failure, it’s just a symptom of an illness.

Events like these help to reduce the stigma found in society around Mental Health, because suicide is only a taboo subject because we don’t talk about enough. To break the narrative and that stigma full of fear, we need to talk more. ?We need to be honest in those moments of vulnerability. We need to share like I am, to encourage more people to realise that 'silence is a killer and talking saves lives'

Through much self-development work, I know I am worthy of being here… and so are you. You DO matter. Those moments of mental struggle which are scary, unpredictable and at times, life changing, are problems that won’t last forever, if we talk about them. ?There is ALWAYS someone who is willing to listen; a friend, family member, or professional or someone on a helpline, someone at work, some along the sea front. You are never as alone. By talking the illogical thoughts and feelings can be diluted, and a perspective found. It takes really hard work to break the cycle but?I personally promise you, that things do get better…

The support I received empowered me to make sure the rest of my chapters were worth writing. I learnt to be patient, gentle, and grateful; not to lighting fires when I couldn’t see the stars. I learnt to accept myself unconditionally and be proud of my challenges. I learnt to be vulnerable; taking the time to really understand who I was and love myself again. I learnt that I was not responsible for someone else’s lack of awareness or that fact people in my life had silenced me to the point of crisis.? But most importantly, I became courageous.

I decided to move forward in a career as a professional and coach purely based on this experience. I founded Beautiful Minds with the aim to support our community to thrive. Sitting on a wealth of professional knowledge and skills that I have been fortunate to gain through my career, I new I could make a difference. My personal story is my biggest driver. I want others to be able to rebuild the awareness and acknowledge the past, enabling others to move forward positively; improving mindsets, building confidence, and setting boundaries- Years of self-development work, challenged my mind to reconnect with my identity, understand the why's & accepting those dark moments, as exactly that- moments. I now move forward with resilience and strength.

"You can’t do the same things you have always done and expect life to change"

The right support can help turn an anguished and exhausted mind into the amazing problem-solving machine, that grows & strengthens with confidence day by day. If you solve one problem, then you can solve another and if you solve enough problems, then life can look very different.

Not as desperate & a lot more hopeful; Seeing many more blue skies than grey!

If you are interested in hearing more about my story or would like some information on Coaching or workshops, please get in touch - CLICK HERE

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