Let's Talk... and Please No Texting and Driving!

What relationship does Bell's #letstalk campaign have with texting and driving? In my case the last few months, an unfortunate amount.

I was coming off the plane and the high of being nominated for Advocate of the Year at the Women in IT Awards in Toronto. The night before I had gone to a beautiful gala with coworkers who were supporting me in my nomination. While I didn't win, I was feeling particularly inspired by all of the wonderful progress I was seeing for women in tech and humbled by the support from my team.

I paused as I waited for a cab at YYC. A slight shiver and a very distinct thought of "I'm going to get in an accident" ran through my mind. I was slightly put off by the thought but not enough to avoid getting in the cab. Thankfully I listened to this whisper from the universe and put my seat belt on.

A slight shiver and a very distinct thought of "I'm going to get in an accident"

I gazed out the window as we glided along Deerfoot thinking how excited I was to get home and see my husband before charging into 5 hours straight of meetings. Nothing unusual about this ride or my afternoon.

We slowed down to about 50 km/hr. A large truck had backed up traffic. As I peered over the backseat to see what was going on, we were hit with extreme force by a minivan. She had hit us going so fast, that after she veered off to the side of the road, we had to drive closer to her to see her license plate. At the time it didn't compute for me that meant I had just been in a high speed crash.

The hit was on the back right of the cab and directly where I was sitting. While the cab driver and the woman exchanged phone numbers and information I sat in the cab in shock. She came over to ask if I was alright and I numbly replied "I think so". But I wasn't sure at all. She explained to me that she had looked at her phone for just a second because her boss was texting her to see where she was.

I thought that I'd be a bit sore and that was that. Boy was I wrong.

I've now been off work since November 22nd trying to get my life back. This simple, careless act of someone texting and driving has literally changed my life. And not for the better.

You're probably wondering when I am going to get around to how this has anything to do with "Let's Talk". Deep breath... here is goes.

My boss says I am the most outgoing person in our group. Which is probably a true statement. I've been confined to my home to work since that day except for physio appointments and struggling to live my life outside the house whether that be going to a family dinner or taking the winter holiday I'd planned 6 months ago.

This event has changed everything. I am in pain every day. I have to take a lot of drugs and medications to get by. I have to lie down most of the time. I can't sit down for much more than sometimes as little as 10 minutes. If I'm lucky 30 or more. I can't go see my clients. I am trying to manage a national practice while working from home. I feel I am failing my two new hires by not being in the office for them to learn from. I feel I am letting down our executive team who has put so much trust in me with our blockchain assurance practice. I don't know how I will manage some global projects I am working on - when there is nothing I have wanted more in my career. It is excruciating for me to sit at home without in person interaction. I cannot work out and I normally work out every day at lunch. My life could not be more different today than what a normal day looks like.

This woman's carelessness has taken my life away.

I want to be clear that I WANT TO WORK. You may wonder why I am not just relaxing at home and getting better. It's because I LOVE MY JOB. This simple act of selfishness has cost me my ability to deliver what I care so dearly about. It is incredibly hard for me to let my work go - because I love it.

I've tried to work myself back up to full time. I came into the office a couple times. Feel human. Interact with people. See my clients! Unfortunately, that has resulted in me having a major setback in my healing and I now have doctor's orders for 50% time only until May.

I had so much hope and anticipation of starting back fulltime in February. I think I just held on to that and didn't let myself think about what might happen if I didn't recover to do that.

I have to give Deloitte all of the credit in the world. And my bosses and coworkers. Everyone just wants me to get better. They want to give me what I need and are supporting what the doctor says. I could not be luckier to work at a better place. I am the one who wants to be in the office. I am the one who wants to work as much as I can because it makes me feel like my pre-accident self.

While I know some of my fears have no basis in reality, it doesn't stop me from worrying. This car accident has led to fears of one day losing my job. What if I can never make it back? What if I have to go on long term disability? What if everything I've worked so hard for in blockchain fizzles out and dies? It feels like I am anticipating a death and the loss of a dream. I am terrified of that and can't think of anything worse. There are so many things I cannot do because a woman was too selfish and inconsiderate to think of the danger she put me in.

Let's Talk has reminded me that there is more than my back that needs some care during this time. We have a generous plan for mental health and I've gotten enough nudges from the universe the past three days to know I need to do this. Crying to my boss that I "just want to be at the office" is a sure sign that I've reached my limit and need some help.

In closing, please don't feel sorry for me and don't give Deloitte any flack. They are awesome and supportive. Know that I am surrounded by the best coworkers and clients who have all wished me nothing but well and tried to accomodate me. It means so much. And I have the most wonderful husband in the world who has helped shoulder the load of the rest of our lives that I can't handle. Without him I truly don't know where I would be.

I do want each and every one of you to think about texting and driving. Not only is it illegal, you can ruin someone's life - or even take their life. Please don't do it.

So if you're feeling beat up, down, and like you just can't do this anymore, please reach out.

Mental health is serious and our minds are part of our bodies. They are not separate. Overall health includes your mental health.

Thank you for listening to my ramble. If I've convinced even one person to not text and drive, this article was worth it. If I've convinced even one person to seek a psychologist, this extreme baring of my soul was worth it.

I for one have made myself an appointment with my counselor. While I logically know that work is supporting me and this pain will eventually end... it's just too hard right now. I need help. And that is ok.

I wish you all so much happiness, love and light in 2020.

Janine