Let's Talk About Sex...with Your Kids

NEWS FLASH!

The hard truth is; parenting does not come with any manuals.

Whether we are talking about sex, how to make macaroni and cheese or what extra-curricular activities to choose in middle school, parents are often ‘winging it’ when it comes to talking to their kids.

First off, there’s the ever-present generational gap between parents and children. This invariably translates to a language gap and can potentially cause some strain when both generations attempt to communicate.

That said, the topic of sexuality and sex talk in general is often treated as a taboo and “hushed” off by many-a-parent, should their wards enquire.

But as first teachers and guides of our children, parents must do their best to ensure they are sharing accurate information properly, otherwise, children will seek the knowledge, find it elsewhere, and it would likely be a tainted version.

As for the age to begin such conversations, like most other discussions with children, it depends on the child. I would advise parents to begin as early as possible to normalize talking about “difficult” and even “controversial” topics like sex, with their children, based on the child’s understanding and NOT based on parental needs assessment.

The “being a step ahead” attitude is the best approach to these things. ??

As a pediatrician, I always encourage parents to use proper terminology for names of body parts and words like sex. No need to hide behind made-up words or phrases. Avoid introducing shame or guilt or any of the default negativity that topics like these often arouse.

Treat these conversations as educational sessions, and preferably, a part of a larger body of educational experiences you and your child share.

If a parent had a traumatic experience with sex or sexual activity, I’d suggest that person gets PROPERLY healed before embarking on a discussion about that experience with anyone, besides a therapist.

Alternatively, parents might avoid centering themselves on the story and telling it in the third person, which often makes sharing easier. The message here is that parents should not avoid sharing devastating or traumatic aspects of their past in an attempt to protect or shield their children. Rather, get the needed help for your healing and then practice the: WW (what worked), WDW (what didn’t work), and WDD (what you’d do differently) model to create a teaching moment from any experience.

1. For younger ages (preschool and early grade school), story books, textbooks, and even cartoons are a great way to introduce the human anatomy and the topic of sex (the act), sexuality (human attractions), and pleasure/reproduction (the commonly assumed reasons/outcomes).
2. When the child becomes a preteen or a teenager, parents can begin to share personal stories or stories of people known to them, with their children. For instance, a parent can begin by asking their 10-year-old if they know what the word sex means. Or share a story about when they were 11 and had their first crush.
3. The term “risky sexual behavior” means something different to everyone. Parents must avoid painting themselves either as “saints” or as “devils” when sharing personal sex stories. Simply state the facts as they remember, in one emotion if your child will respond to them, and remember the reason for sharing is education and bonding.
4. I understand that some parents are weary about sharing controversial topics from their pasts, to move forward, parents must realize that hiding their truth will not protect their child from encountering a similar experience themselves. However, sharing their experiences with the intent to ward/address a future occurrence is a start. Admitting their humanity to their kids by being fully vulnerable and transparent will work more wonders for the parent-child relationship, than not. But first, healing. The parent who had been traumatized must heal. Alternatively, they can also find someone else, another trusted adult to help facilitate the discussion or do their bidding instead. Allow children to ask questions at will, and respond with a healthy dose of (self) compassion.
5. Nothing should be left untouched or on the table in these conversations. Children all learn differently, and the information you are sharing will land differently and be absorbed to varying degrees by your children. That’s why we must be ready before we begin to share. That said, I will reiterate that self-blaming aka victim-shaming, extreme negativity, guilt, or shame around sex and sexual activities should be avoided. Every attempt should be made to encourage children to explore their bodies (every part) and even experiment with toys (for older teens who have become sexually active).
6. When it comes to the LGBTQ+ community and conversations about sex/sexuality/sexual trauma, etc. SAFETY always comes front and center. As gender and sexual minorities, these children are often targets of sexual deviants, despite what the extreme right-wingers would like you to know. The content of your conversations will essentially remain the same. However, you should seek counsel, preferably, from someone who themselves, is in healthy queer relationships and able to give said counsel.
7. The crucial thing here again, is to avoid negativity, shame, blame, or guilting when sharing information with your child. Honesty about your shortcomings and gaps in knowledge is the best approach if you are not a member of the community. Your children are likely already getting their information from social media and their peers, so, finding subtle ways to enquire about what they know is great! For instance, asking your middle schooler if they have any friends who are members of the Q+ community will help you know if they are themselves, queer (birds of a feather), and will act as a segway into the conversation. Or asking your older teen who (what gender) they are attracted to, versus questions like “Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?” which automatically assumes a gender binary relationship.

In conclusion, sex, sexuality, and sexual acts and conversations around them, in and of themselves are not the problem, society’s attitudes and the actions of a few who take advantage of others, are the problem.

To that end and by all means, teach your children, no matter their ages, sexes, gender identities, or sexual orientations that healthy, fun enjoyable, pleasurable sex is just what this doctor-mom and gender/sexuality life coach ordered!

Always remember that you are not only the most important but also the most influential person in your child’s life, so, what you think, what you know, what you say, and the things you do, matter! ??

Cheers!

Dr. Lulu ?????

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